Really, I'm Okay: The Borderline and the Relationship

It has been over two weeks since my last session with my therapist (she was on vacation), and up until last evening, I was doing fabulous. It might seem odd that I am feeling a sense of withdrawal, but let me tell you, individual therapy is critical for Borderline. In the early stages of treatment, when a sense of abandonment is rather prominent, being without that checkpoint each week can really throw my sense of mental balance.

Somehow, despite being physically ill, and being tossed a plethora of emotional hurdles, I have been floating high. Part of it may have to do with being included in RAINN's Survivor Spotlight Series, which brought some exposure to my cause in being an advocate through my blogging and music. Another part may be because I have had a lot of musical projects to work on, keeping me happy and busy.

I was able to "radically accept" many difficult road blocks that were thrown in my path, but there came a few points where my vulnerabilities proved me wrong. I'd like to believe that being sick, combined with the exhausting life of a stay-at-home mother, is what led me to break down. I am lucky that my husband was able to soak in my tears non-judgementally, especially when my therapist wasn't readily available.

One of these moments was due to a sense of structure being broken down. I am the type of person that if I have plans, and I am rather excited about them, I tend to fall apart if something gets in the way of me fulfilling those plans. Granted, I have improved ten-fold with these situations since starting DBT, because I have learned a sense of flexibility I didn't have before. Yet, this particular afternoon, I was miserable from being sick, the weather was gray and wet, and I was in no mood to be disappointed.

It took all my energy not to take out my negative emotions on those who were involved with the situation and I ended up bawling over the phone to my husband. Knowing how I tend to be, instead of telling me, "You are overreacting," he validated how I was feeling, but helped me rationalize the situation, and gave me the positives. Miraculously, I started to feel better, assured my minor flub would be the only one.

Then last night hit.

You see, I have mentioned before my hatred for Summer, because of my misconnection with a lot of my friends. I have rationalized over and over to myself, "Summer means busy. Let it be. Don't worry. Eventually, you will be able to talk and see these people again!" It worked for a long time, until earlier in this week I was made aware that maybe, just maybe, I have pushed some people away, without even trying this time.

My relationships have always been rocky, and one of my biggest goals with DBT was to improve upon this, because I was sick of being the type of person that burned bridges by pushing people away.  Fear of abandonment has an interesting way of materializing with me. As soon as someone wouldn't be unresponsive, I immediately would ruminate on what I did wrong, but then get angry and just say something hurtful, so I didn't feel as hurt. This typically resulted in many friends washing their hands of me, and frankly I don't blame them.

For a while now, I have been working on this. Giving people space by not jumping to conclusions when they aren't readily available, and networking with more than a few people in order to not overly-attach to one particular person. Yet, I still think, despite my efforts, I have done something wrong. No matter what I do with some certain people, I am left out in the cold.

So last night, instead of "radically accepting" that these friendships may be over, I just lost it. I don't think I have cried that hard in a long time. Maybe it is because I poured so much trust into these newer relationships, in an effort to be vulnerable, and it has failed me. Or maybe it is because I have tried so hard to keep it together while my therapist was on vacation, that it just hurt even more when reality hit.

None of this post is to say, "Hey, I'm miserable and lonely." In fact, I am not lonely be any means. Really, I'm okay! What this post is about is recognizing that I may not be able to save every relationship in my life, regardless of the effort I put into it, and that is okay. I am at peace with it because I have so many new friends through my church that have welcomed me into their loving arms with absolutely no judgments. This is what I needed, and I am so blessed by God to have fallen into their embrace.