Everything's Great...Everything Sucks

My posts tend to end on a note of empowerment, which is typically due to my ability to overcome my crises, or at least tolerate them, before writing. However, as a BPD sufferer, I think it is crucial to give insight on the moments that drag me towards the bottom of the lake. These moments are riddled with that sense of "emptiness" that is all too familiar with Borderlines. Last night, I was overcome by that wave of darkness, that takes every ounce of energy to emerge scarless.

When a Borderline experiences positive and exciting things, it is almost like a drug or sugar high. We are categorically manic in these situations. If anyone has been around me when I am in these phases, I am pretty wild. I am confident, intoxicating, and have a sense of willingness that only Borderlines can relate to. These are the days I power through projects and whistle through chores that would normally induce endless grumbles.

Then all of a sudden, the tide comes in, and pulls us down with no chance to take a breath.

Have you ever seen a toddler post-birthday-party? When he/she consumes 40 lbs of refined sugar, becomes a blissful whirlwind of awesomeness, only to crash hard a few hours later?

Basically, I'm a 26-year-old child.

It makes sense realistically, because people who suffer from BPD, at least most of them, didn't learn the basic regulation skills that one learns through experiencing a normal childhood. Interestingly enough, we are also wise beyond our years. A good chunk of those who struggle alongside me, experienced the same background where we were forced to age so quickly. Wisdom and empathy is developed early on, while everything else is left on the back burner.

Because of this, there is no middle ground. There is no grey; only black and white. There is really no "okay;" everything's great, or everything sucks. The natural ability to rationalize, to see the glass half full,  in a moment of feeling "empty," is not present without exercising numerous skills. 

So last night, I felt this drag, and tried so hard to explain to my husband what I was feeling. The only thing I could do was cry because I wished incredibly hard to not feel as if my life was going nowhere, even when I knew so many opportunities lie ahead. I struggle with the short term, because no matter how great the horizon looks, if I can't see what is around the corner, I fall apart. 

The key is to really focus on the small things in these times of distress. My therapist refers to them as pebbles of positivity. Even if the effects of large and exciting moments aren't present for long, there are pebbles within them that prove their existence. I am currently working on putting this skill to practice, because it is new to me. I am here to tell you, I am struggling.

Even while I am observing today's pebbles, I am on the verge of breaking down for no good reason at all.