Triggers and the Flashbacks That Follow Them ( Trigger Warning, Some offensive language used)

Yesterday, when I was driving with my husband on the way home from a birthday dinner for my son, the elated mood that I was in (due to my son turning one and the beautiful weather), quickly shifted once I saw the way the sun glared against the city-line. I was transformed into another world where darkness and fear lingered. My body was continuing to do its job by turning the wheel, applying appropriate pressure to the gas and brakes when needed, and checking mirrors. However, my psyche was experiencing the past in present. Luckily, my husband snapped me out of it once he noticed my eyes glazing over.

These flashbacks have been a common occurrence for the past four months. A lot of the times, they are minor and I can continue to function without thinking twice about what I saw in my mind. Other times, they are quite severe.

There was an afternoon where I was having a delightful day spending some much needed time with my husband, when out of nowhere, there was a trigger, and I was thrown into an extreme dissociative episode. My eyes rolled back into my head, I began to convulse, and couldn't breathe. I was aware that something was happening to my body, but I couldn't control it; I was morphed into a little girl again, frightened and frail. My husband had to explain what happened to me because I didn't even realize what was going on. It was as if I had lost track of time.

Another evening, my husband came home from work to find me in the bathtub, banging my head against the wall, and saying,"Tell me that you love it when it I fuck you,"over and over again. When he forced me out of it, I was unclear of what I was doing.

These moments are frightening, but the unfortunate thing is that they are normal for anyone struggling with PTSD. I have not been dealing with these flashbacks ever since my abuse, only since my mental wall was broken down four months ago.

When I experienced this trauma as a child, my brain protected me by repressing a lot of memories. I didn't want to think about such things because they were embarrassing and I felt at fault for nearly all of my abuse.

As I grew up, I continued to repress memories by resorting to different self-harming behaviors. I struggled with eating disorders, self-mutilation, alcohol abuse, and reckless sexual behavior. For a long time, although not the right ways to solve my problems, these worked to keep my past hidden.

December 13, 2013, when I was perusing Facebook, my world turned upside down. Somehow, his profile appeared on my "People You May Know" feed. Once I saw his face, that mental block dissipated and my heart jumped into my throat. I could feel the hot, uncontrollable tears stream down my face and the panic settled in my chest.

Memories rushed to the forefront as my pulse quickened and a ball of bile rose inside of me. I could feel my mouth begin to salivate so I booked it to the bathroom, dropped to my knees, and purged my entire day's worth of consumption into a freshly cleaned toilet. I wretched until all I had left was air and continued to dry heave until my abs ached.

Ever since that day, the triggers that induce these attacks are increasing in quantity. Anything that reminds me of my childhood can send me back to that alternate reality.

A little over a month ago I started working with a book called "Resurrection After Rape," which takes a victim through a healing process which is focused on journaling about the experience in utter detail. This includes any triggers that may set a victim into a downward spiral. As I read my journal entry about my triggers, I see how vulnerable I quickly became:

"It used to be that it would only come to mind around the fall time. Or, early spring. The smell of burning leaves or winter thawing would always get to me. Okay, it comes to me a lot more than I thought...The smell of movie theater popcorn (frequent trips to the theater as a child tie into certain memories). If "Smells Like Teen Spirit" comes on the radio, I immediately change the station. With all of these triggers I usually am overwhelmed with shame and fear. I feel dirty and confused. Anything that reminds me of that time in my life, like Super Nintendo games and old school cartoons that I used to watch Saturday mornings. The sounds of a baseball game playing on TV on a Friday night. Mozart Symphony No. 40 in G Minor. Camping. Watching boxing on TV. Super Mario Bros. The Nutcracker Suite. Honestly, anything that reminds me of my childhood reminds me of all the times I was violated. Now I can't go a day without it haunting me."

These memories are somewhat fragmented and I have been piecing them together as far as when they happened in relation to each other, but it is hard to create a timeline. How I will address these events in future posts will be as I experience them. I may pull from my journal entries, so they will be extremely raw. I will also be relating my experiences of adulthood, coping, and how they relate to these memories. There are a few things I would like my audience to keep in mind:

• I will not be revealing names.
• I will be vague as far as people in my life at the time as I wish not to focus on anything else other than individual traumas and how they affected me.
• I will be using offensive language. It would be unrealistic and sugar coating if I wasn't honest. This may include profanity, details about body parts and actions, and violent quotes. 

I realize that some of this is repetitive, but I have to be clear in my intentions and I also am protecting myself.

On a side note, when I speak of rape, I might be focusing on women, but I am by no means invalidating the rape that occurs against men. It is a real and an even more taboo topic than rape against women because of the stigma surrounding it. 

For the men reading this that may have experienced any sexual abuse in their life, know that in my use of female pronouns relating to rape victims, I am simply relating it to my personal experience. 

I hope that what I have said in the first three days of thirty, and the next twenty-seven days, will touch the hearts of those violated both female AND male.