Hierarchy of Needs, Why Mine was Compromised. (TRIGGER WARNING. Sensitive Material)

As I sit at my island, anticipating the welcoming of family and friends for my son's first birthday party, I am reminded about my first parties as a child. They were intricately planned out and exciting. Early in elementary school, I had developed plenty of healthy relationships with other children my age, so it was easy to find other kids to come to my parties. After HE entered my life, my relationships suddenly became warped and my sense of love and security disappeared. Because of him my building blocks of a healthy psyche were jumbled and crushed.

I always mention Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs when I am forced to explain why I percept relationships differently from a person without an untainted youth.

As you can see the easiest building blocks to fill are at the bottom. As one moves through life, he/she strives to reach the top of this pyramid. If essential categories are not fulfilled such as Physiological and Safety, it makes it more challenging for a person to fill the top three categories.

My Safety/Security was damaged. The utopian world many children live in was penetrated with darkness and because of that, I still have a hard time feeling loved between friends and family. I also have a hard time being intimate with my own husband, even after over 8 years of being together. My idea of sex was "Just take what you want and leave. I know you don't care about me." 

My esteem is horrific. I may preach about running and being happy with self-image, but I am extremely hard on myself. My husband continuously reaffirms that I'm "beautiful and strong," but I usually just turn red and laugh saying "Psh, you're just saying that 'cause you have to."

The top level, Self-Actualization, is something that I may never reach fully just because I am still working on lower levels.

So why am I dwelling on this "security" issue? 

I started to think, What to a child symbolizes security?

For my son, it is his blankie and monkey toy. Without them, he WILL NOT fall asleep. For many children it is a specific blanket that holds a sense of comfort and when that is destroyed the tears well up within seconds.

One of the memories that continue to play in my mind involve a blanket. Many of them involve a blanket; it was his way of hiding the truth. A device that usually provided security and warmth quickly transposed to a barrier injected with nightmares. From my journal: (Some parts are left blank or subsituted to protect people)

"When did he get so cocky? It is a Saturday night and we are at _________ watching a boxing match with Oscar De LaHoya. I want to say it was sometime in the winter because it was extremely cold...He asked for a blanket because he was cold. He tried to look like the good guy when he covered me up too. He only used the blanket to hide that he was grabbing me between my thighs. "Now don't make a scene," he would whisper before ever so easily slipping his fingers under the elastic band of my pants and underwear and into my vagina. It stung...."

It is interesting because I have received many critical comments about how I let my son obsess over his monkey. 

"You know he is going to eventually have to let that thing go right?"

Well, yea, sure, I'm not going to let my son carry around a disgusting monkey till he's in college; however, he is ONE. Also, considering I had such a stigma with blankets and loss my sense of security, I don't dare destroy his before he is ready.

As an ending note for today, I'd like to once again thank those who have messaged me with words of support. I feel touched that I have been able to provide a voice for others who may have gone through something similar, but never had the chance to come forward.

In future posts I am going to welcome questions and address them anonymously for the blog, so feel free to start private messaging me through Facebook. Also once again, this is a public blog, so if you feel this could help anyone, feel free to share!