Radically Accepting Who I Am and Loving It

I have come to a turning point in my life, one that tests my ability to handle complex emotions and situations. Half-a-year ago, had I been faced with the same whirlwind of what I am dealing with right now, I probably would be in a constant state of disassociation. It is interesting that through therapy, that I am hitting more difficult roadblocks, but I now have the tools to handle them.

DBT has enabled me to not only regulate my emotions through a slew of distress tolerance skills, but also to radically accept my WHOLE being. Tara Brach, a psychologist who specializes in meditation, says it perfectly:

"There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life."

It is so very true, and I now fully understand this quote.

It isn't necessarily a walk in the park to radically accept life as it is. When I say radically accept, I don't mean you have to accept everything about your life with a smile on your face. In fact, if you aren't accepting the negativity freely, then you aren't really practicing it correctly anyway. I have learned to be okay with the "bad" emotions, but also not to dwell in them.

I have also learned that much of my negative emotions that I just couldn't handle stemmed from an underlying pressure to be someone I'm not. I realized in order to radically accept life, I had to not hide anymore. This past week has been extremely exhausting, but also very liberating for me. While I understand that it might just get harder, it will simultaneously get easier.

There are a few things that help me through this:

• Taking it one day at a time
• Knowing God loves me no matter what
• Having the right support people (which includes my husband who is the most supportive and open person despite myself)

I have gained quite a few new friends in the past few months, but in particular a couple in the past week that have really helped cement the acceptance of my persona. Some of these people I have known for a while, but didn't get the chance to talk to in depth until now. One of them specifically has been a huge support because she can empathize immensely with my complex emotions right now. Her positivity, reminders to take things slowly and not feel guilty for who I am, along with calling me out on the normalcy of everything I'm experiencing, has made this time a bit easier.

Sometimes you just need to reach out to the right people at the right time, and you will be surprised at the support you might get. Through my husband and these couple of friends, I know that everything will be okay and I thank God immensely for placing them in my life.

What's Holding You Back?

What's holding you back from embracing the real you?

If I were to tell you that it took me almost 20 years to accept who I really am, it might not surprise you. Plenty of people go through life not really knowing what they desire, and it makes sense. We are born into a world of uncertainty, pressured into making precise and hasty decisions about who we are to become.

At an early age, societal norms and values are ingrained within our being based on different cultural lenses we wear. You can deny it all you want, but there are just things stamped into our brains because of what we grew up around. So much of our cultural makeup affects how we look at the world, and sometimes that can define and takeover who we should be.

Some of these characteristics about ourselves that may tint our view may be our gender, race, ethnicity, neighborhood, religion, health status, financial status, sexual identity, and much more. I am a first generation Cuban-American who grew up in a very white neighborhood, with all the white privilege attached to it. My parents are members of a Baptist church, so that is where I went for a majority of my adolescence. We were financially stable. The typical American family from the looks of it.

Yet, there are things that happened to me, that we know of, that started to morph some of these building blocks. Amongst other characteristics, other titles such as Sexual Abuse/Rape Survivor and sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder were added to that list. Even if I didn't recognize those things about me years ago, they still existed and ultimately impacted other areas of my personality.

For a long time my religion was compromised.

Because of a plethora of invalidation I received from those I trusted within the church, I gave up on that part of my life. Along with this judgement that seemed prevalent against people that I just don't judge. I always believed we were put on this earth by God to witness to the amount of love Christ had for us when he died on the cross. I believe we all sin every day and no sin is greater than the last.

I do not believe in judging others who are perceived to be living in sin, because that does us no good. How does that show unconditional love?

I was conditioned to hate myself from these many lenses I wore because I knew there were things that perhaps Christians may judge me for. Things about me that will never change. I'm not talking about my mental status or what not. I'm not talking about the self-harm addiction or any other thing I have even spoken on this blog.

For the first time since I have realized something crucial about who I am, I have decided to embrace it. Despite what those around me believe, I truly trust God made me this way.

You are probably wondering, "What the heck is she talking about?"

Yeah, I know. I have been super open about my trauma, my self-harm, alcohol abuse, and Borderline Personality Disorder, but what is holding me back from being open about all things?

Fear.

It is that simple.

There are literally only a handful of people that if I were to be completely open, that would probably harm me more than help, which is okay. But that small handful, is what's holding me back, at least for now.

So for now I say these words: I am different, I am special, I love everyone. I am not ashamed and thus far the people around me have accepted me as I am, and for that I am grateful. When the time is right, if ever, I may get past that fear, but this is still an early process of revealing for me, and I'm not ready to do that quite yet.

One Last Regret: Struggling With Addiction

Tonight, like many other nights, I was tested. Tested on whether or not I would give in to my addiction to self-harm. This is not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. There are many things that lead to my increased vulnerability, one of them is loneliness.

If I am without social interaction, especially if my husband is working late, the negative emotions that I soaked up start to fester and multiply into thoughts of quick and reckless solutions. Like so many others, stricken with addictions to unhealthy coping mechanisms, I have to fight my way out of the web of darkness.

Granted, I am now capable of picking up my phone and calling my therapist when I know I am at that point of weakness. It is scary to think at one point I was unaware that I even had a razor in my hand until the deed was done and I was bleeding away my turmoil. Now, I can hear that voice in my head that tells me to drown my fears in my addiction.

I refuse to give in, even if I have to admit that I am fighting hard against that urge. Without that admission, I will never rewire my brain completely. So when I called my therapist tonight, as ashamed as I was that I even had to, I knew it was the right thing to do because accountability is the most important factor when overcoming any type of addiction.

Another ingredient to overcoming addiction is finding an outlet that is healthy, and as many of you know I pour myself into my music (along with my blogging of course). Through this journey I have written a couple of pieces directly relating to my life. One of them being Will She Sing, a song about my sexual abuse/rape. Another was You're the Only Way, describing my battle with Borderine Personality Disorder and suicide.

My newest piece, which at the moment goes unnamed, deals with my struggles with addiction. It applies to more than just self-harm too. I promise as soon as I get it recorded, I will share it, but this particular piece I need to put a lot of work into because it is important to me. However, I feel sharing the lyrics would help many people empathize with the internal struggle that happens between addiction and salvation. This can also be applied to Christianity with the constant battle between sin and God.

This particular piece I wrote from the perspective of the addiction itself, in order to provide a more powerful viewpoint. I can't wait until it is recorded, mostly because it has been one of my most unique pieces not only in musical styling but lyricism. I hope that those who fight alongside me find peace knowing that I do know EXACTLY how you are feeling. You are not alone.

One last regret

Take my hand don't fret

It's you and me against the world tonight

If you let go, you're sure to lose this fight

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

I'll be your voice

When you make that choice

Just take a breath and leap into my arms

I'll protect you from feeling any harm

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

Darkness seeping

Tensions breeding

I can see your strength is fleeing

Silent weeping

Wasted pleading

I can offer you this healing

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

I Am Done Being the Victim

When I walked into my therapist's office for the first time 8 months ago, I had one goal set in mind:

GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD

I did my best to shove 18 years of history into one hour in order to provide a backdrop of my struggles, but while she searched for my ultimate desire in therapy, those words that were floating in my mind, my true desire for therapy, catapulted out of my mouth.

"I just...need...you to help me get him out of my head..."

At first, I felt embarrassed and crazy, but then I looked up at my therapist and realized I hadn't said anything she was shocked by. She just nodded and formed a game plan. In that moment, I finally felt validated by what I was experiencing and knew I was in good hands.

Yet, I was stuck in my old ways, trying to hurry the process of healing because I was too ashamed to appear vulnerable to others. I refused to let my past come to the surface, but my coping mechanisms enabled my therapist to refuse trauma therapy. Her mentality, which makes complete sense now, is that if she were to put me through trauma therapy while I was still hurting myself and contemplating suicide, it would do me no good.

"Okay, so now what?" I'd ask constantly.

With that, DBT commenced while simultaneously being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although I was relieved that there was actually a name to explain what was going on with me and a proven therapy to help it, I was still unsure about when I would ever "feel better." I learned that instant gratification is a common trait among Borderlines and this goal of freeing my mind was not going to happen quickly.

So for a few months now, I have been working my ass off. Those of you who are close to me have probably realized I have made quite a few life changes. Besides not harming myself for three months (kind of a big deal) and taking control of my drinking, I have return to my musical roots by becoming an integral part of my worship team at church, writing new music and covers, been accepted as a victim advocate for our local YWCA, and expanded my awareness through multiple social media outlets. On top of that, I have formed new and solid friendships, which has given me a substantial support system.

I now feel like I am becoming who I was meant to be, and that is why I am ready to take on my past head on.

I realize that my blogging through April may seem like the ultimate form of exposure therapy, but writing is completely different than vocalizing. I can't even imagine speaking those words out loud, but when I start Prolonged Exposure Therapy in two weeks, that is exactly what I will be doing. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.

Some of you may wonder why in the world I would decide to do trauma therapy especially when things seem to be going well, but I assure you it is absolutely necessary. The trend with those who struggle with disorders like mine, is that there is a period of balance, and it appears that everything is fine. In fact, this isn't the first time I have been "okay;" however, in the past I was claimed by previous therapists to be healed and because I was misdiagnosed, I fell back into the trap.

There are friends of mine that struggle with the concept of revisiting the past, when the past is done, but it doesn't matter if its over because the wounds, while invisible, have not fully been irrigated. I must desensitize myself to my trauma, because if I don't, I will continuously be shaken by flashbacks and nightmares. I can't let that happen anymore. I am done being the victim.

So I am going to embark on this rather difficult journey, and all I ask is for the continued support of family, friends, and readers, because I may need some hands to hold. I love you all!