After Silence...

When I awoke this morning, the first day of April, the last thing on my mind was how I was going to pull an elaborate prank on somebody. I rose out of bed with butterflies in my stomach and fire in my heart because today marks the first day of thirty dedicated to Sexual Assault Awareness.

A couple of months ago, I took a step towards bravery by getting the most meaningful tattoo I will ever have.

 I have had quite a few people ask me why I decided to represent the ribbon in tattered form. No one had ever seen an awareness ribbon appear ragged. They are usually displayed in whole form, representing strength in survival.

Before, I couldn't really give a straightforward answer, but today, marking my first in thirty of revealing a little bit more behind my tough exterior, I have an answer.

Nancy Venable Raine wrote a book called "After Silence," a memoir of her rape experience and her journey through recovery. It is different then other memoirs because she implements research about rape and relates it from a survivor's standpoint. It is a very powerful read and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to understand what goes through a rape victim's mind as she transforms into a survivor. Another great read is Liz Seccuro's "Crash Into Me" which is unique in taking the reader through the actual court proceedings and provides fellow survivors with a sense of justice. Not to mention she got justice 22 long years after her experience.

Between these two books, I was given a push into the direction of writing my own memoir. I knew I wanted to, but have found it difficult to put pen to paper. I couldn't even be honest with my husband about my past let alone provide the world with insight. Then I started reading "After Silence" and within the first 20 pages, just in the intro, I was brought to tears by this quote:

"If I can expand the possibility for other survivors to speak, if they so choose, in an environment of informed tolerance and, ultimately, of acceptance, I will feel blessed by the darkness I have known. The victims of rape must carry their memories with them for the rest of their lives. They must not also carry the burden of silence and shame.” 

So it was after I finished this book that the tattoo idea came to fruition, and the words "after silence" became a strong representation of my new journey. I will not be burdened by shame anymore.

So now...why the tattered ribbon?

Because almost 20 years ago, I was raped. I wish I could say it was a one time occurrence, but it was a series of events over many months. Every time it happened, another part of me was stolen. I am a survivor, but underneath, there is still a victim. There always will be a victim, because like Nancy Venable Raine stated I must carry that memory with me for the rest of my life.

During this month, I will be sharing my story in pieces. As a forewarning, it may get uncomfortable, but part of awareness is making known the horror that we survivors see, so it opens the eyes to those who might otherwise never understand.

I hope that I can enlighten people on the subject and also empower women who like me, have carried their silence and shame for far too long. 

(Special thanks to Liz Seccuro, for being a super huge inspiration to me the past couple of months)