The Fear of Reality (Trigger Warning, Sensitive Material)

If you asked me almost 4 years ago when I got married about my plans for motherhood, I would have laughed in your face. It wasn’t just because every baby that got put in my arms cried immediately, or because my biological clock wasn’t ringing, it was because I was terrified of my future child experiencing the same pain I did.

Despite my fears, the inevitable venture into motherhood came upon me and I couldn't avoid bringing an innocent soul into this world.

A handful of people have requested information on how to key in on signs of abuse from a survivor and mother's viewpoint. I have struggled to come up with an answer because I would like to be educational yet realistic. I can only share my experience and how that affected my views on motherhood.

As mentioned in earlier posts, I began working through a book called Resurrection After Rape. Early on in the book, there are a series of topics one is asked to focus on through journaling in order to prepare for the intensity of exposure through writing.

One of the first topics was, "Description of things I once believed about life, fairness, goodness, men and women, and so forth. Description of the way my rape has changed those beliefs." My response started with a gentle pondering of my childhood, but as I kept writing, the pain of betrayal becomes evident:

 "I was so young that I don't even remember what I believed. I'd like to think I believed in real love. I believed that men were gentle princes that wooed their potential wives into loving them. Of course, I was forced into reality long before I learned the truth behind love. I believed life was beautiful and fun. I believed in long lasting friendships. I believed in doing the right thing because if you didn't, then you were punished. All of that changed when he started to morph my beliefs. He made me believe that sex was normal for a child. He made me believe that my family would never love me if I told. He made me believe that no other man in my life would want me. I don't believe in justice anymore, because I have not gotten justice. He still runs free and has raped again. To me, he got away with it. I don't believe in goodness, What is the point?...Rape has changed everything."

Through writing this passage I realized that my childhood dictated my inability to fight. Children desire to be paid attention to, to be loved. They also are sponges and are easily manipulated into believing what is told, especially if they are rewarded in the process.

It is unimaginable to think about, but the biggest reason for a child's silence is the shame tied in with "good" feelings associated with sexual abuse. For instance, I grew up believing that touching myself and/or others in that area was wrong and dirty unless you were an adult, in love, and married. He changed that belief simply by giving me the attention I craved at that age.

I felt that shame deeply when asked to recall what happened in detail. All I could think was, He told me he loved me and it was just as much my fault as his. I can't say what we did. I will get in trouble. For this reason, much of what I experienced was washed away by my fear of punishment.

Gloria Wade discusses this in her book Hurting and Healing under the heading "I enjoyed the sex when I was a child. Does that mean it was my fault?":

"Children need touch. They do not thrive without it...We were designed to be close to our mothers' bodies and rarely put down. Touch and closeness meant safety and belonging, the difference between life and death. Being touched and held meant being bonded, and that meant food and protection. Not being touched could mean lack of love and abandonment to starvation and predators. A child has a body whose mouth responds to good tastes and genitals respond to gentle touching...New to the world, she cannot understand that it is fine to enjoy some things that feel good and not others. Inappropriate touching may feel good and gain approval from abusive adults. Sex, like fire and sharp knives, may sometimes be attractive to children, but it is the responsibility of adults to keep them safe."

As a survivor, when I read, "responsibility of adults," I have mixed emotions. There is no doubt that I cycle through self-blame and correctly blaming the man who raped me; however, I tend to push away any resentment held towards others that were around during that time in my life. I have never allowed myself to experience a gray area with emotions. I felt as if I allowed myself to be angry with someone, that it would turn into hate. Today, my therapist reminded me that I am allowed to be angry, even at those who I love.

Before I posted A Letter to My Rapist the other day, I was extremely on edge. I knew it was okay to be angry with him, but I felt so guilty for portraying that. I didn't know why until I journaled about it later that night:

"Every day I share a little more of my vulnerability, the harder it is for me to hold back the tears. Once again, I chose to write a blog post early because I wanted to stay true to my commitment. I decided to write about the letters I wrote to HIM. I thought it was a horrible post. Part of me still does, because I feel that anger is so childish. But why was that the hardest one to write? Because I haven't shown my anger yet? Is it because I am angry with other people as well?"

When I realized this, it unlocked a memory so brutal, it was hard to stomach. I began to disassociate but miraculously wrote down some things I saw, heard, and smelled before I was swallowed into the familiar abyss of panic:

"Dark silhouette...the train is loud outside...the glow of the T.V....the stink of sweat...He was hovering over me...Can't do this..."   

The reason I needed to bring up this part of my story is because now that I am a parent, I have a responsibility to protect my child. What we have to remember as parents is that we are also human so that means that we are flawed.

We WILL fail at some point in our parenting.

What I want to point out is that if something horrible ever does happen, God forbid, within your family or circle of friends, never blame yourself or those not responsible. Also, if you were wronged, and you are angry at more than just your attacker, because you felt someone failed you, that is okay. You are allowed to love someone and still be angry.

What is nice about being a parent, is that you can learn from past failures, and adapt the future in accordance with them. I know that even within a year's time I have changed my tactics numerous times to provide a healthier bond with my son. We strive to read our children's minds, in order to provide them with the best care possible, but that will never be an ability that we have. Yet, life experience may grant us great empathy and we must use that every chance we get.

In my case, I believe have a sixth sense to knowing who is/has been abused. As I progressed into adulthood, I could immediately pick out those who had been violated in some shape or form. I fully believe it is a gift that has been bestowed upon me due to what I experienced and I thank God for my empathy developed from this in order to help others.

However, not everyone can see beneath the exterior of someone who has been violated. Sometimes keeping an eye for the signs that are visible is the only way to know. I hope that the link below can provide some enlightenment:

http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/child-sexual-abuse

From what I remember (pulling from the site rainn.org), I experienced withdrawal, anxiety, guilt, phobias (reoccurring nightmares attributed to being afraid of the dark), and inappropriate sexual knowledge. Honestly I experienced a lot more of these but after the abuse was discovered.

With that being said, remember that sometimes the obvious signs aren't always there. Every victim is different.

As parents, we have a responsibility to educate our children on what is right and wrong. For many of us, keeping them in a bubble might be the only way to protect them from such harm, but bubbles are easy to pop.

There is a fine line between letting a child watch adult-themed movies and playing Grand Theft Auto (oh don't worry, I will be discussing this in a later post too) and educating them about sex before they learn about it from a teacher. I'm aware it may be uncomfortable and seem off to discuss this with children as young as 6, but it can save them from shame if they know that they are allowed boundaries even if a person of authority wants to cross those lines.

I am not here to discuss how to be a parent, because I'm still fresh; however, from my experience, I know what I wish could have been established in my mind in order to prevent it from happening.
What makes adulthood sad is knowing these traumas will still occur, no matter how hard we try to prevent them from happening. It is an unfortunate reality of living in a world of sin. 

I pray that my son never has to experience the turmoil of my childhood, as we all do, but I will always remind him that our courage and faith is tested on a daily basis. We have to look past the haze and grasp the opportunities to turn every evil in this world into an act of love.