Food: His Control and My Self-Esteem (Some Sensitive Material)

If you are in my circle of friends, the thought of me having any issues with food, other than loving it, probably baffles you. I pride myself in my ability to cook for my family and friends because I like to make people happy, and food, delicious food, can do that. Typically, when Greg and I invite people over to introduce them to Cuban cooking, it is an all day process. I always have to make sopa de pollo and arroz con pollo. It sounds much fancier in Spanish, but it really means chicken soup and chicken and rice....Cuban style!

My passion for food was born out of an everlasting cultural necessity to nurture those I love, so how is it even possible I could ignore that familial trait?

Self-esteem trumps all in an adolescent and mine was destroyed the minute HE chose to overpower me. Everything I perceived about beauty and love fizzled into a belief that I would never be good enough for anybody but him. Yet, I continuously tried to prove that I deserved love and attention from those who were around me. 

Growing up in the school district where I lived was a privilege because it was large, powerful, and took education to the next level. Not to mention, fine arts was not ignored, despite many other schools having to rid of it due to budget cuts. The other aspect, although I hate to say it, is that this school district was not brimming with diversity. For this reason, I felt pathetic while surrounded by white girls with skinny legs and hips. 

I was blessed with my mom's big eyes and tenacity, but my body, came from my dad's side of the family. Wide hips, round butt, tree-trunk thighs, and muscular calves that could feed a small family for a week.  These traits, just fueled that self-hatred I learned from HIS manipulation.

I attempted to be athletic, but that failed miserably. I was pretty much the loser for every sport I was involved in, which just increased my dislike for myself and life. I was mad that despite the amount of muscle in my legs, I wasn't faster, stronger, than the other girls. HE reminded me of my worthlessness,

"I'm the only one who thinks your pretty...no one else loves you but me.." NO! I'll lose weight! I'll make them love me! Shut up!

So naturally, I stopped eating. 

I'd skip breakfast, toss my lunch, and pick at my dinner. If I was ever forced to eat for appearances, I just made myself throw up after. Controlling my food intake was my first attempt at taking back the reigns of my life from the man who raped me. Silly, I know, yet understandable to those who struggle alongside me.

Eventually, my immune system weakened, and the common cold knocked me on my ass. To help me fall asleep, I took some Night-time Alka-Seltzer Cold, but since I was so weak, it had a major effect on me. I ended up passing out in the shower the next morning. On the way down I managed to scrape my back on the faucet.

When I visited the doctor that day, she showed me just how ineffective my feeble attempts of losing weight were. My rationality kicked in and I realized that there was no point...I was stuck with my body...stuck with his voice...

That is when I discovered that physical pain drowned out the emotional anguish within me...but once again, that story is for another day.

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I still don't have self-esteem issues, because they are rather prevalent in my life. Sometimes, it disables my ability to socialize in a new environment for fear of how people will look at me. I realize this isn't at all far-fetched for probably any woman out there, but those who experience trauma such as sexual assault can be extremely sensitive. They tend to hear simple statements about appearance out of context, absorb it into their mind, then cycle through that self-hatred installed by their assailant.

It can be trying for those we love to hear us beat ourselves up, because they continuously tell us, "You are beautiful! You are strong! Amazing! Loving!" Yet, we still don't believe it. I have learned that those words are empty until you say can say them out loud to yourself, with conviction.