I'm Still Bleeding... (Some Sensitive Material)

When I decided to be sober while simultaneously eliminating cutting as a source of relief, I knew it was going to be a challenge. What I didn't expect it to be was a constant battle between agony and liberation. There is a part of me that is relieved that the mental wall is finally being knocked down and all these fragments are finally coming into order. Yet, old memories are gaining sharpness each day, and the new memories are so unbearable, I lose my sense of security.

When I write for this blog, it is through my Elder voice. The one who can stand back, analyze a situation, and spout out words of wisdom. When I pull from my journal, it is through the voice of my Victim and sometimes my Warrior. "I am angry and hurt, why shouldn't I be?" and "I deserve a voice! Don't stand in my way!" 

I could write eloquently about the darkness I have seen, but what use would it be in aiding in the healing of other victims, if they couldn't see that I am still aching within? I am still early on in the process of healing, and that is why this thirty-day journey is unique from other memoirs one may have read. I am saying to the other survivors, "You are not alone and it is okay that you are hurting and angry. Be angry with me!" 

This journal entry is recent, yet explains that I still have doubts about my will to open up about my past. Entry from 4/16:

"I'm starting to lose my grip on a sense of sanity. There is no focus on things around me; they are just a blur. I go through the motions of being a mother, and wife, yet am always in another world simultaneously. Today, I cooked dinner without even thinking about what I was doing. All I could see, feel, hear, was him. This weather is supposed to represent rebirth, yet I am withering away to nothingness. Is facing these memories, old and new, head on worth the outcome despite my anguish right now? I hope so...I cannot give up. I need to heal for Greg, for Link...for me...I wish that mantra could keep me from thinking dark thoughts, but it is no use. I only wish to silence the voice inside me that says I will never be good enough for anybody but him...yet I will not resort to selfishness."

This was written on a day where I had recently relived some fresh memories and was on the brink of cutting. I chose to hold myself accountable by utilizing my support system and journaling. This is taken from a couple days before (4/14) when I started slipping:

"There are so many intricate details coming to fruition it is overwhelming. The smell of spring air, the rain, is creating a rift between reality and my childhood...I just feel fear..."

At this moment, I am still working through some flashbacks that bring me much humiliation. Whenever I attempt to work through the details, I end up creating a wall and blaming myself instead. Taken from the same entry as above:

"What is wrong with me? Why would I keep doing these things? I'm disgusting. I deserved it." 

My point through this post is to show that despite the knowledge behind my suffering, the wise strength, I am still going through the healing process and will be for some time. I'm not ashamed to share my consistent feelings of self-blame or rage, because they are very real to a trauma survivor. If you have spoken to me the past few days you have probably heard me say "I'm so angry at so and so because they failed me!' then two minutes later, "I can't be angry."

My goal is to let these emotions wash over me, without letting them hinder my ability to be raw, because that is the only way I can dig deep enough to siphon the poison out of this eighteen-year-old wound.