What's Holding You Back?

What's holding you back from embracing the real you?

If I were to tell you that it took me almost 20 years to accept who I really am, it might not surprise you. Plenty of people go through life not really knowing what they desire, and it makes sense. We are born into a world of uncertainty, pressured into making precise and hasty decisions about who we are to become.

At an early age, societal norms and values are ingrained within our being based on different cultural lenses we wear. You can deny it all you want, but there are just things stamped into our brains because of what we grew up around. So much of our cultural makeup affects how we look at the world, and sometimes that can define and takeover who we should be.

Some of these characteristics about ourselves that may tint our view may be our gender, race, ethnicity, neighborhood, religion, health status, financial status, sexual identity, and much more. I am a first generation Cuban-American who grew up in a very white neighborhood, with all the white privilege attached to it. My parents are members of a Baptist church, so that is where I went for a majority of my adolescence. We were financially stable. The typical American family from the looks of it.

Yet, there are things that happened to me, that we know of, that started to morph some of these building blocks. Amongst other characteristics, other titles such as Sexual Abuse/Rape Survivor and sufferer of Borderline Personality Disorder were added to that list. Even if I didn't recognize those things about me years ago, they still existed and ultimately impacted other areas of my personality.

For a long time my religion was compromised.

Because of a plethora of invalidation I received from those I trusted within the church, I gave up on that part of my life. Along with this judgement that seemed prevalent against people that I just don't judge. I always believed we were put on this earth by God to witness to the amount of love Christ had for us when he died on the cross. I believe we all sin every day and no sin is greater than the last.

I do not believe in judging others who are perceived to be living in sin, because that does us no good. How does that show unconditional love?

I was conditioned to hate myself from these many lenses I wore because I knew there were things that perhaps Christians may judge me for. Things about me that will never change. I'm not talking about my mental status or what not. I'm not talking about the self-harm addiction or any other thing I have even spoken on this blog.

For the first time since I have realized something crucial about who I am, I have decided to embrace it. Despite what those around me believe, I truly trust God made me this way.

You are probably wondering, "What the heck is she talking about?"

Yeah, I know. I have been super open about my trauma, my self-harm, alcohol abuse, and Borderline Personality Disorder, but what is holding me back from being open about all things?

Fear.

It is that simple.

There are literally only a handful of people that if I were to be completely open, that would probably harm me more than help, which is okay. But that small handful, is what's holding me back, at least for now.

So for now I say these words: I am different, I am special, I love everyone. I am not ashamed and thus far the people around me have accepted me as I am, and for that I am grateful. When the time is right, if ever, I may get past that fear, but this is still an early process of revealing for me, and I'm not ready to do that quite yet.