I Have the Right to be Human

So, does anyone remember how I was kind of pissed at my therapist about a week ago? Well, if you didn't catch my little rant, and want to read it, it is rather entertaining. I am not here to tell you I was out of line by spitting fire, but rather enlighten you that it is okay that I was angry. In fact, I called my therapist in between sessions, just to remind her of that fact.

Sure, that may seem harsh, but honestly, it was the best thing I could possibly do and this is why:
For the first time, I was not afraid to stand up for myself, even if it meant possibly hurting the other person's feelings.

I have said in previous posts that I tend to burden myself with shame over situations that aren't even remotely close to my fault, and I end up apologizing regardless. My reasoning behind this stems from my fear of abandonment. I rationalize that if I hurt someone's feelings by being honest in how they hurt me, they are going to run for the hills, never to socialize with me again. So I end up letting people walk over me, or apologize first whenever there is tension.

The problem is that I would always harbor this deep-seeded anger, which ultimately would lead to me pushing people away anyway. This type of behavior is something I can not afford with my therapist.

For days after my session, I had to keep practicing "Radical Acceptance," just to get through. I still had this hint of guilt festering, and even contemplated calling my therapist to apologize. A friend of mine encouraged me to call for coaching because his theory was, "If you can't call for coaching because you are upset, then you need to call for coaching and tell her you're pissed." So I did call her and said, "I am still angry, and I have been since our session." Her response:

"That's okay."

She explained how glad she was that I called to check in on our relationship, even if I was upset. She said it was important that I could be honest about my emotions. Surprisingly she said if I had apologized, she would have been sad, because that is not what she wanted.  After I hung up, I still felt uneasy, but the next morning I awoke with a sense of clarity. My first thought of the day was, "Why do I care what the hell she thinks? What is she going to do? Anger is a human emotion, and I have the right to be human!"

Click. Light turns on, Dana is happy.

When I saw my therapist next, I was no longer angry. In fact, once I was able to accept that "anger" the feedback she had given me that originally sent me in a whirl of chaos, began to make sense. I practiced being more mindful like she had requested, and I realized she ultimately was right, even if she worded it in a way that made me feel like a pile of crud.

What was really cool, was to hear her say she was proud of me. It was refreshing to feel a sense of accomplishment sitting across from her that day. I hope I can continue this trend, because it is remarkably superior to living in misery.