Down With the Sickness

For the past couple of days, I have been suffering from a pretty righteous sinus infection. Now normally, this wouldn't be a problem, because as a vocal musician, I have trained myself to battle through sickness like a champ. My regimen typically consists of a plethora of tea, meds, and lozenges. Not to mention the ever so important sleep. Before I had my son, I could take a sick day and sleep the gross away. Now, I have to keep up with a toddler while simultaneously blowing my nose and trying not to puke from my endless drainage.

First world problems right?

Maybe....yet, we are human, and regardless of the responsibilities of being someone else's caretaker, we are foremost a caretaker to ourselves. Granted, I will put my son above anyone else, and that is natural as a mother. However, if I run myself down to the bone in doing so, what good would that do?

These two days of me trying to push this sickness away got me thinking about my DBT skills, one of them being PLEASE. This skill focuses on reducing emotional vulnerabilities, and making sure one gets enough rest, especially when sick is one of them. How many of you try and push yourself when you are sick, and end up snapping at your loved ones, or having a break down? I'm sure Borderlines aren't the only ones in that boat. The only difference is we have a bit more of an extreme reaction.

If I don't get enough rest for a few days, I become vulnerable, and I end up soaking up every negative emotion I come across. Instead of crying it out, I usually feel as if there is no way out of my misery. Before I started DBT, I would immediately jump into some type of self-harming behavior. Because my therapist noticed my trends, we have been able to pinpoint when I become mentally weaker so now I call for coaching when I notice this happening.

But here is my dilemma....I am pretty miserable right now because I haven't been able to focus on getting better, but how can I when I have to be a mother and a wife? Too often I let the guilt of how others will feel if I take care of myself get in the way of healing. Honestly, this applies to my general status of continuing therapy. I do often feel like a burden to my family as I have to be in therapy twice a week. However, I can't let their human reactions deter my necessity to get better.

Yes, my husband might be frustrated when I go retreat into the bedroom to go get rest instead of spend time with him. Sure, my little man might be sad that I can't play with him today. These are all temporary though, and I'd much rather be a healthy and happy mother who has reduced her vulnerability than one who pushes herself to the point where she leaves her loved ones with nothing but an empty shell.