This Doesn't Seem Right...

I have mentioned before how my husband has grown weary of my progress through DBT and therapy in general, and I don't blame him. When you have been with someone who is as emotionally dysregulated as I am for 9 years, it might be hard to accept their sudden acceptance of reality. I have heard him say, "This doesn't seem right. There has got to be something shady going on here..."

No. I'm just not as crazy.

Yet, I'm not healed. 

What so many fail to understand is that BPD is ongoing. I will always have to be working at being mindful, but that is okay. Eventually all this practice will become natural, almost like muscle memory. Trying will transform into doing, and perhaps one day, it won't feel like I am playing a tedious game of Jenga with my brain.

This week, I had a moment of weakness and lost the game of balance against my mental awareness. It wasn't anything dramatic, but enough to make me realize that I am exhausted from fighting against myself. I don't know what triggered the wave of tears, but I just couldn't stop bawling. I felt as if my world was caving in on me, and I couldn't justify why. 

My only goal at that moment was to try and compose myself as best I could, because I couldn't let my husband know I was falling apart. I mean, I was making such good progress. How does a blubbering woman-child represent that? It doesn't. All it does is prove his doubts that I'm not really okay.

But really I am, but I'm kind of not too...

Here is the thing: I can be both happy and sad at the same time. It is totally possible, although I never use to think so. I always felt that you could either be ecstatic with life, or epically miserable. Never a little bit of both. Last week I spoke about how there were some relationships in my life that I feel I am losing, and that I was okay with that. I am...really.

But then again... 

I have worked SO incredibly hard in the past eight months to not be an over-bearing and passive aggressive needy BPD wart that I can be and I know I have done a pretty awesome job. I am confident I have given the space to those who have needed it and have shown my care for them over any of my needs. I truly care for others more than myself most of the time anyway. I just have over analyzed some of my friends sudden silence as a sign of "hating me" so then I would just end up pushing them away regardless.

So here is what I am trying to say:

I am sad because I think things are changing in areas that I didn't want to change, and I will miss that. I also struggle still with flashbacks and urges that I must keep in check by utilizing my skills and therapist. None of these things mean I am failing though, because I am actively trying to mend these parts of my life. 

If anything, I am stronger now admitting that I am still working hard at becoming whole, than when I was pushing down my trauma for all those years, pretending I was solid.