I Will Not Eat the Darkness

It's hard to imagine that despite my immense progress through DBT, and my ability to more easily manage my BPD, I still fall off the wagon. I don't mean full-blown laying on the bathroom floor with cuts up and down my legs, but to the point where the thoughts were there. Up until this past weekend, I have barely had any suicidal or self-harm thoughts for a few weeks. This was new to me.

The minor stresses of adulthood were no longer throwing me into an uncontrollable rage, and I was forming multiple relationships without breaking them within the same week. Music, worship leading, and my family were keeping me busy. Things were awesome! 

Then my husband left for a business trip. No big deal right? Not ultimately, unless you are a Borderline who catastrophizes everything. Fear of the unknown became my new best friend once I dropped my husband off at the airport. The scenario went a little like this:

Husband: "Bye sweetie, I love you!" Kisses wife.
Wife: "I'm going to miss you so much! Please text me every five seconds!" Tries to kiss husband back, but the massive amount of tears flowing from her eyes siphons into his mouth instead. She drives away looking calm for a split-second, then falls apart repeatedly on the way home. Baby is in back seat laughing at mama's wailing and mimics her. 

The freak-out was purely instigated by my thoughts of "Oh no! What if this is the last time I will ever see my husband again!???!?!?!"

Now, I am aware that this is a normal thought that crosses many women's minds when it comes to their significant others, children, other family members, or close friends. So don't think I'm surprised by this. Remember though, my emotions can be heightened for an extended period of time. This is why skills are so important for me, because otherwise I would be feeling that dread 100% of the time for at least a few days.

So I kept myself busy for those four days my husband was gone. I made plans with friends, took on musical projects, worked a couple full-length shifts at my part-time job, and stayed with my step-mother for company for those few nights. In all aspects, it worked well, but what I didn't realize was that I was just delaying the effects of my turmoil. While I was being smart by keeping myself occupied, I left out other crucial components of my ability to stay stable. Rest and exercise.

Each night my husband was away,  I got an average of 3 to four hours of decent sleep. On top of that, due to my need to overload myself with projects, I haven't ran consistently for about a month. Not exactly a great combination. When you throw in the fact I was unable to spend the one day out of the year I get to be spoiled (my birthday) with my husband, and how sad that made me, what do you get? A breakdown!

This past weekend, I snapped at someone in public, a friend at that,  then beat myself up over it. Within moments I received a passive aggressive text from my husband (it happens) which then threw me into absolute rage. While I had friends around me that helped me and prayed over me, I was still on fire. The only thing I wanted to do was cut. I was at a function without my husband, so my solution was to just avoid going home. I drove to an empty lot, and called my therapist for accountability. Then I sat there for about 20 minutes until the desire to hurt myself subsided.

The rest of the night the thoughts kept going in and out. The mental exhaustion had taken its toll, and I frankly just wanted to give up. After talking to my therapist, I managed to rationalize things better, but this entire week has been one filled with anxiety, anger, and depression. It is now that I have realized that this "emotional regulation" is a full-time gig, and I can't wait for the day where all these skills become muscle memory and I no longer have to exhaust myself in the process of becoming level.

I hope that those around me remember that despite my faith and love for God, my family, and my friends, there is still darkness in my head. It may not show its face as often, but I will constantly have to be working on preventing its reappearance. Even years from now, I'll probably be using skills on a daily basis, but the important concept to remember is that I will NOT eat the darkness.