A Birthday Transformation: From Victim to Survivor to Thriver

So here I am, one year closer to 30, and finally figuring out what I'm supposed to be doing with the hand I have been dealt. Most of this transformation has taken place in the past year, more specifically, the past eight months. It is overwhelming to think that if it weren't for the people God placed in my life, I would not have seen this day.

I don't like to remember the day I started planning my suicide, because it makes me feel ashamed of my condition, especially when it was not being managed. I had planned to book a hotel room in order to journal for a weekend, something I had thought previously would be a good idea anyway. My husband was doing his best to support me through my turmoil because at that point there was nothing he could say or do to pull me from my depression. All he could do was go along with what he knew deep down was not a good idea.

The idea was to be away from anyone who could pull me back into reality, and I was going to write my story down, and my reason for not wanting to live with the repeated horror show in my head...my rapist's constant punishing voice echoing between my ears.

Before I had the chance to complete my plan, I was placed in the path of a nurse practitioner who went above and beyond the call of duty and my best friend, who knows how to break me into complete vulnerability. For the full story click here.

So here I am, alive, and so thankful for it. I do still struggle with wavering thoughts of suicide, which comes and goes with BPD, but I am learning to manage the triggers that bring those on,  and they have decreased in quantity significantly.

I fight day to day because I know I have been placed on this earth to serve a purpose. No one goes through the hell I experienced just to sit on their ass for the rest of their life waiting for things to get better. One can not just turn a blind eye to evil like that. And I don't. My biggest goal through coming forward with my story was to one day be able to help others.

Now I am a member of RAINN's Speakers Bureau. I have used my passion for music to spread love and joy by becoming a worship leader at my church. I also started up a YouTube channel for my followers on my Facebook page to see how music can be a vital instrument in the healing process. I share original music and my renditions of popular songs. More recently I interviewed for a volunteer victim advocate position at my local YWCA, which would be one of my biggest personal achievements through this journey as I would directly be helping victims.

So yea, I guess you can say I have met my calling in life as an advocate and artist. Nothing brings me more joy than using the gifts and hardships I have been blessed/hindered by in a way that shines a light in this world that otherwise is washed with darkness.

I could have chosen to leave out the fact that I almost didn't make it past this year of my life, but my birthday happens to fall the same month as Suicide Prevention Awareness, it just made sense to share that portion of my year.

I pray that this next year, I can continue to be brave for those who have lost their armor due to being traumatized. I promise to never give up, and always be a voice for other victims. Additionally, I will not stop writing or composing music, because it is through these artistic outlets that the most awareness is delivered.

Stay tuned for another year of transformation.