Screw Mindfulness

I would love to have the luxury of throwing in the towel when it comes to the battle with DBT. Two weeks in, and I am finding myself more prone to every negative emotion that exists. For those who aren't familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder, emotional dysregulation and negativity are not a good pair. 

For a normal person, negative emotions like sadness come and go like the gentle waves washing ashore at a steady pace. BPD emotions are like a tsunami; they build up slowly, but gain tremendous momentum, and once they hit, the damage can not be undone and the cleanup is atrocious. 

In my last post, I spoke of my frustration at the constant use of skills as a "crisis management." It can be helpful when dealing with the little headaches in life that I quickly catastrophize into migraines; however, when dealing with trauma memories, they have been less than helpful. 

I am aware that skills aren't meant to wash away the pain; they are simply used to take down heightened situations a couple notches. The thing is, I may be able to hold some ice and prevent a massive breakdown, but it leaves me unable to process the memories that press so heavily on my consciousness. 

I feel when I'm utilizing skills that I'm giving in to another type of suppression. Granted, it is healthier than alcohol abuse or cutting myself, but it still is doing what I wish NOT to do. How can I deal with the memories if they are muted by distractions, and endless pros and cons lists?  It doesn't change the fact that I still hear his voice telling me that I'm not good enough and not worth living.

I was on the phone with one of my best friends the other day and started bawling because I was sick of feeling out of control. I hear all the time that DBT is teaching me how to control these emotions, but I feel that I am failing to do that. I so desperately wish I could stop having days where I am struck by a "tsunami" that pushes me towards self-harm and suicidal thoughts, but I'm not there yet.

I know I have at least six months left of DBT, so I should probably give myself a break, and also give my therapist the benefit of the doubt. Yet, I can't help but feel like I am a child that was never taught how to do simple things like cry properly. In turn, the discussions in group and the homework assignments seem elementary resulting in my intelligence being challenged. I pride myself in being wise, so when emotional regulation is dumbed down in the form of an acronym, and I am incapable of putting it into practice, my internal tantrums begin.

I quit. 

But just one more week...

Okay. I can do this.

Nope. Nope...

BAH! 

Stupid mindfulness...screw mindfulness...

I love Link...keep going.

I love Greg...keep going.

I want to live...

KEEP GOING.