Diabolical Bologna Therapy

Considering I am only three weeks into DBT, it is no surprise that I am feeling more helpless than when I began. There is nothing more invalidating, or offensive, than using skills, having them not work, failing, and being told, "Well, let's try some different skills." My answer, specifically in my most recent session, "Eff skills."

That apparently is a common reaction to Dialectical Diabolical Behavior Bologna Therapy. 

Sorry, I can't help but be somewhat sarcastic about the whole thing.

When I go into group and half of it is spent focusing on the five senses and how they can produce a self-soothing environment, it almost makes me feel like I'm in elementary school. My stubbornness and pride in intelligence refuses to see the rationality in these solutions. Granted, yesterday I was already in a vulnerable state, and instead of admitting that to my group leaders, I pushed it aside and let it control me.

I had suffered from an unexpected flashback that left me with a continuing reel in my head of his voice reminding me that I was worthless. I went to group already thinking dark thoughts. I decided after group to admit to a group leader I was feeling vulnerable and in order to remain safe she got rid of some pills I had on hand. 

I know it is almost impossible to comprehend that I had to protect myself from myself, especially when I value so much in my life. It is true, I love so many people, but I fail to love myself. It is a part of the BPD complex that creates a cycle of self-hate, suicidal thoughts, guilt from feeling suicidal, self-harm, guilt from self-harm....it just keeps going and going.

I went home after group feeling empowered for getting rid of my pills, but then I felt alone. I was by myself, and sadness set in. The flashback I had pushed away for a majority of the day flooded back full force and I couldn't bring myself to utilize any helpful skills or call for coaching. I failed and experienced somewhat of a "lashing" in my next session.

When I admitted to my therapist that I had solved my problem with an unacceptable behavior, she was rightfully frustrated and scolded me. She reminded me of my issue with asking for help, and also pointed out that I let my intelligence get in the way of my ability to utilize skills. In essence, my high IQ is blocking my emotional intelligence. I push away the rationality of self-soothing, or performing cave-man tasks because it seems so elementary and couldn't possibly solve MY problems. 

The reality is, I am hurting, and I can't be afraid to admit that when it is eating away at me to the point of self-harm or suicide. I can't be ashamed that I feel that way, because I shouldn't expect that only three weeks in that I'm going to be automatically washed of my diagnosis. DBT isn't about curing, it is about making a life worth living, even while suffering from an illness like Borderline Personality Disorder.

To my readers, I promise to keep being honest. Albeit shame of my constant turmoil, it would do no good to others,  who are similarly afflicted, to hide what I'm truly experiencing.