Don't Cry Over Spilt Tomatoes

For the first time, in five weeks of DBT, I left group without feeling like my heart was going to explode out of my chest. I don't know if it was going into group with a sense of pride over recent accomplishments, or the interactions amongst fellow members, but I didn't feel like crawling into a dark pit to wither away when I left the clinic. 

This week, we talked about "Radical Acceptance," which is something I have a hard time applying to the trauma in my life, but have recently applied to my condition. Radical Acceptance is the ability to completely accept reality as it is with your whole being. Sounds easy right? It really isn't.

Catastrophizing is the name of the game when it comes to Borderlines. Here is an example of how I handled a situation that people who are NOT emotionally dysregulated might consider insane:

A few years ago, my husband and I returned from a trip to the grocery store. I was already on edge, considering merely thinking about groceries sends shivers up my spine. The only thing that gets me through the ordeal is purchasing certain food items I spoil myself with. This day, I had purchased a couple of packages of golden sweet grape tomatoes. I was ecstatic. Being the macho man my husband is, and his refusal to make more than one trip up the three flights of stairs to our apartment, he attempted to carry all the bags in one heave. What started as a valiant effort, ended with my tomatoes scattered on the pavement, along with a broken jar of Prego that happened to smother my little delights. Between the shards of glass and sauce, it looked like the tomatoes had been shanked to death.  I was DEVASTATED, began yelling profanities, then bawled like a child. My day was ruined, and while I did my best to hide my turmoil, I failed.

This particular instance is menial in comparison to some of the major aspects of life that radical acceptance should be used for, but when you have Borderline, acceptance is essential when any type of shit hits the fan.

There are things I have recently chose to accept, and it has made it easier to go through the process. One of them is that I have Borderline Personality Disorder and my willingness to enter DBT has proven that I have radically accepted my condition. The other has to do with my frequency and intensity of flashbacks.

Up until this point, I had been fighting with every ounce of my being against the memories, which typically resulted in an extreme case of disassociation. This past week,  I recognized I had flashed back, observed my fear, grounded myself quickly before I had a chance to get sucked in, and went about my evening.

On the other hand, my husband was at a loss, because he realized there was no telling what could trigger my flashbacks. My answer to him was, "Honestly, I couldn't tell you either, but it could be anything and everything that is tied to my childhood. The fact of the matter is, we have to accept that I'm going to get them, and not let them destroy our intimacy"

How is that for radical acceptance?