As I have stated before, I suffer from disabling nightmares. Recently, I journaled about the frequency and severity of them:
"The dreams are no better than they were last week. I become part of his world...he overpowers my thoughts of safety. When I try to change the scenario, it just re-morphs into a nightmare. I'm always tired, always scared. It infiltrates my reality, disabling me from moving. I just want to be numb. I want to sleep in absolution. No dreams, just emptiness. Nothing is real. I feel like I am walking in a desolate world. My tethers to reality are starting to slip away."It is easy to see how my constant struggle with nightmares and flashbacks resulting in a lack of sleep could turn into a desire to escape reality.
The other night, the nightmare happened to transition into a dissociative episode once I awoke. I became my 8-year-old self and was unfamiliar with my surroundings which just magnified the terror I was experiencing. The only thing my husband could do was try to remind me of where I am. Eventually I was in the fetal position on our bed sobbing uncontrollably and barely able to breathe. I was forced to use self-soothing skills in order to calm my self back into a working slumber.
Within 48 hours after my episode I went through every single one of the other skills I had learned the previous DBT group session. Even more surprising was that I gathered the courage to call for coaching, because I felt myself starting to slip. Making the call was the hardest thing I have done in a while. Simply because in doing so, I was admitting that I needed help, and for those who know me, I am a stubborn mule when it comes to requesting assistance.
It was the first time I was able to say, "I am not doing well, and I need help" and feel absolutely no shame in doing so.
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