Still Strong

Two days before Christmas and the usual giddiness that surrounds this time of year has finally started to settle in. It has taken longer for me this year to wrangle up the holiday cheer, which is surprising considering this is Link's first Christmas.

Part of it might have to do with my husband's demanding work schedule getting in the way of really enjoying any traditions leading up to the 25th. Or possibly the continuing winter weather advisories that  West Michigan received, while no surprise, put a damper on life. Most of it, however, is attributed to the personal battles I have been facing in the past week. 

Like I stated in my previous post, I have to rebuild my emotional wall, and thus far it hasn't been easy. This process has enabled me to push myself in the physical aspect and because of that, I have consistently been able to run multiple 5ks, which I honestly did not think I could do at this point. However, within an hour of me completing a run, I slid back into a funk.

I felt like a hypocrite because I have been talking about strength and pushing through boundaries and although I have physically been able to do that, my emotional stability has been less than solid. 

It wasn't until I spoke to a friend who I have recently connected with that I realized, I'm not weak, just normal. Part of life is dealing with unexpected "flaring"of a past you would rather long forget. I came to the conclusion that I may have a bad couple of weeks, which is okay because I am truly still strong. I will eventually shatter that wall once again and continue on with my journey.

I am grateful for this friend, because although she may not realize her impact, she put things in perspective for me. 

I can finally enjoy what is left of Christmas and I can't wait to get back out on the road, figuratively and literally.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone! 

Unexpected Unravelment

Anyone who embarks on a journey of transformation is aware that it is not upon a straightforward path. Usually it starts with an incline, until you get in the swing of things then occasionally there are bumps, twists, dips, and turns. I was not afraid to face the adversities along the way of my adventure, but last week I was sucker-punched back to the starting line.

I wish that it was as simple as a physical set-back, but unfortunately it was my emotional wall of strength that I have built up for a lifetime that crumbled.

For me, running and strength training aren't accomplished by my physical capabilities, but my emotional prowess.  I am a headstrong person so I don't give up easily because I am able to put concerns aside to attain success.

Yet, I was caught off guard, and got the wind knocked out of me. I apologize for my vagueness in this particular situation, but it isn't something I could openly discuss, just know that it was enough for me to question myself. At the point I started to unravel, my person (Grey's Anatomy junkies will get this) was not available. Not to mention my husband was at work and my son was not being cooperative in his nap taking.

So I ran, because, well that is all I could do. When that didn't help, I was even more frustrated. It wasn't until I was on my way to work and my person called me back that I mildly chilled out. This person, has always been pretty blunt with me. She gave me the facts, "I'm sorry, but this isn't the only time this will happen in your life. This is just the first time...among many. I don't think one could ever get past it."I grumbled at the sound of the news she had just delivered, but I knew she was right.

That night I went out with a work friend, let loose, then went home to a husband who was ready for my breakdown. He helped remind me the importance of life and the blessings that we have and immediately my anger dissolved into acceptance.

Yes, I have to recharge my defenses, but I know I have plenty of help to do that. I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life to aid me in this process.

I am now more determined to become an even stronger person than I was. It might take me a while and I might be afraid, but I am eager.

I run because...

This morning I woke up to a snow covered drive way and street and although as a Michigander this doesn't surprise me, I was rather discouraged. My intention had been to go on a short run, but since I haven't invested in a pair of Yaktrax, that idea vanished with one fell swoop. So instead I have chosen to rest and to anyone else that might seem like a smashing plan, but inside I am dying.

No, I don't have a treadmill, and yes, I could do other indoor activities to raise my heart rate; however, nothing is quite the same as running. 

To many, running is a drug, and I completely understand that now. It is a combination of the adrenaline rush, endorphins, but mostly empowerment generated from the ability to turn negative energy into a positive outlook just from 25 minutes of pushing yourself.

Anyone who comes in contact with me on a regular basis is aware of how high-strung I can be.  Sadly, it is just in my nature. The littlest things can stress me out and it is mostly because I immediately see the negative in any situation. My husband calls me a cynic, I prefer the word "realist." 

My past, while filled with amazing memories, is also spotted with darkness caused by some pretty heavy events, so I am actually pretty tough-skinned. It has made me strong-willed and I generally don't falter in confrontation. On the other hand, it enables me to detect adversity instantly. I sometimes just can't give a situation the benefit of the doubt because of what I experienced. Unfortunately, it is my fatal flaw.

Running helps suppress it. 

I finally found something that reminds me of how amazing life really is. The fact that I have been blessed with the ability to run even when statistically I shouldn't be able to, is a constant reminder of how strong I really am.  

This whole journey I have embarked on is more than just about losing weight. Or even about being healthy. It is about embracing the life I was blessed with no matter what hardships I have faced. I did not want to have that "Why bother" mentality anymore, because it wasn't the person I had aimed myself to be. 

Running resets my brain. It reminds me that we are tested constantly in the walk of life and if I have been given the capability to push myself through a physical barrier, there is no reason I can't conquer any emotional situation just the same.

Pushing Through Judgement

So....I made it through Thanksgiving!

Progress update:

• I've lost a total of about 6 lbs
• I've lost a total of 4 inches off my waist and hips.

I'm not gonna lie, these past couple weeks have been a doozy. Because I had not yet invested in a proper pair of running shoes, I managed to injure my ankle. Not seriously, yet enough to hinder my performance during my workout sessions. I decided it was time to get fitted for the right shoe.

I followed the advice of some friends and family and visited a local run/walk shoe shop. They are known for taking the time to fit people in the correct shoes by watching you walk and accurately measuring your foot length, arch height, etc. I brought Link with me, which I assumed wouldn't be an issue.

When I walked in, I was greeted promptly, and asked what I was in for. I explained that I was getting back into running and needed a fitting. The young girl working just said "okay," without a smile and directed me to the chairs. She measured my foot and watched me walk then disappeared into the back room to grab multiple brands of shoes for me to try on. 

The whole time I was trying on shoes, to me, it seemed like she really wasn't making an effort. It was almost as if she couldn't believe that this overweight mom was running and/or she was perturbed by Link being in the store with me. Almost EVERY store that I am in, when I am talking to a sales associate, they are usually fawning over his overwhelmingly adorable cheeks and making baby noises. This girl acted as if he didn't exist. When I had to calm him down a couple times, she kinda made this face as if she had just thrown up in her mouth and was trying to choke it back down.

Don't get me wrong, she did ultimately help me find the right shoe, but it wasn't until after I had left the store and gone home to think about it. I appreciate a non-pushy sales experience, but she wasn't even trying. Because it was so awkward, I initially chose a pair of Saucony's that felt pretty comfortable, but not as "cushy" as a pair of Nike's that I had tried on previously. The only reason I chose the Saucony's were because they were slightly cheaper. The girl said she would put them on hold for a couple days, even after I told her I probably would buy a pair that day if my husband said it was okay. She just kept saying, "Eh, I'll just put them on hold." I was like "Mmm...okay?"

So needless to say, I felt extremely uncomfortable, and strolled out the door without the usual retail "have a nice day" following me.  I called my husband and told him about the whole experience and asked him what I should do. He asked me, "Well, forget about the girl, which shoe felt the best?" I said "The Nike's." He said, "Then buy the freakin' Nike's. I don't care if they are a little bit more expensive." SOLD!

Honestly, all that sales associate had to do was make me feel comfortable with my own decision. She made me doubt every choice I made by having a quizzical look on her face as a reaction every time I asked for her opinion. So I ended up looking online for the Nike's, found them on sale, and now they will be on my doorstep this afternoon. The local store could have had my sale, but they lost it simply by not being more interested in my particular situation.

I don't want to point fingers and say that I was necessarily judged for being a certain size or being a mom, but it sure felt like it.  Coincidentally, if my mom, who is extremely fit, yet far from a runner (no offense Mom), had gone in to this store, there probably would have been less of an obligation and more of a desire to help. 

Regardless of how I felt when I left that store, I didn't let it affect my desire to continue my lifestyle. I kind of have this John Locke mentality when it comes to fitness:

"Don't tell me what I can't do."

Everywhere I read tells me I shouldn't be able to do what I am doing, but they are wrong. If you are willing to push yourself, do it! Just be smart about it! Wear a heart-rate monitor, and stretch. Ice if you have to and always warm up!

Here is to all of us kicking down those mental walls and pushing our physical boundaries!

Stuffing the Turkey, but Not Yourself

Ah, my favorite time of year doth approaches.

The smell of mojo marinated turkey, black beans and rice, stuffing, pumpkin pie.....oh man! Did I ever mention that I absolutely love food?

Well, I do.

My love for shoveling delicacies in my mouth, however, will have to be dampened by my passion to stay true to my new lifestyle.

That doesn't mean that I'm not going to enjoy a little bit of everything, I'm just not going to have an entire plate just for stuffing along with other plates piled with numerous items.

So for those of you who are also watching your intake, I figured I would share with you some of my tips that will get me through this holiday:

1. Just because it is a holiday, it doesn't mean you shouldn't work out. Wake up early if you have to and get a long cardio/strength mix workout. I personally will be stealing a workout from Rugged Regimen that combines 10 rounds of: running for 3 minutes, 12 squat jumps, 12 push-ups, 24 cross-body mountain climbers, 24 split jumps, and 12 plank to pushups. That should be a large burn and remember you have to eat back what you burn PLUS the base calories you have set yourself at to lose weight.
2.  You can enjoy everything, just control your portions. For instance, I won't be having a full serving of mashed potatoes, and rice and beans. I'll probably split the serving up. 
3. Load up on healthy veggies. I'm not talking about green bean casserole with the crunchy onions on top. Orange glazed carrots, mustard greens (like kale), roasted cauliflower, and fresh salads that aren't riddled with caramelized nuts and warm bacon dressing. These will help fill you up, while getting essential nutrients, and not going hog-wiled on calories.
4.  When making recipes, try and substitute as MUCH as possible. There are plenty of pumpkin desserts that call for cream cheese. Just buy the low fat one, it tastes the same (especially when mixed in with other ingredients) and it saves on the calories. Oh, and one other thing. Just stay away from the heavy cream. Let me break it down for you. 1 cup of heavy cream is just over 800 calories. 1 cup of low-fat half and half is 200. If you think there is a huge difference, there really isn't. If a cup of half and half doesn't thicken whatever you just added it to, just let it cook for a tad longer.
5. This is for the ladies. If you just don't think you can trust yourself to stop eating, something that helps me is wearing a shaper. If you have one that goes up over your chest (but below the hoohahs) it should help you not over eat, because if you do, it will be extremely uncomfortable. Any of you moms remember when your tummy was so big that if you ate past a certain point it would just all come up? Wearing a shaper is kind of like that, just not as uncomfortable or as severe. It works for me, I can't guarantee it will work for you.
6. If you are going to be drinking wine, here is a list of low calorie wine brands http://www.thedrinksbusiness.com/2013/04/top-10-low-calorie-wine-brands/2/ Remember that the more alcohol is in something the more calories there are. Red wines, generally, are also a better choice then sweet white wines.

So, those are the tips that I will be following this year. By all means, I am no expert, but I have learned a lot from a handful of people that know what it means to be healthy. I am just an average mom with a desire to become healthy and these are tips I know I can follow without feeling like I missed out on the tastiest holiday of the year.

Happy Thanksgiving all! 

And just a friendly reminder that Thanksgiving is a time for family, gathering, eating, and football. It is not a day for shopping. There are many retail employees that unfortunately can not enjoy this time on Thanksgiving because their stores choose to be open which is in my opinion just insane.

Staying True

Wow! I actually made it through a second week of my new regimen, and I couldn't be happier.  The old me would have already given up and been on her third bag of sour patch kids by now, but the new me is welcoming all the changes in my life.

I wanted to update everyone who dares to read my measly blog because in a way it keeps me accountable for my actions. So I might as well list of some of my accomplishments in the past week:

1. I have lost 2 lbs.
2. I have lost at least an inch at both my waist and hips.
3. I have maintained my calorie intake while eating healthy.
4. I burnt over 3000 calories.

On top of my physical accomplishments, I cooked some new meals, worked 4 days at my part time job, donated plasma twice, did homework, practiced plenty of piano, and played with my baby boy. To say the least, my week was quite busy. 

And guess what?

It starts all over again tomorrow! I couldn't be more excited!

I'm not gonna lie, it was a hard week, but it was rewarding. Seeing my progress has enabled me to push myself further each day.  One of the things that I have noticed that isn't customary for me, is that I get delighted to do my workouts.  The amount of relief that I get from the little stresses of adulthood is incredible. I have found that although financial worries are always a constant in my world, the gravity of it isn't as heavy.  Also, when I find some bits of motherhood overwhelming, that endorphin rush usually helps put things back into perspective.

All of you new moms out there, especially the SAHMs, understand that every day brings a new challenge and generally those challenges have the power to override any desire to transform yourself into the person you want to be.  Most of the strength I have gained has not been physical, but actually emotional, as it takes unwavering dedication to continue this journey. 

No matter what life places before your feet, there is no reason to drop the desire to continue in whatever path you choose.

New Beginnings

So...hey there everyone.

I know, I know, I have been slacking quite a bit. What has it been, five months?

Sounds about right...

So here is the deal.

Five months ago, I was on a new mom high.  I had just decided to leave my demanding job to stay at home with Link and was super excited.  I had that "nothing can stand in my way" mentality.  Included in that mentality was the idea to start this blog so I could tell the wonderful tales of motherhood from what I believed to be an interesting perspective.

Then, I decided to feel sorry for myself.

It is no surprise really. All new moms go through the same type of thing at some point, mine just took me a while to realize how deep in depression I really was.

I wasn't working full time anymore and my social life was close to extinct. The only human interaction I was getting was with my baby, husband, and immediate family. I understand that this may not sound like a horrible life; however, it was a HUGE adjustment. I made a living by being a social butterfly and by deciding to commit myself to my child I clipped those wings right off.

So instead of dealing with my feelings of inadequacy and regret, I turned to Netflix. Seriously, this addiction was at its worst because I was watching full series, even of stuff I had already seen before. I didn't want to exercise, or nonetheless blog, because all I cared about was Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Desperate Housewives, Parks and Rec, 24, Breaking Bad, Supernatural, Scandal, Revenge, Once Upon a Time, Alias....I'm sure there are more... I know there are more.

I told you it was bad.

I somehow thought that I could just cover up my depression with my involvement in the fictional worlds presented by television, but I was completely wrong.  I had lost interest in the importance of my life. Sure, I knew I was essential as a mother, but I couldn't find any other reason why I was crucial. That is when I stopped caring about how I looked.

I would kid myself into believing that I was "slimming down" from my feeble attempts at losing weight, but I really was just rationalizing my poor health habits.  For months, I continued the cycle of working out, kind of watching what I was eating, weighing myself, tossing my hands up in the air asking "What's the point?" when the number on the scale did ANYTHING but go down, and then head for the emergency bag of whatever fruity candy I could conjure up.

Then, I had the amazing opportunity to go visit my aunt in Texas with my mom and step-dad. I even brought Link with me! It was a blast but while I was there I was reminded of the importance of taking care of myself.

 My mom has continuously encouraged me to better myself and although I would listen to her repeated advice in agreement,  I would tend to not take it to heart on a permanent basis because I am habitual in my ways. She is probably nodding her head right now because she is all to familiar with this back and forth between both our stubborn Cuban attitudes. My aunt, however, has her own kind of, what we call "Mesa mentality," and usually it scares the crap out of me.  In a good way.

It wasn't until after a morning Tabata session in Texas with my mom and my aunt that something snapped. I initially was aggravated because the amount of pressure I felt to lose weight between the two of them was overwhelming. I was feeling as if no one thought I could accomplish anything on my own.  I even said some things that were out of anger and I regret that. I ultimately realized that I was really upset with myself and not them. I had let myself go and I was infuriated.

After I returned home, I made a serious commitment to get back to being healthy and active. I started the Rugged Regimen, which my aunt showed me. I also have been eating a low-cal, high protein, diet to curb my desire for snacking.  I have started practicing piano instead of watching TV and also interacting more with Lincoln.  It has only been a week, but I'm finally starting to realize what it really takes to be a super mom. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and I am ready to start this new chapter in my life.

Thank you Mom and Tia Angie for being such a continued support in my life and sorry for being such a pain in the butt. I love you both.

The dreaded first shots...

So today my chunk-meister had his two month appointment.  Along with the normal weigh-in, length measurement, poking and prodding, came the vaccinations.

I was well aware that the cooing, smiling boy kicking his legs happily on the examination table would soon be turned into a screaming fiend, but it still didn't prepare me for the look on his face when the nurses on either side of him jabbed the large needles into his thighs.

"Hold his arms mom," one of the nurses said.  I calmly pressed his hands to his chest thinking Well this helped when they had to draw his blood, so he should be fine...Right? Nope.

The look on Link's face one can only describe as pure agony.  His face turned the deepest shade of red that it could possibly be and his mouth opened so wide I almost thought his jaw had unhinged.  At first there was no sound...silence before the storm...and then...

WAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!AHHHHHH!!!!!WAH! WAH! *COUGH* *COUGH*

Rinse. Repeat.  All the way through me putting his clothes back on and packing him up in the car-seat ready to go.

When I walked out of the room all the nurses stared at me as if I had just ran a marathon naked.  He was that loud.

Thankfully, as soon as I popped Link into the car and started driving he became comatose.  Since then he has been just a cuddle bug.  Doesn't want to be away from me.

So this is the lesson I give to future and new moms....

Yes. Shots stink. BUT...

Cuddling is the best.

Grocery Shopping

So last night I was almost certain that my child would not sleep well due to his crabby day.  In fact, my status on Facebook from last night reads, "That moment when you realize you should probably force yourself to sleep if only for the fact that your son will be up in a few hours..." 

I was wrong.

I woke up to Link's fidgeting at 6:40am.  I audibly yelped "Oh my gosh!"  My husband Greg nearly jumped out of bed, "What?! Is everything okay?!!" 

"Yea, he just slept for...seven...hours." I was overjoyed, yet in the back of my mind I knew that the day was not going to continue being easy.

However, little Link was quite acceptable through my morning routine and an hour long work out.  I was thinking Man, I am getting the hang of this mom thing!  Then I got over confident and decided to go to Meijer to grocery shop with the baby.

Now I have gone to Meijer plenty of times with him but usually Greg is accompanying us to help carry things and speed things alone, so this adventure was new to me.  

Immediately as I snapped Lincoln into his car seat he decided to start that awful late afternoon bout of crying that transforms his whole body into a red, sweaty, hot mess.  Normally, I would pull him out of the car-seat and see if he needed a change or if he was hungry, but I knew that could not be possible as I had just accomplished a very disgusting diaper change on top of feeding him 6 oz.

So I let him cry it out. And it was awful.  I hate hearing him cry so hard that he can't breathe. But it is something all mom's have to deal with so I digress.

We are on our way to Meijer and he is still crying.  I am getting nervous because I do not want to be the lady with the screaming kid, yet taking my time picking the perfect carton of strawberries.

Luckily he was fine the entire time we were in there.  Not a peep.

So why did I tell this story?
To remind all future moms that sometimes you just have to roll up your sleeves and say "I GOT THIS!"  Eventually everything will work out.

I didn't think I could stuff the groceries in the trunk along with a play-mat and stroller yet look at what I achieved.

The beginning...

I have an eight-week old who is simply the cutest, cuddliest, coolest.....what am I kidding....crabbiest baby on the face of this planet.

Yea, I can't help it, he is simply adorable.  He is a natural model.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how adorable or intoxicating his looks are, he is a baby.  A crying, fussy, baby.  

I am here to share my adventure in motherhood being as blunt as possible. (That most likely means a lot of TMI moments...).  At the same time I am going to do my best to maintain my nerdy self by playing the occasional video game.  

Hey! If I'm lucky I'll get 20 minutes of Fire Emblem in tonight between feedings and wiping my child's bum...

So hopefully amid hair pulls I can provide what little audience I may have with an insight into my life.

Onward!