I Am Not Broken

So, I seriously debated posting any type of update to my current status just because I didn't know if it really mattered. Most of it is because I am not here to get any "woe is me" type of responses. I don't want sympathy, because honestly, no matter what I have experienced or I am going through, it isn't anybody else's burden.

What I will say is that, there will come a time, when I won't be silent anymore. I won't be afraid of the implications surrounding my honesty because no one goes through life experiencing darkness without being able to share it. Without sharing your experiences, you can't form honest relationships. The three closest friends I have are because I have been brutally honest with them for the past few weeks. I legitimately was afraid of losing them too because that is what I'm used to. A quote from a book I am reading by Nancy Venable Raine explains this perfectly,

"Still, people’s resistance to hearing about the aftermath...—the new patterns of thought and feeling that turned, year after year, like the bright shards of glass in a kaleidoscope—pained me. It seemed to me that even close friends either withdrew or judged me." 

 

Throughout my life, I have made many mistakes in an attempt to block out any of that darkness just to get through to the next day. I buried it for so long, I couldn't imagine it would ever escape from its pit. 

I was wrong.

And now I am here, trying to keep telling myself that "I am not broken," because honestly, at this point, it is how I feel.

I know I am not alone and that somehow comforts me.

This is the first time that I am really battling these demons head on and it is rather painful and difficult. I wish I could be more detailed, but until I start healing and I am able to form a cohesive story, I can not divulge anything.

There is still a desire to run as it helps immensely (well at least for an hour or so until the endorphins wear off). I am still losing weight, 14.5 lbs, and also not using food as a coping mechanism despite the ease of that path.

"It is the darkness that makes the light visible, and not the other way around" Nancy Venable Raine.