Only place to go is up!

If you would have asked me about a week ago what my plans were for life, I would not have been able to tell you. I was so beat down that I thought I would never be able to get up.

Sometimes when you get to this point you do pretty reckless things and that I did.

Turns out that bottling things up and hiding who you really are for so long can really do some amazing things to your mind.

I am so blessed to have close friends who have not given up on me and have never batted an eye at anything I have done or said. The same goes for my husband who could not be more supportive of me.

I have yet to really face my issues head on, but I know I am plenty of steps closer this week than I was last week. It took me hitting rock bottom to get to that point, but I now know I'm going to be okay.

This past weekend I burnt a crap-ton of calories in an effort to sweat out the toxic emotions I was feeling, which turned into me gorging on plenty of beers and a ridiculously large burger that probably had a calorie count that rivaled what I burnt with my 10k last Thursday. I didn't care though, because I needed to eat something without feeling guilty and it was epic.

I had a slumber party with the baby, my dad, and stepmother at their place in my hometown Rockford, and that was therapeutic on so many levels.

I got to spend time with two of my closest friends which always is a blessing even if it was only for like an hour with one of them. :-D

I have realized in the past few days there is no sense in being afraid anymore.

I can't wait to figure everything out because I'm ready to be who I want to be.

I Am Not Broken

So, I seriously debated posting any type of update to my current status just because I didn't know if it really mattered. Most of it is because I am not here to get any "woe is me" type of responses. I don't want sympathy, because honestly, no matter what I have experienced or I am going through, it isn't anybody else's burden.

What I will say is that, there will come a time, when I won't be silent anymore. I won't be afraid of the implications surrounding my honesty because no one goes through life experiencing darkness without being able to share it. Without sharing your experiences, you can't form honest relationships. The three closest friends I have are because I have been brutally honest with them for the past few weeks. I legitimately was afraid of losing them too because that is what I'm used to. A quote from a book I am reading by Nancy Venable Raine explains this perfectly,

"Still, people’s resistance to hearing about the aftermath...—the new patterns of thought and feeling that turned, year after year, like the bright shards of glass in a kaleidoscope—pained me. It seemed to me that even close friends either withdrew or judged me." 

 

Throughout my life, I have made many mistakes in an attempt to block out any of that darkness just to get through to the next day. I buried it for so long, I couldn't imagine it would ever escape from its pit. 

I was wrong.

And now I am here, trying to keep telling myself that "I am not broken," because honestly, at this point, it is how I feel.

I know I am not alone and that somehow comforts me.

This is the first time that I am really battling these demons head on and it is rather painful and difficult. I wish I could be more detailed, but until I start healing and I am able to form a cohesive story, I can not divulge anything.

There is still a desire to run as it helps immensely (well at least for an hour or so until the endorphins wear off). I am still losing weight, 14.5 lbs, and also not using food as a coping mechanism despite the ease of that path.

"It is the darkness that makes the light visible, and not the other way around" Nancy Venable Raine.

A Change of Pace, but Not Going Anywhere.

Hey readers. I am forever grateful for your continued support throughout my current journey. Right now, regardless of my devotion to running, which will never go away, I might be having to take a break from the motivational posts.

Unfortunately, there are too many crippling emotional and mental factors that have taken play in my personal life. To be quite frank they have been present for a few weeks, but I have been unable to shake them completely from my new aura.

Don't get me wrong, I am not giving up on my physical journey. I have been running nearly every day and staying on top of these goals because it is something that keeps my head focused and clear.

My initial desire in creating this blog was to be completely open about everything because I believed in helping people. That desire was shot down due to people not being able to accept the fact that my decisions are indeed mine. In an effort not to bring light to the situation and more or less put the spotlight on certain people in my life, my creativity was snuffed out.

I have to decide in the next few weeks whether I will continue to let that hinder my ability to heal and become the person I would like to be, which is strong and able to help those around me. Or if I am going to continue to hide behind a cloak of fear.

Clearly I'd prefer to not hide.

I hope that you all will be patient with me and I won't keep you hanging. I will update you on anything I can and I will post any progress on my physical journey.

The reality is that I don't feel comfortable preaching strength and tenacity when I am probably weaker than most right now.

Thank you all again for your support.

Different Plan, Same Journey.

So it has been about two months since I came back to my blog with a new outlook on life. So far, my desire to transform has paid off. Progress report with recent achievements is as follows:

1. I have lost 12 pounds in a little over 2 months (Slow and steady does win the race!)
2. I have lost 5 inches on my waist and hips. I have no idea about the other parts of my body but I know my face is a lot skinner and so are my legs.
3. I have run numerous 5ks and my first 10k yesterday. WOOP!
4. I have not purchased any candy to consume since Nov 5th. (That for me folks is huge)
5. A non-fitness achievement: I have found a new friend I can trust and relate to. Which is awesome.

In the past couple of months, there have been plenty of bumps in the road and I have had to adjust accordingly. The original Rugged Regimen that I was following was super awesome because it was focused on running and strength training but I ran into a snafu when I injured my ankle. Also, I came to a point in the program where I needed certain equipment to complete the regimen and unfortunately there was not an appropriate at home alternative for these exercises. 

I obviously decided to continue to run, with an everlasting goal to increase my distance and quicken my pace. On my non-running days I use the Nike Training app which is actually aimed towards women. It is a great app and even lets you focus on certain areas of the body if you would like. I have one rest day a week. 

I have recently altered my diet to include more carbs. This doesn't mean I can eat sweet stuff. It just means I need more complex carbs in my diet because I have decided to be a distance runner. I still intake quite a bit of protein, but when I realized I was stalling, a friend of mine who is a personal trainer said "Up the carbs!!" Immediately after that, I was back on track.

During the past two months I uncovered the rawness beneath the thick skin I have enveloped myself in over the years. It made me realize that you just can't bury things until they go away, because they never do. The important thing is how you choose to deal with them when they come back. Running and a new friendship has helped me re-establish my footing and I am grateful for that.

So despite many alterations in my original plan, I am still on the same journey I set out on two months ago. Now, I just have a little bit more realism tossed into the mix.  

For any new moms, or frankly anyone, who has started on their own journey, keep at it! I know it is difficult, but I promise the reward is worth the challenge. Remember, happiness is the true goal. You need to be happy with yourself before you can be healthy.

Thanks to all those who actually read my blog, because that means I'm at least reaching one person with my words.

It's a new day. It's a new dawn. It's a new life...

With every new year that arrives, along come the conventional resolutions surrounding goals of weight loss, becoming more organized, saving more money, or a my new personal favorite, adapting the YOLO lifestyle.

I think it is awesome to have a goal in mind, albeit surrounding the pressure to follow tradition, but how many of us actually follow through with our resolutions? Statistically speaking, only about 8% of people achieve their resolution. http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

It isn't surprising, honestly, because we are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break. That doesn't mean it can't be done though. For me, resolutions shouldn't be just because you feel obligated to do so. It should be because you WANT to become a better person.

After I had Lincoln, I kept saying "I NEED to exercise. I NEED to eat healthier, because I'd LIKE to lose weight" but that didn't do me any good because deep down I didn't give two licks about taking care of myself. I just wanted to sit on the couch, shoveling any type of refined sugar into my gaping mouth, and watch Netflix. 

When I finally realized that I was destroying my body the "NEED" turned into "WANT" and the "LIKE" turned into "WILL." I transformed my bad habits into good ones. Now I can barely go a day without running.

So as I enter this new year, I have given myself resolutions but instead of my goals beginning with "I'd LIKE to...." they begin with "I WILL..."

So...

I WILL continue my health journey without falter.

I WILL challenge myself each week with not only my running, but also my strength workouts.

I WILL run in a sponsored 5k.

I WILL NOT feel guilty.

These are just my fitness based goals. I have many more that surround my general emotional and mental status, but those are a tad personal.

Remember, resolutions are much easier to accomplish when you have someone to hold you accountable. Pick someone you trust and check in with each other on a regular basis.

Good luck to all of you on your new journeys!