The Storm Rages On (Some Sensitive Material)

Every time there is a storm materializing outside, there appears to be an excitement amongst my Facebook friends and even my own husband. I am aware that thunderstorms, especially large ones, induce an adrenaline rush in thrill seekers and that is understandable. For me however, they bring on an enormous sense of fear, and can paralyze my ability to function.

I have been searching for a reason as to why I react in such a manner, as I haven't always been deathly afraid of thunderstorms. Tonight, as I indulged in my evening festivities of relaxation and Netflix, a moment of clarity struck alongside my typical panic. I knew I had to journal about it, because what good would it do if I just sat in the muck of terror that overtook my senses?

"I am laying once again on the floor...and HE is there too...The rain is coming down hard and the lightning flashes white over his greedy face... 

I am getting kissed, licked, groped, and the storm rages on outside while my fear becomes apparent. It is within the sudden bursts of light that I see the evil in HIS eyes. There is no remorse...just a desire to sop up my humanity...my innocence. 

I am left with fear and rage, because now...tonight...while the crashes of thunder and rain may bring awe to others, I am weak and ready to welcome non-existence."

Meeting this realization, I knew I had to blog about it immediately. Not only because a new memory was forming, and one of my triggers was justified, but also because I wanted to show how a peaceful moment can morph into sudden anger and sadness.

There are days where I am able to withstand the constant emotional shifts, and push away thoughts of self-harm/suicide. Then there are times like these, when it is so sudden, I feel lost. I haven't accommodated these desires, but they are evident on days that I am like a teeter totter. In order to suppress them, depending on the emotion, I either shove my hand in an ice box or write. Tonight I chose to write, and I'm glad I did.

EDITED:
This week I start Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which I have mentioned before. I had also mentioned that I am suffering from something much more than PTSD, but wasn't ready to reveal that quite yet. Considering my goal was to be open in order to help others and also erase the stigma associated with Rape/Sexual Abuse and the mental illness that may result from it, I can't hide any longer.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It is best described as emotional dysregulation. I have mentioned how something small can set me off. Somedays I can experience pure joy along with complete sadness and rage all within an hour. Depending on the emotion, typically shame from my past, I spiral into a cycle of self-harm to deal with negativity. DBT will teach me skills to help manage my emotions better and start living a life worth living. The most important portion of DBT is to lower my thoughts of self-harm and suicide, which is something I am currently working on.

I hope that I can be an example to those who may also suffer from personality disorders, that it doesn't have to represent who you are as a person. I may have a mental illness and be a survivor of rape/sexual abuse but neither of those define me as a person. They just play an integral part of who I am still becoming.