How Opening Pandora's Box Saved My Life

Since April, I have had multiple victims of rape and sexual abuse message me and come forward with their own stories.  One of them asked if I could discuss the hyper-sexuality that some victims experience. While I explored how my sex life was impacted, there wasn't a definite reason as to why this may happen with other victims.

The truth is, every person processes trauma a different way. It would make the most sense if a rape victim became celibate. In order to avoid any flashbacks during a sexual encounter, it is best just to ignore sex all together. The theory here is, "If I push sex away, I am pushing the rape away." It makes sense, and I am no stranger to this type of behavior. For a while after seeing my abuser's face, I was incapable of having sex with my husband.

Hyper-sexuality is the polar opposite of celibacy. Sex becomes an addiction, and typically relationships are unstable while hyper-sexual. Sometimes this includes a change in or alteration in sexual identity. Nothing is ever enough for those with hyper-sexuality. At times it can be extremely destructive, but mostly exhausting for the partners of those who are afflicted.

Whichever side of the spectrum a victim may been drawn to, there is one thing in common: CONTROL. By choosing celibacy or by being hyper-sexual the victim is in control, which she wasn't while being assaulted. The celibate one says, "I am not having sex! It is my choice not to!" because it wasn't her choice in the assault. The hyper-sexual one says, "I'm going to have sex with whoever whenever however I want. It's my choice to!" because it wasn't her choice in the assault. Interestingly enough, hyper-sexual victims will shut down if they get denied control on how the sexual encounters occur.

Neither of these options are prime candidates for healing though; they are simply coping mechanisms. They result in temporary relief of what is inevitable, which is processing the trauma and discovering the survivor underneath the victim.

So many victims are afraid to dig into their wounds and clean them of all the disease that has disabled them from becoming who they really are. But as Tori Amos once said,

"Some people are afraid to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin."

It is so true. Opening Pandora's Box is a scary thing. I am still early on in digging through the rubble to find the real Dana. Confronting my horror, the reality of my BPD, the ever unfolding details of my years of abuse, while painful and evil, is the only reason I am still alive. I am angry, sad, ashamed, and frightened, but I also know that I am a phoenix, a survivor, risen from the ashes of a victim.

I have a constant reminder of this on my arm as a tattoo:

(EDIT 6/30/14: My friends Matt and Valerie Nelson are looking to start their own tattoo shop. They need a little bit of help. Seeing as how Matt is the one who designed and did my tattoo below, I think he deserves all the help he can get. Without this tattoo, I wouldn't have the constant reminder to remain courageous. To donate to the fund to start their shop, please click here.)

My sexual assault awareness ribbon tattoo was designed in accordance with the phoenix down and why the words flow into the feather. This is to represent that only after silence was I capable of being reborn out of the ashes of my former self, and arise a stronger, and wiser, woman. It also keeps me inline with my advocacy, which means I will NEVER give up on fighting against sexual violence.

Just remember, if you too are a victim, you aren't alone.  If you want to talk about it, feel free to contact me. I have resources available to you. If you are even scared to do that, RAINN has a confidential online hotline. Go to online.rainn.org if you want to chat.