Still Strong

Two days before Christmas and the usual giddiness that surrounds this time of year has finally started to settle in. It has taken longer for me this year to wrangle up the holiday cheer, which is surprising considering this is Link's first Christmas.

Part of it might have to do with my husband's demanding work schedule getting in the way of really enjoying any traditions leading up to the 25th. Or possibly the continuing winter weather advisories that  West Michigan received, while no surprise, put a damper on life. Most of it, however, is attributed to the personal battles I have been facing in the past week. 

Like I stated in my previous post, I have to rebuild my emotional wall, and thus far it hasn't been easy. This process has enabled me to push myself in the physical aspect and because of that, I have consistently been able to run multiple 5ks, which I honestly did not think I could do at this point. However, within an hour of me completing a run, I slid back into a funk.

I felt like a hypocrite because I have been talking about strength and pushing through boundaries and although I have physically been able to do that, my emotional stability has been less than solid. 

It wasn't until I spoke to a friend who I have recently connected with that I realized, I'm not weak, just normal. Part of life is dealing with unexpected "flaring"of a past you would rather long forget. I came to the conclusion that I may have a bad couple of weeks, which is okay because I am truly still strong. I will eventually shatter that wall once again and continue on with my journey.

I am grateful for this friend, because although she may not realize her impact, she put things in perspective for me. 

I can finally enjoy what is left of Christmas and I can't wait to get back out on the road, figuratively and literally.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone! 

Unexpected Unravelment

Anyone who embarks on a journey of transformation is aware that it is not upon a straightforward path. Usually it starts with an incline, until you get in the swing of things then occasionally there are bumps, twists, dips, and turns. I was not afraid to face the adversities along the way of my adventure, but last week I was sucker-punched back to the starting line.

I wish that it was as simple as a physical set-back, but unfortunately it was my emotional wall of strength that I have built up for a lifetime that crumbled.

For me, running and strength training aren't accomplished by my physical capabilities, but my emotional prowess.  I am a headstrong person so I don't give up easily because I am able to put concerns aside to attain success.

Yet, I was caught off guard, and got the wind knocked out of me. I apologize for my vagueness in this particular situation, but it isn't something I could openly discuss, just know that it was enough for me to question myself. At the point I started to unravel, my person (Grey's Anatomy junkies will get this) was not available. Not to mention my husband was at work and my son was not being cooperative in his nap taking.

So I ran, because, well that is all I could do. When that didn't help, I was even more frustrated. It wasn't until I was on my way to work and my person called me back that I mildly chilled out. This person, has always been pretty blunt with me. She gave me the facts, "I'm sorry, but this isn't the only time this will happen in your life. This is just the first time...among many. I don't think one could ever get past it."I grumbled at the sound of the news she had just delivered, but I knew she was right.

That night I went out with a work friend, let loose, then went home to a husband who was ready for my breakdown. He helped remind me the importance of life and the blessings that we have and immediately my anger dissolved into acceptance.

Yes, I have to recharge my defenses, but I know I have plenty of help to do that. I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life to aid me in this process.

I am now more determined to become an even stronger person than I was. It might take me a while and I might be afraid, but I am eager.

I run because...

This morning I woke up to a snow covered drive way and street and although as a Michigander this doesn't surprise me, I was rather discouraged. My intention had been to go on a short run, but since I haven't invested in a pair of Yaktrax, that idea vanished with one fell swoop. So instead I have chosen to rest and to anyone else that might seem like a smashing plan, but inside I am dying.

No, I don't have a treadmill, and yes, I could do other indoor activities to raise my heart rate; however, nothing is quite the same as running. 

To many, running is a drug, and I completely understand that now. It is a combination of the adrenaline rush, endorphins, but mostly empowerment generated from the ability to turn negative energy into a positive outlook just from 25 minutes of pushing yourself.

Anyone who comes in contact with me on a regular basis is aware of how high-strung I can be.  Sadly, it is just in my nature. The littlest things can stress me out and it is mostly because I immediately see the negative in any situation. My husband calls me a cynic, I prefer the word "realist." 

My past, while filled with amazing memories, is also spotted with darkness caused by some pretty heavy events, so I am actually pretty tough-skinned. It has made me strong-willed and I generally don't falter in confrontation. On the other hand, it enables me to detect adversity instantly. I sometimes just can't give a situation the benefit of the doubt because of what I experienced. Unfortunately, it is my fatal flaw.

Running helps suppress it. 

I finally found something that reminds me of how amazing life really is. The fact that I have been blessed with the ability to run even when statistically I shouldn't be able to, is a constant reminder of how strong I really am.  

This whole journey I have embarked on is more than just about losing weight. Or even about being healthy. It is about embracing the life I was blessed with no matter what hardships I have faced. I did not want to have that "Why bother" mentality anymore, because it wasn't the person I had aimed myself to be. 

Running resets my brain. It reminds me that we are tested constantly in the walk of life and if I have been given the capability to push myself through a physical barrier, there is no reason I can't conquer any emotional situation just the same.

Pushing Through Judgement

So....I made it through Thanksgiving!

Progress update:

• I've lost a total of about 6 lbs
• I've lost a total of 4 inches off my waist and hips.

I'm not gonna lie, these past couple weeks have been a doozy. Because I had not yet invested in a proper pair of running shoes, I managed to injure my ankle. Not seriously, yet enough to hinder my performance during my workout sessions. I decided it was time to get fitted for the right shoe.

I followed the advice of some friends and family and visited a local run/walk shoe shop. They are known for taking the time to fit people in the correct shoes by watching you walk and accurately measuring your foot length, arch height, etc. I brought Link with me, which I assumed wouldn't be an issue.

When I walked in, I was greeted promptly, and asked what I was in for. I explained that I was getting back into running and needed a fitting. The young girl working just said "okay," without a smile and directed me to the chairs. She measured my foot and watched me walk then disappeared into the back room to grab multiple brands of shoes for me to try on. 

The whole time I was trying on shoes, to me, it seemed like she really wasn't making an effort. It was almost as if she couldn't believe that this overweight mom was running and/or she was perturbed by Link being in the store with me. Almost EVERY store that I am in, when I am talking to a sales associate, they are usually fawning over his overwhelmingly adorable cheeks and making baby noises. This girl acted as if he didn't exist. When I had to calm him down a couple times, she kinda made this face as if she had just thrown up in her mouth and was trying to choke it back down.

Don't get me wrong, she did ultimately help me find the right shoe, but it wasn't until after I had left the store and gone home to think about it. I appreciate a non-pushy sales experience, but she wasn't even trying. Because it was so awkward, I initially chose a pair of Saucony's that felt pretty comfortable, but not as "cushy" as a pair of Nike's that I had tried on previously. The only reason I chose the Saucony's were because they were slightly cheaper. The girl said she would put them on hold for a couple days, even after I told her I probably would buy a pair that day if my husband said it was okay. She just kept saying, "Eh, I'll just put them on hold." I was like "Mmm...okay?"

So needless to say, I felt extremely uncomfortable, and strolled out the door without the usual retail "have a nice day" following me.  I called my husband and told him about the whole experience and asked him what I should do. He asked me, "Well, forget about the girl, which shoe felt the best?" I said "The Nike's." He said, "Then buy the freakin' Nike's. I don't care if they are a little bit more expensive." SOLD!

Honestly, all that sales associate had to do was make me feel comfortable with my own decision. She made me doubt every choice I made by having a quizzical look on her face as a reaction every time I asked for her opinion. So I ended up looking online for the Nike's, found them on sale, and now they will be on my doorstep this afternoon. The local store could have had my sale, but they lost it simply by not being more interested in my particular situation.

I don't want to point fingers and say that I was necessarily judged for being a certain size or being a mom, but it sure felt like it.  Coincidentally, if my mom, who is extremely fit, yet far from a runner (no offense Mom), had gone in to this store, there probably would have been less of an obligation and more of a desire to help. 

Regardless of how I felt when I left that store, I didn't let it affect my desire to continue my lifestyle. I kind of have this John Locke mentality when it comes to fitness:

"Don't tell me what I can't do."

Everywhere I read tells me I shouldn't be able to do what I am doing, but they are wrong. If you are willing to push yourself, do it! Just be smart about it! Wear a heart-rate monitor, and stretch. Ice if you have to and always warm up!

Here is to all of us kicking down those mental walls and pushing our physical boundaries!