It isn't the type of pressure that makes me want to bawl uncontrollably, although tears are fighting their way out. I'm not falling apart. I'm coming together.
Yesterday I had the largest sense of clarity during my exposure session.
As someone who is knowledgeable about the neurobiology of trauma, especially childhood trauma, one would think I would have been able to give myself a break. There is something that happens in a child's brain when they are victimized that changes how that chemistry works for the rest of their life. Additionally, certain brains may be wired already to the point where the effect of trauma is more potent.
I could tell all of these things to myself, and spit them out to other survivors over and over. These are the facts...I know them to be true therefore I should clearly be able to apply them to my own understanding.
It is so much harder trying to convince yourself, as a survivor, that what you experienced in those moments was normal.
Normal...I kind of despise that word. There really isn't a normal...
I prayed for 18 years to be "normal," not entirely knowing what that meant. I just knew I didn't understand why I was the way I was. This isn't just about being a survivor of childhood trauma, or having BPD, it is more than that.
Simply put, we are born with an intricate design inside our heads. Sometimes they make things more difficult and confusing. However, everything was God's design...EVERYTHING. I don't really see my BPD or anything else that is outside the realm of "average" a struggle. I honestly feel blessed by every quirk.
There is something that Greg said to me the other day when I told him it wasn't "worth" stepping forward, and out of my shell. His response was simply:
"Don't question. Just live. It's worth it."
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