I'm Not Struggling: I'm Battling

These past couple weeks, I have been met with some interesting challenges. Up until a week ago, I had a solid grasp on my life and felt as though I was settling into a comfortable pace. I knew what I believed in, knew what my goals were. I had a general understanding of who I was. I still like to think that I am aware of the person I was created to be.

I have an earthly partner who reminds me of the precious time we have in life. I have said how he tells me not to question the confusion I face on a daily basis. The so called, "But why?" 

I don't need to ask why anymore.

However, I am pondering some decisions in my life. Not necessarily ones that may seem cosmic in comparison to other people's life choices; however, to me they hold meaning.

There is a huge part of me that is vulnerable when it comes to what has happened to me, mostly because I want people to know that trauma happens. Horrible trauma. Awareness is my number one goal when it comes to sharing my story. Anything that will in turn help others. Because of this vulnerability, it is no surprise that I have no fear in being open when it feels right.

What happens with me though is that people confuse my vulnerability, or my willingness to share the bad days with my mental illness, with an internal struggle. I may always be battling, but I am not struggling. This creates an unneeded burden on those who pry for details on my progress. I tend to not share with people unless they know my situation and ask.

The point is, I have realized that I need to create boundaries. Healthy boundaries that establish security for me, because any sense of abandonment or betrayal just throws me off the grid of stability.  This may sound cold, but it is just kind of what I need to do. I have mentioned before in way earlier posts that I have a close support system that consists of those who stand by me 100% of the time. No judgements. No "but....yada yada yada." Just there.

Without these people, right now I'd be fighting myself left and right. I struggle so often trying to make the perfect choice, but it doesn't have to be that way. Frankly, whatever decision I make, someone in this world probably isn't going to agree. That is called individuality. 

 Please don't confuse what you see as pain a struggle. It honestly is me just kicking ass. I am 100% okay with having to battle my brain every day. I am also 100% okay with who I am.