Don't Question. Just Live. It's Worth It.

I have been sitting, staring at my screen for a good twenty minutes attempting to dissect the ball of complexity in my chest right now. I have reached an important milestone in my journey of healing. There are literally so many emotions compressed together into a brick pressing on my heart.

It isn't the type of pressure that makes me want to bawl uncontrollably, although tears are fighting their way out. I'm not falling apart. I'm coming together.

Yesterday I had the largest sense of clarity during my exposure session. 

As someone who is knowledgeable about the neurobiology of trauma, especially childhood trauma, one would think I would have been able to give myself a break. There is something that happens in a child's brain when they are victimized that changes how that chemistry works for the rest of their life. Additionally, certain brains may be wired already to the point where the effect of trauma is more potent.

I could tell all of these things to myself, and spit them out to other survivors over and over. These are the facts...I know them to be true therefore I should clearly be able to apply them to my own understanding.

It is so much harder trying to convince yourself, as a survivor, that what you experienced in those moments was normal. 

Normal...I kind of despise that word. There really isn't a normal...

I prayed for 18 years to be "normal," not entirely knowing what that meant. I just knew I didn't understand why I was the way I was. This isn't just about being a survivor of childhood trauma, or having BPD, it is more than that. 

Simply put, we are born with an intricate design inside our heads. Sometimes they make things more difficult and confusing. However, everything was God's design...EVERYTHING. I don't really see my BPD or anything else that is outside the realm of "average" a struggle. I honestly feel blessed by every quirk. 

There is something that Greg said to me the other day when I told him it wasn't "worth" stepping forward, and out of my shell. His response was simply:

"Don't question. Just live. It's worth it."

Rock Bottom: A Year Later

I apologize for being absent from the blogging world for a couple of weeks. I had to take some time to process a few things before I could write effectively. Sometimes, things happen that warp your sense of trust in the social world, and it takes a couple of laps around the rational pool to recognize that there is so much more than focusing on temporary pain.

Alas, I have returned to the fun-loving Dana that everyone adores! I have my guard up, and my trust circle and that is okay with me.

The other reason I haven't blogged is because the past few weeks have been absent of DBT and for the most part my individual sessions. It has been rather stagnant in life realizations other than the major one I came across a couple weeks ago. My social life was also pretty much gone until this week.

Something else about this week, besides getting back into the swing of things, is that it marks the one-year anniversary of when I hit rock-bottom. It is a big milestone for me to have come this far and I am so thankful for the amount of support I have gathered since then. I formed a great alliance among close friends and family.

On top of that, I recently have been blessed with even more support from a community that is near to my heart, simply because they stand with me on all the changes that I hope one day can and will happen throughout this country and world.

I used to struggle so much because I grew up with this black and white mentality, as I have mentioned before. When you start to realize, not everything is black and white....it starts to make things clearer. You stop asking why and just start living. That is what I have been doing.  I am aware that I may not be on everyone's side, because that is frankly impossible.

Trying to please everyone in your life is just not feasible. When you start to look inside yourself for what YOUR views are, and align yourself with the people who agree, it is loads easier than trying to conform to something you don't feel right about.

There will not be a day that I don't thank God for being blessed with a man, my best friend, who stands by me no matter who I am. His constant support and reminder to me that one can only live in the present, to worry about tomorrow is pointless, helps ground me constantly. When I start concerning myself with how I'm going to face certain situations I deep down know will be dreadful, he reminds me that for the few people I may lose in my life, I have a multitude more who are there on the sidelines waiting to hold my hand.

One year later...and I now know I am me.

" Loving every soul: beautiful, imaginative, and noble."

The Most Important Lesson I Learned in 2014

So, I was quite the giddy adult going into the days before Christmas, and I woke up Christmas Eve morning with a hop in my step and a warmth in my heart that I was sure could never be diminished. By the time December 30th rolled around, I was positive that I had been tested in some shape or form on my ability to manage a multitude of triggering events.

The first minor setback in enjoying the holiday season was the very fact that toddlers are unaware of what day it is, let alone when they will be cutting a very intense molar. My poor handsome baby boy had a miserable Christmas, and that poured right onto mommy. He wouldn't eat or nap because he was in so much pain, which then led an emotional Dana because I had no idea how to fix the problem at hand.

On top of that, my niece was very sick with Croup, which made for a difficult holiday for my brother and sister-in-law. My eldest brother got the Flu and it appears more of my family members are ill. Being sick is rather frustrating, but when you are supposed to be enjoying your vacation, and you are coughing and vomiting instead, it's like a slap in the face.

While these unfortunate events toned down the joy that I was trying to hold on to this year, it was no comparison to the ultimate test that hit me a couple days ago.

I recently have written about becoming more vulnerable and allowing myself to feel positive emotions and start opening myself up to others. This is something that is fairly new to me because early on I trained myself to "go in my shell," so to speak, before there was even a chance that I would get hurt. It has been very empowering to let my guard down and get closer to powerful emotions. Whether it be through Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or perhaps opening my heart to someone, it has been quite the journey.

A couple days ago I was blind-sided by a sudden detachment from somebody I care about and had been vulnerable with. I shouldn't ever expect a positive result from vulnerability, or "daring greatly" as Brene Brown would call it, but I also don't expect to be "left out in the cold." Abandonment to me is the most intense trigger of emotional turmoil. Unless you have similar issues, you might not understand.

I'd prefer not to go into detail, because it really isn't important to the post I am writing other than the fact that I learned a powerful lesson through this. Being vulnerable is a complicated and empowering, but mostly incredible painful process. This week I cried the hardest I have in a while, and while some people may have been uncomfortable with my 12 hours of anger and dismay, had I not let myself sit in those tears, I may be worse off now.

Don't be afraid to let the tears flow. We are human and emotions are there to tell us something important. I was hurt, deeply, and I may not be able to bounce back completely from that, but at least I know I bounced back.