A Letter to My Rapist: One Year Later (Some Sensitive Material)

If you have read any of my posts from April, then you might be familiar with my post titled A Letter to My Rapist: The Reality of a Victim's Rage. The original letter was composed the day I came across my abuser on Facebook, which I never thought I'd have to see his face again, so even though it may not seem as a shock to most, it was a brick thrown at my very soul.

Tomorrow (December 13) is the one-year anniversary of when I saw him, so I decided to write him another letter, just to show how much more empowered I have become. I don't say that to boast, because it isn't something that comes easily, yet it is something that every survivor can and hopefully will achieve in their healing process.

Below is what I had to say:

It has been a year since I saw your face and the earth beneath me shattered. 18 years of bottling up what you did to me became pointless as details pushed into the forefront of my mind. 

I tried so hard to drown your voice...the words constantly reminding me of my worthlessness and endless desire to prove love through sex. You won...but only for a moment. 

Unfortunately for you, I happen to be blessed with people in my life who stepped in before it was too late. I decided almost a year ago it was time to stop letting you dictate my worth and ability to feel love. 

After months of working my ass off in therapy, I finally stopped validating your control. Now, some of those darkest memories are loosening their grip on my persona. 

I am finally me...the person God intended me to be from the day I entered this world: The empowered woman he knew I'd become from the first time you laid on top of me. 

Now, I know what it's like to love without needing to prove it. Can you believe, up until recently, I had no idea how love was SUPPOSED to feel? 

To think, it was you who did that to me...you had that much of a hold on me! 

I never knew the rush of warmth through your chest, legs, toes, cheeks, and eyes when you feel loved. The overwhelming tears of happiness when someone cares for you as much as you care for them. I had no idea what that was because I always jumped straight to sex. 

I am finally experiencing emotions in the way they were meant to be experienced...and with that...I think i can say I am free from you. 

I will never forget, and never stop fighting for those who have been violated like I was, but I'm done giving you any bit of power. 

I hope one day you will look back and realize that you created an empowering survivor, not a victim. 

Tomorrow is the actual one-year date from when I started falling apart from seeing you. I thought I would be a wreck this weekend, and wallow in my past misery. Instead, I choose to spent it with people who make me feel loved. I get to hangout with someone who makes me smile, and has proven to me that all emotions are beautiful...that I can love and be loved...that I am beautiful despite your invalidation. These are the type of people I have in my life now. These are the people that matter. 

I hope those of you who have been with me from the beginning see how important self-care really is through my healing process. If you know anyone who is struggling, be sure to push them in the right direction, because they need you. If you have any questions feel free to inbox me on my Facebook page here.