April was an excruciating month for me emotionally, but it was also rewarding. I had something to work towards every day with a new blog post, therefore no reason to give up on life. The month-long distraction kept me fighting with every exposure presented. Then, as May 1st arrived, I hit a wall.
I had no warning that I was going to relapse, just a series of vulnerabilities that led to my impulsive nature towards danger. Lack of sleep is probably one of my biggest hindrances, and unfortunately being a stay-at-home mom, I encounter it on a daily basis. Now that my son is down to maybe one good nap a day, if I'm lucky, alone time is minimal. I'm not complaining by any means, just stating facts.
For someone like me, sleep is crucial, yet unattainable. My husband is able to rest his head on his pillow and fall asleep within seconds. For me, it is not as simple. I can't shut off my brain, so when I rest my head on my pillow, I am met with anxiety-filled rushing thoughts which typically transform into nightmares. So even when I do sleep, it is incomplete.
Therefore, my weekend full of all-nighters to complete my study for school was a huge mistake. The days following the weekend I was stuck in a pit without a chance of escaping. I ended up disassociating one morning when over come with fear and anger only to realize I had broken apart my razor to access the blades in order to cut my thigh repeatedly.
As the blood started to pool around me in the shower, I feared for my sanity. The other times I had cut, the emotions surrounding it had built up slowly, enabling me to focus in skills to pull me away from doing it. That morning I had no knowledge of my actions, I was so far from reality I lost control of my emotions.
This was the moment I confirmed my diagnosis, and committed to going forward with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It doesn't matter how many good days I have, or if I have legitimate reasons to survive; all it takes is one vulnerability mixed with my emotional dysregulation that can lead to self-harm and suicidal tendencies.
At this point, everything I do is a mere distraction from the flashbacks and overwhelming emotions that follow them. Until I am safe from myself, exposure therapy will be moot. It scares me that I can get to a point where all rationality disappears from my thought process. People surrounding me, who do not understand my disorder, offer advice that is in love, yet unhelpful. When I am at my breaking point, I am not thinking at all; there is no reasoning power, just impulsiveness. That is why my husband has had to hide all the knives, razors, and pills from me.
I love my son, husband, family, and friends. I don't want to be gone from this life. I am tired of not being in control and long with all my heart that "being better" simply consisted of making a a conscience decision NOT to be this way; however, it is not a choice. I am not using it as an excuse, or defining myself by saying, "well I have blank disorder, so ya know, it is pointless." Yet, I am offering the frightening truth behind my reality.
As I continue through this journey, I promise to enlighten my readers on what is going on, because it is important to me that those who suffer not only with PTSD, but also with similar disorders such as mine, can see that they aren't alone. Being an advocate for victims of sexual assault is the one thing that gives me a sense of stability outside of my home-life, and I plan on continuing that as well as advocating for those with mental/mood disorders.
I wish I could offer more insight on what disorder I have, but at this time I must remain vague on my diagnosis, just because it is still being assessed. I start DBT in about 5 weeks or so, and until then, I am going to be focusing on removing vulnerabilities. This includes continuing sobriety and getting as much as sleep as possible.
Also, it means exercise, and that is why I have restarted the Rugged Regimen. Running alone will not help me maximize the calorie-burning which releases much needed endorphins. By the time I complete the program I should be starting DBT and will be able to balance my running with therapy to start living a life worth living.
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