I Run For Maya

Those of you who are Facebook friends with me, are aware that on Wednesday, May 28th (2014), I was constantly posting about my biggest inspiration, Dr. Maya Angelou. I read I know Why the Caged Bird Sings, for the first time in high school, and was incredibly moved by it. I honestly don't know anyone who has read that book, who wasn't moved. For me though, it struck a deep chord in my being, giving me a sense of courage that one day, I too would be able to share my story.

On April 12th, 2014, amidst my 30 days of blogging through Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I channeled Maya when I was unnerved at the thought of revealing one of the iconic events that play over in my mind. Reading some of her most powerful quotes helped recenter my thoughts and fight through my fear. I was able to finally break through that barrier and start really telling my story.

Even the next day, I wrote with her in mind with my post I Have a Song to Sing. 

When news of her death started spreading like wildfire and eventually hit my news feed, I was floored. I had been so focused on her work since April, it just made it harder for me to swallow. Six days before her passing, I went to the library to check out a couple of her books I hadn't read yet. My husband said yesterday, "Well good thing, because NOW everyone will probably be asking for them." True. 

Recent interviews, links to poems, and celebrities words of gratefulness towards Maya began flooding the web and television. I teared up with every clip, quote, and tweet. There is nothing Maya said, that wasn't profound. She was the ultimate warrior goddess and mother to all of those who let her. 

Tomorrow,  I will be running the Virtual 5k for RAINN, and they sent me a bib to fill out why I am running. I decided to dedicate my run to the life of Dr. Maya Angelou, because without her courage and wisdom, mine would not have flourished.

I shared my bib with RAINN on the day Maya passed, and to my surprise it was retweeted many times by various people. It just shows how influential her life was to all of those who at one point thought hope was impossible. 

Although it saddens me that Maya Angelou has passed, especially since I was in the process of writing a letter to her, I am happy that she was able to touch so many people with the horrific story of her childhood. She will forever be in my thoughts as I work towards publishing my memoir.

Dr. Maya Angelou, I am running for you because of all you have done for those who found hope through your honesty and love. Thank you.

A Life Worth Living

April was an excruciating month for me emotionally, but it was also rewarding. I had something to work towards every day with a new blog post, therefore no reason to give up on life. The month-long distraction kept me fighting with every exposure presented. Then, as May 1st arrived, I hit a wall.

I had no warning that I was going to relapse, just a series of vulnerabilities that led to my impulsive nature towards danger. Lack of sleep is probably one of my biggest hindrances, and unfortunately being a stay-at-home mom, I encounter it on a daily basis. Now that my son is down to maybe one good nap a day, if I'm lucky, alone time is minimal. I'm not complaining by any means, just stating facts.

For someone like me, sleep is crucial, yet unattainable. My husband is able to rest his head on his pillow and fall asleep within seconds. For me, it is not as simple. I can't shut off my brain, so when I rest my head on my pillow, I am met with anxiety-filled rushing thoughts which typically transform into nightmares. So even when I do sleep, it is incomplete. 

Therefore, my weekend full of all-nighters to complete my study for school was a huge mistake. The days following the weekend I was stuck in a pit without a chance of escaping. I ended up disassociating one morning when over come with fear and anger only to realize I had broken apart my razor to access the blades in order to cut my thigh repeatedly.

As the blood started to pool around me in the shower, I feared for my sanity. The other times I had cut, the emotions surrounding it had built up slowly, enabling me to focus in skills to pull me away from doing it. That morning I had no knowledge of my actions, I was so far from reality I lost control of my emotions.

This was the moment I confirmed my diagnosis, and committed to going forward with Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It doesn't matter how many good days I have, or if I have legitimate reasons to survive; all it takes is one vulnerability mixed with my emotional dysregulation that can lead to self-harm and suicidal tendencies.

At this point, everything I do is a mere distraction from the flashbacks and overwhelming emotions that follow them. Until I am safe from myself, exposure therapy will be moot. It scares me that I can get to a point where all rationality disappears from my thought process. People surrounding me, who do not understand my disorder, offer advice that is in love, yet unhelpful. When I am at my breaking point, I am not thinking at all; there is no reasoning power, just impulsiveness. That is why my husband has had to hide all the knives, razors, and pills from me.

I love my son, husband, family, and friends. I don't want to be gone from this life. I am tired of not being in control and long with all my heart that "being better" simply consisted of making a a conscience decision NOT to be this way; however, it is not a choice. I am not using it as an excuse, or defining myself by saying, "well I have blank disorder, so ya know, it is pointless." Yet, I am offering the frightening truth behind my reality.

As I continue through this journey, I promise to enlighten my readers on what is going on, because it is important to me that those who suffer not only with PTSD, but also with similar disorders such as mine, can see that they aren't alone. Being an advocate for victims of sexual assault is the one thing that gives me a sense of stability outside of my home-life, and I plan on continuing that as well as advocating for those with mental/mood disorders.

I wish I could offer more insight on what disorder I have, but at this time I must remain vague on my diagnosis, just because it is still being assessed. I start DBT in about 5 weeks or so, and until then, I am going to be focusing on removing vulnerabilities. This includes continuing sobriety and getting as much as sleep as possible.

Also, it means exercise, and that is why I have restarted the Rugged Regimen. Running alone will not help me maximize the calorie-burning which releases much needed endorphins. By the time I complete the program I should be starting DBT and will be able to balance my running with therapy to start living a life worth living.

Play at Local Theater Serves Powerful Message

Tonight, for the first time since I began my journey through healing and as an advocate, I was in the company of those who truly "get it." While I was at Lantern Coffee Bar and Lounge last week, I met a man, Walter "Mac" Davis, who had written a play about Rape and Rape Culture titled Every Six Minutes.

The show ran this week at Dog Story Theater, starting on Monday (5/5) through Friday (5/9). I knew it would be essential for me to witness this play because clearly my passion lies with the topic. My husband, one of the only two men attending, sat next to me while I held my breath, unsure of how I would react.

As I have stated in my April blogs, I typically boast my Warrior and Elder identities when it comes to being in public and relating to my victimization. I tend not to let my Victim show, while letting the tears flow freely.

Within ten minutes into the opening of the show, I could feel the lump forming in my throat. Slowly it rose to the back of my tongue, up past my nasal passages, and then melted into a caustic pool of tears that not even a deep breath could evaporate.

A block early on in the show reveals the harrowing statistics of rape and with every one that applied to my specific case all I kept thinking was That's me...That's me...That's me too... It took every nerve I had not to start sobbing uncontrollably. I read and write these statistics consistently, but to have them represented in a work of art with such conviction made it more real to me. For once I didn't have to validate the injustice that exists in this world; they were doing it for me.

This play embodies the exact essence of what I have been grasping at with my words throughout April. Every monologue was so raw it made my heart wrench. When I asked my husband how he had felt after seeing the play he said, "At first I was uncomfortable, but I imagine I should... we all should." This is key.

Sugar-coating gets us nowhere when it comes to action. Without taking necessary steps to reveal the true horror behind rape, nothing can or will be done. People will continue to live in their utopian societies hiding from the darkness of reality.


I am posting this in hopes that possibly a few bright-minded will go see the last showing tomorrow (Friday 5/9) at 8 p.m. There is a brutal yet beautiful honesty displayed by the cast that can only be captured by actually seeing the show.

I will forever be indebted to Mac (and Karen) for reaching out that day in the coffee shop. Through his work, he has given me the hope that I can and will publish. I also thank the cast, especially those who  are familiar with the horror I have seen. Together we stand, together we fight.

Game of Thrones? More like Rape of Thrones...(Sensitive Material and Profanity)

I am not going to sit here and dismiss the fact that I have been watching Game of Thrones since it aired on HBO or the fact that I have never read any of the books. Yet, I have been weighing my decision whether to continue watching it simply to not be a hypocrite.

Look, I have done oodles of research on the history of rape and how a rape culture was born. Susan Brownmiller's book, Against Our Will: Men, Women, and Rape, made it quite evident that rape was a spoil of war. So am I surprised that there has been sexual violence against women in GoT, considering it is portrayed in a time that rape was prevalent and ignored as a crime? No, I am not.

But I have a bone to pick, and I'm gonna effing pick it clean

Game of Thrones is on its fourth season, and has had a few depictions of rape (before this season), but they were spread out over the previous three years. There was a scene in the beginning of the series where Daenerys had just been forced to marry Khal Drogo and wasn't exactly excited about him having sex with her. History has forced marriages all throughout, and marriage does not cancel out the fact that it was rape. What lightens the blow to viewers of the show, is the romance between them, and how tender Khal Drogo became once Daenerys "tamed" him.

There has been multiple attempted rape scenes, and sounds of rape throughout the series as well. A couple examples are the scene with Sansa getting ganged up on by soldiers, but saved. Also with Brienne, right before Jaime intervenes. However, nothing has been quite as disturbing as what has been shown in this season.

When I sat down to watch episode 3, "Breaker of Chains," with my husband I was not expecting to get sideswiped by what was shown. One minute Jaime is conversing with a distraught Cersei, and the next he is forcing himself on her. Despite her struggles, slapping him, and saying "This isn't right" and "Stop it," he said "I don't care." I couldn't believe what I was watching. Even Greg was appalled as he said, "What the hell? He's gonna rape her?" I said, "Yes...yes he is" then looked away, cheeks burning, hot tears in my eyes,  and bile in my mouth.

Like I said, albeit being extremely uncomfortable, I am not surprised by the fact that sexual violence was depicted, in fact, after the scene Greg asked, "Are you okay? I know that scene probably hit close to home, we can stop watching." He was right, but I shrugged it off saying, "If I were to turn a blind eye to the prevalence of rape in these times, I am just as ignorant as those who do it in today's world." Plus, there usually wasn't clear depictions of rape in the show, so I figured it was probably not going to happen often, as it hadn't during the shows entirety.

But then episode 4, "Oathkeeper," was aired and I was brought to tears. The reality portrayed was so heart-wrenching, I was filled with rage for the women of that time who had no way to fight back. This scene showed multiple women getting raped in a house overtaken by a man whose exact words were, "Fuck 'em till their dead."

So now, half of the episodes of this season included sexual violence against women, and as a rape/sexual abuse survivor and advocate, I am losing my mind at the nonchalant reactions to these depictions. If people were to say, "Holy shit! That was rape, and that is wrong!" it would be one thing. But no, this is what people are saying, in particular to the rape of Cersei by Jaime.

"Well she gave in at the end, so it wasn't rape."
Are you effing kidding me? How uneducated can you be? She said no multiple times and fought back. If she gave in it is because, like most rape victims, it is easier to give in than to fight, especially if there is a threat of death. I gave in to my rapist eventually, does that mean I wasn't raped? There is scientific research to support there isn't just a "flight or fight" reaction , there is also a "freeze" reaction and it is more common than one would think.

"They were consensually involved in incest before, so it wasn't rape."
Yea, no. 28% of rape is intimate (rainn.org). So lets be real. How many times do people have to hear that rape is rape!

"Well Cersei is a bitch, so she deserved it" (yes forums have been filled with this statement)
Okay, no one deserves to be raped. No one. I don't even think rapists deserved to get raped, but that is only because it does no good to solve the issue at hand.

What is surprising is even some people who work on the show are saying similar things. This is where the problem lies.

I'm not going to say Game of Thrones has to hide the reality behind war-time and rape's prevelance, because that would just be a ridiculous request, but I am not going to accept how nonchalant the creators are over it, acting as if it is isn't rape. It certainly was, and to say otherwise is just living in the same ignorance that existed back then as it does now through rape culture.

Additionally, I think it would be wise to warn viewers of "Sexual Violence" through content descriptors preceding the show just as a courtesy to those who may be triggered. "Nudity" and "Strong Sexual Content" doesn't mean rape.