Shut Up Warrior...

So remember a week ago when I mentioned that I was being controlled by The Warrior and The Elder voices? How I had to let The Victim come out of her corner in order to heal?

Well...she did...and she was loud.

The very same day I typed those words of empowerment, I was banished to a room brimming with all the nightmares and realizations I have been locking away for two weeks.

You see, I had believed, and honestly still believe, that I'm fine. I just needed to have a couple of frail moments seep out of my system then, "Voila!" I am fine. Totally fine.

Hah!

So, that same night, I went out with a friend, with every intention of celebrating my new found strength: my ability to kick my Victim down with wise words and properly placed anger. I was entirely too cocky and ended up being vulnerable to stupidity. What started off as a night of fun, ended with my friend (and honestly should say bosom buddy) holding pressure to a head wound while letting me sob into her arms. Of course, I already felt like an idiot because a random girl in the bathroom inspected my head explaining that it was bad, but "hadn't gone through all seven layers of skin" (Thanks by the way, whoever you are!) I was letting The Victim out, I was vulnerable, and I hated it.

"I'm not crying because I'm bleeding profusely, you know that right?"

"Yea, sweetie, I know. It's okay...let it out." (God bless you girl, I love you).

"My therapist was right..."

"They usually are."

So here I am, a week later, and I have completely changed my view on things. I have just enough of my Elder voice to formulate intelligent conversation from whatever my Victim is spouting at the top of her lungs. What she is saying is annoying, but sadly true:

"Pay attention to me! I was hurt, I AM hurt. I want you to see me and realize I'm not going to be okay just like that! It takes time, a LONG time. Why are so many people in my life afraid of my pain?"

Reading the words I just wrote immediately bring forth the fear of rejection and lecturing from those around me that don't understand that coping doesn't mean burying your tears and anguish. I did that for 18 years. I can no longer stomach the silence and I won't.

I am grateful to those who have listened and supported me through this healing process and I urge you to be patient. This will not go away overnight. Remember that just because I appear to be strong doesn't mean I'm okay. That is a repeated misinterpretation that delayed the inevitable for many years.