Don't Question. Just Live. It's Worth It.

I have been sitting, staring at my screen for a good twenty minutes attempting to dissect the ball of complexity in my chest right now. I have reached an important milestone in my journey of healing. There are literally so many emotions compressed together into a brick pressing on my heart.

It isn't the type of pressure that makes me want to bawl uncontrollably, although tears are fighting their way out. I'm not falling apart. I'm coming together.

Yesterday I had the largest sense of clarity during my exposure session. 

As someone who is knowledgeable about the neurobiology of trauma, especially childhood trauma, one would think I would have been able to give myself a break. There is something that happens in a child's brain when they are victimized that changes how that chemistry works for the rest of their life. Additionally, certain brains may be wired already to the point where the effect of trauma is more potent.

I could tell all of these things to myself, and spit them out to other survivors over and over. These are the facts...I know them to be true therefore I should clearly be able to apply them to my own understanding.

It is so much harder trying to convince yourself, as a survivor, that what you experienced in those moments was normal. 

Normal...I kind of despise that word. There really isn't a normal...

I prayed for 18 years to be "normal," not entirely knowing what that meant. I just knew I didn't understand why I was the way I was. This isn't just about being a survivor of childhood trauma, or having BPD, it is more than that. 

Simply put, we are born with an intricate design inside our heads. Sometimes they make things more difficult and confusing. However, everything was God's design...EVERYTHING. I don't really see my BPD or anything else that is outside the realm of "average" a struggle. I honestly feel blessed by every quirk. 

There is something that Greg said to me the other day when I told him it wasn't "worth" stepping forward, and out of my shell. His response was simply:

"Don't question. Just live. It's worth it."

A Letter to My Rapist: One Year Later (Some Sensitive Material)

If you have read any of my posts from April, then you might be familiar with my post titled A Letter to My Rapist: The Reality of a Victim's Rage. The original letter was composed the day I came across my abuser on Facebook, which I never thought I'd have to see his face again, so even though it may not seem as a shock to most, it was a brick thrown at my very soul.

Tomorrow (December 13) is the one-year anniversary of when I saw him, so I decided to write him another letter, just to show how much more empowered I have become. I don't say that to boast, because it isn't something that comes easily, yet it is something that every survivor can and hopefully will achieve in their healing process.

Below is what I had to say:

It has been a year since I saw your face and the earth beneath me shattered. 18 years of bottling up what you did to me became pointless as details pushed into the forefront of my mind. 

I tried so hard to drown your voice...the words constantly reminding me of my worthlessness and endless desire to prove love through sex. You won...but only for a moment. 

Unfortunately for you, I happen to be blessed with people in my life who stepped in before it was too late. I decided almost a year ago it was time to stop letting you dictate my worth and ability to feel love. 

After months of working my ass off in therapy, I finally stopped validating your control. Now, some of those darkest memories are loosening their grip on my persona. 

I am finally me...the person God intended me to be from the day I entered this world: The empowered woman he knew I'd become from the first time you laid on top of me. 

Now, I know what it's like to love without needing to prove it. Can you believe, up until recently, I had no idea how love was SUPPOSED to feel? 

To think, it was you who did that to me...you had that much of a hold on me! 

I never knew the rush of warmth through your chest, legs, toes, cheeks, and eyes when you feel loved. The overwhelming tears of happiness when someone cares for you as much as you care for them. I had no idea what that was because I always jumped straight to sex. 

I am finally experiencing emotions in the way they were meant to be experienced...and with that...I think i can say I am free from you. 

I will never forget, and never stop fighting for those who have been violated like I was, but I'm done giving you any bit of power. 

I hope one day you will look back and realize that you created an empowering survivor, not a victim. 

Tomorrow is the actual one-year date from when I started falling apart from seeing you. I thought I would be a wreck this weekend, and wallow in my past misery. Instead, I choose to spent it with people who make me feel loved. I get to hangout with someone who makes me smile, and has proven to me that all emotions are beautiful...that I can love and be loved...that I am beautiful despite your invalidation. These are the type of people I have in my life now. These are the people that matter. 

I hope those of you who have been with me from the beginning see how important self-care really is through my healing process. If you know anyone who is struggling, be sure to push them in the right direction, because they need you. If you have any questions feel free to inbox me on my Facebook page here.

Accepting the Gray

I have gone through quite a few exposure sessions, and up until last week I was appreciating the process. I was letting my emotions shine through, which is typically something I find difficult to do when discussing my own experience considering I have learned to compartmentalize so well.  I thought letting that happen was okay.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Supposedly, because my emotions were heightened, due to me trying to get in touch with my younger self, it was actually deterring from the goal of exposure: To be able to gain control over your emotions when revisiting thoughts of trauma. This means that when I have a rather intense flashback or nightmare I can stay grounded and be able to pass through it without an issue.

You see, even if through my exposure sessions, I was still letting my "little girl" out, it has improved my overall status tremendously. Regardless of being a bit raw the day of exposure sessions, I have not had as many intrusive thoughts or nightmares since beginning PET. I'd say that is progress.

Yet, according to my therapist, I really wasn't making progress because my emotional state was still the same while going through those iconic scenes in detail, no matter how many times I went through them. Well, I'm sorry, but I would prefer not to be a robot when discussing my experience, especially when it took me so long to let those emotions come out!

I was asked to go through my story like I was reading the newspaper...I wasn't too happy about that. I'm not entirely sure why, because I do understand the whole theory behind it...but it just seemed detached to me. Almost as if, going through it that way, invalidated it somehow. I know that my thoughts don't make any sense because it isn't as if being hysterical is necessarily appropriate when discussing a trauma, but neither is sounding like a reporter. UNLESS you are discussing something in third person.

I compartmentalize all the time through my work at the YWCA and just in general when it comes to Sexual Assault. If I wasn't able to do that, I'd be a mess. However, part of the reason I became the way that I am (having Borderline) is because I shut off my emotions for so long.

Don't get me wrong, my therapist isn't telling me on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being absolutely hysterical or dissociative) to be like at a 0 or 1...She isn't telling me to have no emotion during these sessions. Yet, when she told me to read it like a reporter, that is what it sounded like to me. I have trouble finding a healthy balance.

Let me explain.

To me, you either have an emotional reaction to something or you don't. To have a semi-emotional reaction is new to me. Like to be able to cry, while also being strong, is not entirely something I learned how to do. Being at a 5 or 6 on the emotional scale seems weird to me. I'm either on or off...black or white.

I suppose me being upset over this whole thing is just realizing that I have to learn to be more human and accept that it is okay to be strong while showing emotion, even negative emotions. I am determined to start accepting the gray in my life. I believe I already have, I just haven't realized it till this past week.

It is Time to Start Asking, "How?"

This is the second time I have tried writing a post, having already deleted almost an entire page's worth of text, because I felt like I was just playing word vomit. I'm entirely positive that I was just typing the first thing that came to mind and in turn, when reading it back, it sounded like incoherent mess.

It isn't as if I don't have any inspiration for this week's post, I just have way too much and can't pinpoint the one thing I want to discuss. This past week has been chock-full of accomplishments and huge emotional releases. I finished my advocate training, and because of that, my long-term goals are finally on track. I relinquished a little bit more of myself to close friends, which is slowly starting to unravel a continuous burden I seem to carry daily. On top of those things, I started Prolonged Exposure Therapy.

What is interesting...is that I feel awesome.

When you start digging deep inside of yourself, and pulling out all the crud that has been festering, there is a ridiculous amount of pain, yet the amount of enlightenment you receive in the end outweighs any negativity.  That is where I am. 

This is more than just exploring my trauma. It is every bit of "Dana," that I hid so deep, I didn't think I'd ever let it loose. These parts of me aren't even necessarily bad...they are just quiet. However, as I become more brave in revealing myself, I start to realize that things are looking up. All of this is incredibly scary, but mostly rewarding.

I don't know if my whole "take each day at a time" motto has helped me stomach the stresses of life easier, or just knowing that I am human, and being human isn't a walk in the park. I just know, in the end, something always balances it out. 

So many times we ask, "Why?" and it gets us no where. It is time to start asking, "How?"

HOW will you take the bad you encountered and use it to empower yourself, and others to become better people. We have been given a rare chance to restore humanity by truly embracing the term "survivor." Being a survivor means more than just rising from the ashes:  

It means breaking down the walls of mythology that keep us from healing.
It means ending the cycle of violence by taking responsibility for our own baggage.
It means helping as many victims as we can BECOME survivors.
It means being a voice for those who have none.

Don't let your own perceptions of bravery get in the way of letting yourself be heard. We all are brave in our own ways.  I have been told numerous times that I am "so brave" and "extremely outspoken" and while those may be true, I also have plenty of haters who say I'm "seeking attention" or "irresponsible" and "unintelligent." 

My point is, you don't have to have a blog to be brave. You don't even have to vocalize your story if you don't want to, because chances are you have already chosen to outlet your pain in some other fashion that is changing people's lives. I dare you to look at the changes you have made, and the people you have impacted. Don't be surprised if it has increased.

I understand this might sound like poppycock, but I see it in plenty of survivors around me who may not be as outspoken. Everyone has a super-power of their own. It sounds cheesy, but I think it is absolutely true.

What started off as a post of brief updating ended up with me getting on my usual soapbox of advocacy. 

I love everyone. 

BUYER BEWARE!

Victim-blaming.

We all do it. Don't even try and say that you don't, because as humans we are institutionalized to do it. When you hear a story about a campus rape at a party and the first thing you think or say is "Why did she even drink?" or "Why would she dress like that to a party?" it is victim-blaming.  

It is what establishes the mythology behind rape and other forms of assault. It is what causes cases to be dropped even when there is empirical evidence. It is why society is uneducated and in turn scared. It is why survivors are afraid to come forward. It is also why people like me, while being stated as "brave" and "beautiful" for talking openly about my trauma, experience strain in social environments.

Before this week, I never even thought it was possible that my ability to be open about my history would cloud a person's ability to connect with me, but there is a first time for everything. I am not talking about a conversation with a stranger going sour because I say "Hey, guess what happened to me!" We all know I'm not like that. Yet, as my blog has made quite the rounds, there are people I have conversed freely with that I didn't even know read my blog.

I don't sit here and wonder about what people think about me in regards to my history because if I was afraid of judgments, then it would be quite pointless to have been public in sharing my story. Furthermore being a Speakers Bureau Member for RAINN and a victim advocate would just be silly if I truly was concerned about people's beliefs behind my trauma.

I don't care, because every time I open my mouth, I am fighting the continuing mythology behind experiences like mine.

In any case, there are people that have reservations about me because of who I am and what happened, and that is a real shame. There is this sense me being "damaged goods" or "tainted." Well shit! If people think like that, it is no wonder victims self-blame! It is such a dangerous line of thinking when you are friends with someone who is a survivor, so if you think that way, you better check yourself. 

We are not broken. We are not tainted. Our lives may have been morphed or shaped because of our experiences but we do not become our trauma. For a moment this week, I thought:

Maybe it's true....Perhaps I should walk around with a sign that says WARNING: TAINTED MEAT! BUYER BEWARE!!!

Uh no.

I am the way God made me and that's cool. I love being who I am, and frankly going through what I went through kind of certifies me as an official bad-ass. So deal with it.

One Last Regret: Struggling With Addiction

Tonight, like many other nights, I was tested. Tested on whether or not I would give in to my addiction to self-harm. This is not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. There are many things that lead to my increased vulnerability, one of them is loneliness.

If I am without social interaction, especially if my husband is working late, the negative emotions that I soaked up start to fester and multiply into thoughts of quick and reckless solutions. Like so many others, stricken with addictions to unhealthy coping mechanisms, I have to fight my way out of the web of darkness.

Granted, I am now capable of picking up my phone and calling my therapist when I know I am at that point of weakness. It is scary to think at one point I was unaware that I even had a razor in my hand until the deed was done and I was bleeding away my turmoil. Now, I can hear that voice in my head that tells me to drown my fears in my addiction.

I refuse to give in, even if I have to admit that I am fighting hard against that urge. Without that admission, I will never rewire my brain completely. So when I called my therapist tonight, as ashamed as I was that I even had to, I knew it was the right thing to do because accountability is the most important factor when overcoming any type of addiction.

Another ingredient to overcoming addiction is finding an outlet that is healthy, and as many of you know I pour myself into my music (along with my blogging of course). Through this journey I have written a couple of pieces directly relating to my life. One of them being Will She Sing, a song about my sexual abuse/rape. Another was You're the Only Way, describing my battle with Borderine Personality Disorder and suicide.

My newest piece, which at the moment goes unnamed, deals with my struggles with addiction. It applies to more than just self-harm too. I promise as soon as I get it recorded, I will share it, but this particular piece I need to put a lot of work into because it is important to me. However, I feel sharing the lyrics would help many people empathize with the internal struggle that happens between addiction and salvation. This can also be applied to Christianity with the constant battle between sin and God.

This particular piece I wrote from the perspective of the addiction itself, in order to provide a more powerful viewpoint. I can't wait until it is recorded, mostly because it has been one of my most unique pieces not only in musical styling but lyricism. I hope that those who fight alongside me find peace knowing that I do know EXACTLY how you are feeling. You are not alone.

One last regret

Take my hand don't fret

It's you and me against the world tonight

If you let go, you're sure to lose this fight

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

I'll be your voice

When you make that choice

Just take a breath and leap into my arms

I'll protect you from feeling any harm

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

Darkness seeping

Tensions breeding

I can see your strength is fleeing

Silent weeping

Wasted pleading

I can offer you this healing

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

I Am Done Being the Victim

When I walked into my therapist's office for the first time 8 months ago, I had one goal set in mind:

GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD

I did my best to shove 18 years of history into one hour in order to provide a backdrop of my struggles, but while she searched for my ultimate desire in therapy, those words that were floating in my mind, my true desire for therapy, catapulted out of my mouth.

"I just...need...you to help me get him out of my head..."

At first, I felt embarrassed and crazy, but then I looked up at my therapist and realized I hadn't said anything she was shocked by. She just nodded and formed a game plan. In that moment, I finally felt validated by what I was experiencing and knew I was in good hands.

Yet, I was stuck in my old ways, trying to hurry the process of healing because I was too ashamed to appear vulnerable to others. I refused to let my past come to the surface, but my coping mechanisms enabled my therapist to refuse trauma therapy. Her mentality, which makes complete sense now, is that if she were to put me through trauma therapy while I was still hurting myself and contemplating suicide, it would do me no good.

"Okay, so now what?" I'd ask constantly.

With that, DBT commenced while simultaneously being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although I was relieved that there was actually a name to explain what was going on with me and a proven therapy to help it, I was still unsure about when I would ever "feel better." I learned that instant gratification is a common trait among Borderlines and this goal of freeing my mind was not going to happen quickly.

So for a few months now, I have been working my ass off. Those of you who are close to me have probably realized I have made quite a few life changes. Besides not harming myself for three months (kind of a big deal) and taking control of my drinking, I have return to my musical roots by becoming an integral part of my worship team at church, writing new music and covers, been accepted as a victim advocate for our local YWCA, and expanded my awareness through multiple social media outlets. On top of that, I have formed new and solid friendships, which has given me a substantial support system.

I now feel like I am becoming who I was meant to be, and that is why I am ready to take on my past head on.

I realize that my blogging through April may seem like the ultimate form of exposure therapy, but writing is completely different than vocalizing. I can't even imagine speaking those words out loud, but when I start Prolonged Exposure Therapy in two weeks, that is exactly what I will be doing. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.

Some of you may wonder why in the world I would decide to do trauma therapy especially when things seem to be going well, but I assure you it is absolutely necessary. The trend with those who struggle with disorders like mine, is that there is a period of balance, and it appears that everything is fine. In fact, this isn't the first time I have been "okay;" however, in the past I was claimed by previous therapists to be healed and because I was misdiagnosed, I fell back into the trap.

There are friends of mine that struggle with the concept of revisiting the past, when the past is done, but it doesn't matter if its over because the wounds, while invisible, have not fully been irrigated. I must desensitize myself to my trauma, because if I don't, I will continuously be shaken by flashbacks and nightmares. I can't let that happen anymore. I am done being the victim.

So I am going to embark on this rather difficult journey, and all I ask is for the continued support of family, friends, and readers, because I may need some hands to hold. I love you all!

Newsflash: The World Sucks

As I was browsing through my news feed today, I was brought to tears by a story of a realtor who had gone missing after going to meet a client for a showing. It turns out she was kidnapped and murdered.   I immediately was thinking what many of us all think, "Who is really safe anymore?" It is as if we can't go about our normal days without worrying about what is going to happen to us.

Then I started thinking about all the other news articles that have been brought to attention just the past few months. Child sex trafficking, numerous other sexual assault cases, murder cases, the ISIS murders...the list goes on.

A little bit ago, I wrote a blog post titled Rape vs. Gumdrops: Choosing Reality Over Ignorance. It was met with mostly positive agreement, but there were a few who may have been offended by it. Granted it was an opinion piece, but I believe there was a lot of truth in it.

This post will tell you why.

The world is filled with crime. It isn't something we can necessarily escape, as awful as that sounds, but it isn't as if this is a new thing. Everything that we currently read about in the news has been happening for as long as sin has been in existence, which is a pretty long time. The difference is, whether we like it or not, technology has created a direct line to these crimes.

Think about it, if it weren't for social media, would you be half-aware of the awful stories that pop up every day? Probably not. The kicker is that so many people complain about what they are reading, as if they are surprised.

Newsflash: the world sucks.

You can try and separate yourself as far from reality as possible, but today, awareness is just something that happens. If you want the world to be a better place, you have to accept that awareness, and use it!

Believe me, before I started writing this post, I had a different approach to how I was going to present this information. I was going to say that the World is not getting any better, but then I realized, that isn't necessarily true. I think the World has inhibited the exact same of awfulness for a while, but we just know more about it. Yes, there are things that still shock people, even me (although it takes quite a doozy of a story to do so).

If you think back to the past few months, have you noticed that the stories dealing with sexual assault (including campus rape, molestation, child sex trafficking, etc), have spiked immensely? Think about it.

Now, have you also realized that organizations such as RAINN, Joyful Heart Foundation, and the YWCA have also received more funding because of this? Have you also realized that the government has taken a stand as well with numerous PSA's. Do you know why?

Awareness.

The more you are aware, the more you care.

Which is why from now on instead of wondering why the world is falling apart, think about how blessed we are to understand what is happening around us. If we didn't know, how could we possibly change things? Turning a blind eye has NEVER solved anything. If you are scared of what is out there, you aren't the only one, but just know it is better to know what is out there than be surprised by it.