Why I'm Thankful for a Crappy Year

Another year passes by, and here I am still breathing...which I never thought could be possible given my circumstances earlier this year. As we pass the time of year where we start listing off what we are thankful for, I am brought to near tears, because honestly I am thankful for everything that has happened to me in the past 365 days.

From changing my lifestyle to be a more healthier and fit woman to confronting the darkest moments of my life and not stepping over the edge. I never thought a year ago that my life was going to hit "rock bottom" so to speak, but I'm sure glad it did, because had it not, I might not know what it was truly like to live the life that was intended for me.

A series of events led me to where I am now starting with the mental breakdown late last year to the near suicide a few months later. Throughout that time I was led to my physician who realized enough about me that I wasn't okay...who called me and said she was praying for me. I am thankful for God placing this woman in my life. She is who led me to my therapist and why I am on this amazing journey of empowerment.

On that note, I am thankful for my therapist, who was the first one who was stubborn enough to match my stubbornness and never gave up...and still doesn't. Although she credits the work to me not walking out, I still have to be grateful for her presence and resilience. Had I not continued to walk through her door, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with BPD, which provided so much clarity for me when exploring my struggles through life.

Without that diagnosis, I would not have entered into Dialectical Behavior Therapy...and without DBT I would not have met some amazing people. One of them whom I believe will be a great friend for a long time. On top of that I wouldn't have gained the skills to stand up for myself and converse openly with people. Additionally, I wouldn't have gained the ability to lean on my family as much as I have.

My parents, my husband, and other members of my family have been huge supporters of my journey not to mention my necessity to fight against sexual violence. I feel that my experience has finally been validated, and as uncomfortable as it is for those closest to me, they aren't going to ignore the pain that will always be there.

Without these changes I wouldn't have returned to the church, and found a church family that accepts me for EVERYTHING that I am. Which is how it should be...I have become a part of the worship team and utilized the gift of music that was bestowed upon me in a way that is fitting. These are the things I believe I was meant to do.

I still don't know what is in store for me...because we never really know. However, I do know that I am on the path that was meant for me the moment I was first touched by the evil that existed in my childhood. I will always use it for good, and I hope that through my blogging and music that I have provided some solace for those who suffer silently.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"

Radically Accepting Who I Am and Loving It

I have come to a turning point in my life, one that tests my ability to handle complex emotions and situations. Half-a-year ago, had I been faced with the same whirlwind of what I am dealing with right now, I probably would be in a constant state of disassociation. It is interesting that through therapy, that I am hitting more difficult roadblocks, but I now have the tools to handle them.

DBT has enabled me to not only regulate my emotions through a slew of distress tolerance skills, but also to radically accept my WHOLE being. Tara Brach, a psychologist who specializes in meditation, says it perfectly:

"There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life."

It is so very true, and I now fully understand this quote.

It isn't necessarily a walk in the park to radically accept life as it is. When I say radically accept, I don't mean you have to accept everything about your life with a smile on your face. In fact, if you aren't accepting the negativity freely, then you aren't really practicing it correctly anyway. I have learned to be okay with the "bad" emotions, but also not to dwell in them.

I have also learned that much of my negative emotions that I just couldn't handle stemmed from an underlying pressure to be someone I'm not. I realized in order to radically accept life, I had to not hide anymore. This past week has been extremely exhausting, but also very liberating for me. While I understand that it might just get harder, it will simultaneously get easier.

There are a few things that help me through this:

• Taking it one day at a time
• Knowing God loves me no matter what
• Having the right support people (which includes my husband who is the most supportive and open person despite myself)

I have gained quite a few new friends in the past few months, but in particular a couple in the past week that have really helped cement the acceptance of my persona. Some of these people I have known for a while, but didn't get the chance to talk to in depth until now. One of them specifically has been a huge support because she can empathize immensely with my complex emotions right now. Her positivity, reminders to take things slowly and not feel guilty for who I am, along with calling me out on the normalcy of everything I'm experiencing, has made this time a bit easier.

Sometimes you just need to reach out to the right people at the right time, and you will be surprised at the support you might get. Through my husband and these couple of friends, I know that everything will be okay and I thank God immensely for placing them in my life.

I Am Done Being the Victim

When I walked into my therapist's office for the first time 8 months ago, I had one goal set in mind:

GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD

I did my best to shove 18 years of history into one hour in order to provide a backdrop of my struggles, but while she searched for my ultimate desire in therapy, those words that were floating in my mind, my true desire for therapy, catapulted out of my mouth.

"I just...need...you to help me get him out of my head..."

At first, I felt embarrassed and crazy, but then I looked up at my therapist and realized I hadn't said anything she was shocked by. She just nodded and formed a game plan. In that moment, I finally felt validated by what I was experiencing and knew I was in good hands.

Yet, I was stuck in my old ways, trying to hurry the process of healing because I was too ashamed to appear vulnerable to others. I refused to let my past come to the surface, but my coping mechanisms enabled my therapist to refuse trauma therapy. Her mentality, which makes complete sense now, is that if she were to put me through trauma therapy while I was still hurting myself and contemplating suicide, it would do me no good.

"Okay, so now what?" I'd ask constantly.

With that, DBT commenced while simultaneously being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although I was relieved that there was actually a name to explain what was going on with me and a proven therapy to help it, I was still unsure about when I would ever "feel better." I learned that instant gratification is a common trait among Borderlines and this goal of freeing my mind was not going to happen quickly.

So for a few months now, I have been working my ass off. Those of you who are close to me have probably realized I have made quite a few life changes. Besides not harming myself for three months (kind of a big deal) and taking control of my drinking, I have return to my musical roots by becoming an integral part of my worship team at church, writing new music and covers, been accepted as a victim advocate for our local YWCA, and expanded my awareness through multiple social media outlets. On top of that, I have formed new and solid friendships, which has given me a substantial support system.

I now feel like I am becoming who I was meant to be, and that is why I am ready to take on my past head on.

I realize that my blogging through April may seem like the ultimate form of exposure therapy, but writing is completely different than vocalizing. I can't even imagine speaking those words out loud, but when I start Prolonged Exposure Therapy in two weeks, that is exactly what I will be doing. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.

Some of you may wonder why in the world I would decide to do trauma therapy especially when things seem to be going well, but I assure you it is absolutely necessary. The trend with those who struggle with disorders like mine, is that there is a period of balance, and it appears that everything is fine. In fact, this isn't the first time I have been "okay;" however, in the past I was claimed by previous therapists to be healed and because I was misdiagnosed, I fell back into the trap.

There are friends of mine that struggle with the concept of revisiting the past, when the past is done, but it doesn't matter if its over because the wounds, while invisible, have not fully been irrigated. I must desensitize myself to my trauma, because if I don't, I will continuously be shaken by flashbacks and nightmares. I can't let that happen anymore. I am done being the victim.

So I am going to embark on this rather difficult journey, and all I ask is for the continued support of family, friends, and readers, because I may need some hands to hold. I love you all!