Just Go For It

There are times my proactive mentality overrides my sense of reality, and becomes closer to willfulness than anything. I grew up surrounded by people who taught me what it meant to be selfless. One of these people was my Abuelo (grandpa) Armando. He was the MOST selfless person I know. He literally would give you the shirt off his back or anything he could if he had the capacity to do so.

Recently the five-year anniversary of the day he went home to God passed us and I was a tad more emotional than maybe the past couple years. Part of it may have been the five-year mark, realizing it had been half a decade since he took his last breath, or perhaps it was something else. You see, I recently made some choices that bettered me as a person, and for the longest time I didn't think I'd be able to do that because it may have been viewed as selfish.

However, as I look back on this past year, specifically what led me to planning my suicide and ultimately the continuation of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, it dawned on me that had I not made the necessary changes in my life, I perhaps would not be on this earth. Although I don't see suicidal tendencies stemming from any type of mental illness as necessarily selfish, had I not been willing to fight, THAT would have been selfish.

So I did fight. I fought for everyone surrounding me and typically, that might make sense. I focused on serving those around me without really thinking about what I needed to change in order to start living a life worth living. I figured deep down there is no way I could restructure myself because it might affect too many people in the outcome. I chose to continue to bury seeds of truth deeper within my being and fight for survival.

Do you know how exhausting just surviving is?

It is not only exhausting, it is miserable. 

After half a year of tearing through these deep roots, and prayers filled with tears of anguish, I finally was met with clarity. Clarity that not only provided me with a sense of hope, but also removed any desire to escape this life. Regardless of my progress, and it had been a ton of progress at that, it doesn't mean I still didn't have massive breakdowns I had to work through with a superfluous amount of skills. Somewhere in the back of my head I still held suicide as an ultimate option and before you judge that statement, remember that having Borderline Personality Disorder can sometimes be a daily effort to survive.

I got to a point where surviving wasn't enough. I needed to be able to live...and thrive.

I had to throw the "black and white" mentality out the window and just go with it. One of my favorite quotes is:

There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it. - Judith McNaught

Oh but where does God come into this for those of you who might be shaking their heads. Well, God created every intricacy of our minds and that includes that "gut feeling" you have when you know you have to do something.

I have for TOO long concerned myself with pleasing everyone in my life. Guess what? 

Not going to happen.

If we were all on the same page, well then politics wouldn't exist. It is that simple.

This doesn't mean I care only about myself; however, what it means is that I'm not going to let the opinions of others or the dialectics of others be my foundation. I need to stand for myself. Another quote from the famous character Rock Balboa:

It doesn't matter how this looks to other people. If this is something you gotta do, then you do it. Fighters fight.

I'm Not Struggling: I'm Battling

These past couple weeks, I have been met with some interesting challenges. Up until a week ago, I had a solid grasp on my life and felt as though I was settling into a comfortable pace. I knew what I believed in, knew what my goals were. I had a general understanding of who I was. I still like to think that I am aware of the person I was created to be.

I have an earthly partner who reminds me of the precious time we have in life. I have said how he tells me not to question the confusion I face on a daily basis. The so called, "But why?" 

I don't need to ask why anymore.

However, I am pondering some decisions in my life. Not necessarily ones that may seem cosmic in comparison to other people's life choices; however, to me they hold meaning.

There is a huge part of me that is vulnerable when it comes to what has happened to me, mostly because I want people to know that trauma happens. Horrible trauma. Awareness is my number one goal when it comes to sharing my story. Anything that will in turn help others. Because of this vulnerability, it is no surprise that I have no fear in being open when it feels right.

What happens with me though is that people confuse my vulnerability, or my willingness to share the bad days with my mental illness, with an internal struggle. I may always be battling, but I am not struggling. This creates an unneeded burden on those who pry for details on my progress. I tend to not share with people unless they know my situation and ask.

The point is, I have realized that I need to create boundaries. Healthy boundaries that establish security for me, because any sense of abandonment or betrayal just throws me off the grid of stability.  This may sound cold, but it is just kind of what I need to do. I have mentioned before in way earlier posts that I have a close support system that consists of those who stand by me 100% of the time. No judgements. No "but....yada yada yada." Just there.

Without these people, right now I'd be fighting myself left and right. I struggle so often trying to make the perfect choice, but it doesn't have to be that way. Frankly, whatever decision I make, someone in this world probably isn't going to agree. That is called individuality. 

 Please don't confuse what you see as pain a struggle. It honestly is me just kicking ass. I am 100% okay with having to battle my brain every day. I am also 100% okay with who I am. 

Don't Question. Just Live. It's Worth It.

I have been sitting, staring at my screen for a good twenty minutes attempting to dissect the ball of complexity in my chest right now. I have reached an important milestone in my journey of healing. There are literally so many emotions compressed together into a brick pressing on my heart.

It isn't the type of pressure that makes me want to bawl uncontrollably, although tears are fighting their way out. I'm not falling apart. I'm coming together.

Yesterday I had the largest sense of clarity during my exposure session. 

As someone who is knowledgeable about the neurobiology of trauma, especially childhood trauma, one would think I would have been able to give myself a break. There is something that happens in a child's brain when they are victimized that changes how that chemistry works for the rest of their life. Additionally, certain brains may be wired already to the point where the effect of trauma is more potent.

I could tell all of these things to myself, and spit them out to other survivors over and over. These are the facts...I know them to be true therefore I should clearly be able to apply them to my own understanding.

It is so much harder trying to convince yourself, as a survivor, that what you experienced in those moments was normal. 

Normal...I kind of despise that word. There really isn't a normal...

I prayed for 18 years to be "normal," not entirely knowing what that meant. I just knew I didn't understand why I was the way I was. This isn't just about being a survivor of childhood trauma, or having BPD, it is more than that. 

Simply put, we are born with an intricate design inside our heads. Sometimes they make things more difficult and confusing. However, everything was God's design...EVERYTHING. I don't really see my BPD or anything else that is outside the realm of "average" a struggle. I honestly feel blessed by every quirk. 

There is something that Greg said to me the other day when I told him it wasn't "worth" stepping forward, and out of my shell. His response was simply:

"Don't question. Just live. It's worth it."

Rock Bottom: A Year Later

I apologize for being absent from the blogging world for a couple of weeks. I had to take some time to process a few things before I could write effectively. Sometimes, things happen that warp your sense of trust in the social world, and it takes a couple of laps around the rational pool to recognize that there is so much more than focusing on temporary pain.

Alas, I have returned to the fun-loving Dana that everyone adores! I have my guard up, and my trust circle and that is okay with me.

The other reason I haven't blogged is because the past few weeks have been absent of DBT and for the most part my individual sessions. It has been rather stagnant in life realizations other than the major one I came across a couple weeks ago. My social life was also pretty much gone until this week.

Something else about this week, besides getting back into the swing of things, is that it marks the one-year anniversary of when I hit rock-bottom. It is a big milestone for me to have come this far and I am so thankful for the amount of support I have gathered since then. I formed a great alliance among close friends and family.

On top of that, I recently have been blessed with even more support from a community that is near to my heart, simply because they stand with me on all the changes that I hope one day can and will happen throughout this country and world.

I used to struggle so much because I grew up with this black and white mentality, as I have mentioned before. When you start to realize, not everything is black and white....it starts to make things clearer. You stop asking why and just start living. That is what I have been doing.  I am aware that I may not be on everyone's side, because that is frankly impossible.

Trying to please everyone in your life is just not feasible. When you start to look inside yourself for what YOUR views are, and align yourself with the people who agree, it is loads easier than trying to conform to something you don't feel right about.

There will not be a day that I don't thank God for being blessed with a man, my best friend, who stands by me no matter who I am. His constant support and reminder to me that one can only live in the present, to worry about tomorrow is pointless, helps ground me constantly. When I start concerning myself with how I'm going to face certain situations I deep down know will be dreadful, he reminds me that for the few people I may lose in my life, I have a multitude more who are there on the sidelines waiting to hold my hand.

One year later...and I now know I am me.

" Loving every soul: beautiful, imaginative, and noble."

The Most Important Lesson I Learned in 2014

So, I was quite the giddy adult going into the days before Christmas, and I woke up Christmas Eve morning with a hop in my step and a warmth in my heart that I was sure could never be diminished. By the time December 30th rolled around, I was positive that I had been tested in some shape or form on my ability to manage a multitude of triggering events.

The first minor setback in enjoying the holiday season was the very fact that toddlers are unaware of what day it is, let alone when they will be cutting a very intense molar. My poor handsome baby boy had a miserable Christmas, and that poured right onto mommy. He wouldn't eat or nap because he was in so much pain, which then led an emotional Dana because I had no idea how to fix the problem at hand.

On top of that, my niece was very sick with Croup, which made for a difficult holiday for my brother and sister-in-law. My eldest brother got the Flu and it appears more of my family members are ill. Being sick is rather frustrating, but when you are supposed to be enjoying your vacation, and you are coughing and vomiting instead, it's like a slap in the face.

While these unfortunate events toned down the joy that I was trying to hold on to this year, it was no comparison to the ultimate test that hit me a couple days ago.

I recently have written about becoming more vulnerable and allowing myself to feel positive emotions and start opening myself up to others. This is something that is fairly new to me because early on I trained myself to "go in my shell," so to speak, before there was even a chance that I would get hurt. It has been very empowering to let my guard down and get closer to powerful emotions. Whether it be through Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or perhaps opening my heart to someone, it has been quite the journey.

A couple days ago I was blind-sided by a sudden detachment from somebody I care about and had been vulnerable with. I shouldn't ever expect a positive result from vulnerability, or "daring greatly" as Brene Brown would call it, but I also don't expect to be "left out in the cold." Abandonment to me is the most intense trigger of emotional turmoil. Unless you have similar issues, you might not understand.

I'd prefer not to go into detail, because it really isn't important to the post I am writing other than the fact that I learned a powerful lesson through this. Being vulnerable is a complicated and empowering, but mostly incredible painful process. This week I cried the hardest I have in a while, and while some people may have been uncomfortable with my 12 hours of anger and dismay, had I not let myself sit in those tears, I may be worse off now.

Don't be afraid to let the tears flow. We are human and emotions are there to tell us something important. I was hurt, deeply, and I may not be able to bounce back completely from that, but at least I know I bounced back.

The Best Christmas Yet

As you get older, the excitement over the Holiday Season tends to wither away as the need to materialize our affection for others grows greater and greater. We buy into the hype of stressing over purchasing the right gift and budgeting until we cry ourselves to sleep, but why? Why do we do this?

I grew up surrounded by very selfless people. My Abuelo Cepero (he passed in 2010...the most amazing man on the face of this earth) was always putting others first, and I never forgot that. At times, it was hard to watch, because I believe there were those who unfortunately took advantage of his giving nature. My mother inherited the selfless gene from him. She goes above and beyond almost to the point of exhaustion. I love you Mom, but you do sometimes take on more than you should! However, I respect and love you so much for this...and this is why:

I'm no different.

I have had numerous people say I'm insane, including Greg and my therapist (jokingly), because I take on so many things voluntarily just in order to help people. I technically have four jobs...only one that I get legitimately paid for...and that one does not give me the satisfaction the others do. I would rather work 55 hours a week doing advocacy work pro-bono than anything else that may pay a decent amount without the ability to help people.

When it comes to materialistic things, as much as I inherited my father's love for new gadgets, gizmos, and instruments....I much more prefer to bless others with gifts above myself. My grandfather would always be trying to help me monetarily during my teen years by offering up a 20-dollar-bill for gas or as he said " 'ahm-BURgers"and every time I would push the money away. Of course he would shove it back at me and get angry if I didn't accept it.

When I first started therapy, I was actually scolded because I refused help in any way. When our insurance switched over to a very high-deductible plan, the only way I could afford therapy without draining our savings, was to accept assistance. I felt horrible that I even had to do that, because yet again, my pride got in the way. I figured "I'm strong enough! I don't need therapy...other people need that money more!"

My therapist just kept reminding me how important it was to continue therapy. Hurting my pride is not as bad as not healing and maybe losing myself in the process.

My marriage is often tricky because with a lot of things my husband and I are both selfless, so we never really speak up when it comes to what we really want. Especially around this time of the year. Greg is usually so busy working that he doesn't have time to go shopping for me, which I don't really care, but then he compensates by letting me just get whatever I want for like half the year. It's silly really. I usually have a lot of time to shop...so I just keep getting him surprises...and then that makes him feel even worse.

This year...is different.

For the first time, I have decided not to let my pride get in the way. This doesn't mean I'm being the opposite and being greedy. I'm just not going to feel bad when people overload me with gifts and love, because I realized, it probably hurts them when I am overwhelmed with gratitude and find it hard to accept their gift. I know with how I love to give, if someone says "this is too much, I can't accept it," it does sting a little.

Once again I have realized you can live in the gray area and not be judged.  You can give and love giving, while enjoying the benefits of receiving as well.  So I vow to be as excited when my son opens up his new ukulele as I will be when I open up mine (even though I already know I'm getting it. THANKS MOM AND DAD!)

This is going to be the best Christmas yet.

On a more serious note, there are gifts I have received that are more rewarding than anything anyone could buy for me:

• One of them is the chance at fighting for my life that my therapist bestowed on me by pushing me, yet validating my every emotion and thought. She has truly been a blessing, regardless of the fact that it takes the work on my part, there are few people who can drill through my shell of stubbornness and she is one of them.
• Another is the amount of new friends that God has blessed me with that have helped me through a transition I am going through at the moment, and have stuck by me and not judged me in the least bit.
• The last, but not least, is for Greg. Ever since a year ago, when I started falling apart, he has become the most supportive person in my life. Even though I can't give him everything he might need, simply because of how I'm wired, he continues to give everything he can to me. I promise you this, had I married ANY other person, they would have left by now. He has never judged. Only loved. Thank you Greg. 

Why I'm Thankful for a Crappy Year

Another year passes by, and here I am still breathing...which I never thought could be possible given my circumstances earlier this year. As we pass the time of year where we start listing off what we are thankful for, I am brought to near tears, because honestly I am thankful for everything that has happened to me in the past 365 days.

From changing my lifestyle to be a more healthier and fit woman to confronting the darkest moments of my life and not stepping over the edge. I never thought a year ago that my life was going to hit "rock bottom" so to speak, but I'm sure glad it did, because had it not, I might not know what it was truly like to live the life that was intended for me.

A series of events led me to where I am now starting with the mental breakdown late last year to the near suicide a few months later. Throughout that time I was led to my physician who realized enough about me that I wasn't okay...who called me and said she was praying for me. I am thankful for God placing this woman in my life. She is who led me to my therapist and why I am on this amazing journey of empowerment.

On that note, I am thankful for my therapist, who was the first one who was stubborn enough to match my stubbornness and never gave up...and still doesn't. Although she credits the work to me not walking out, I still have to be grateful for her presence and resilience. Had I not continued to walk through her door, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with BPD, which provided so much clarity for me when exploring my struggles through life.

Without that diagnosis, I would not have entered into Dialectical Behavior Therapy...and without DBT I would not have met some amazing people. One of them whom I believe will be a great friend for a long time. On top of that I wouldn't have gained the skills to stand up for myself and converse openly with people. Additionally, I wouldn't have gained the ability to lean on my family as much as I have.

My parents, my husband, and other members of my family have been huge supporters of my journey not to mention my necessity to fight against sexual violence. I feel that my experience has finally been validated, and as uncomfortable as it is for those closest to me, they aren't going to ignore the pain that will always be there.

Without these changes I wouldn't have returned to the church, and found a church family that accepts me for EVERYTHING that I am. Which is how it should be...I have become a part of the worship team and utilized the gift of music that was bestowed upon me in a way that is fitting. These are the things I believe I was meant to do.

I still don't know what is in store for me...because we never really know. However, I do know that I am on the path that was meant for me the moment I was first touched by the evil that existed in my childhood. I will always use it for good, and I hope that through my blogging and music that I have provided some solace for those who suffer silently.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"

Radically Accepting Who I Am and Loving It

I have come to a turning point in my life, one that tests my ability to handle complex emotions and situations. Half-a-year ago, had I been faced with the same whirlwind of what I am dealing with right now, I probably would be in a constant state of disassociation. It is interesting that through therapy, that I am hitting more difficult roadblocks, but I now have the tools to handle them.

DBT has enabled me to not only regulate my emotions through a slew of distress tolerance skills, but also to radically accept my WHOLE being. Tara Brach, a psychologist who specializes in meditation, says it perfectly:

"There is something wonderfully bold and liberating about saying yes to our entire imperfect and messy life."

It is so very true, and I now fully understand this quote.

It isn't necessarily a walk in the park to radically accept life as it is. When I say radically accept, I don't mean you have to accept everything about your life with a smile on your face. In fact, if you aren't accepting the negativity freely, then you aren't really practicing it correctly anyway. I have learned to be okay with the "bad" emotions, but also not to dwell in them.

I have also learned that much of my negative emotions that I just couldn't handle stemmed from an underlying pressure to be someone I'm not. I realized in order to radically accept life, I had to not hide anymore. This past week has been extremely exhausting, but also very liberating for me. While I understand that it might just get harder, it will simultaneously get easier.

There are a few things that help me through this:

• Taking it one day at a time
• Knowing God loves me no matter what
• Having the right support people (which includes my husband who is the most supportive and open person despite myself)

I have gained quite a few new friends in the past few months, but in particular a couple in the past week that have really helped cement the acceptance of my persona. Some of these people I have known for a while, but didn't get the chance to talk to in depth until now. One of them specifically has been a huge support because she can empathize immensely with my complex emotions right now. Her positivity, reminders to take things slowly and not feel guilty for who I am, along with calling me out on the normalcy of everything I'm experiencing, has made this time a bit easier.

Sometimes you just need to reach out to the right people at the right time, and you will be surprised at the support you might get. Through my husband and these couple of friends, I know that everything will be okay and I thank God immensely for placing them in my life.

One Last Regret: Struggling With Addiction

Tonight, like many other nights, I was tested. Tested on whether or not I would give in to my addiction to self-harm. This is not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. There are many things that lead to my increased vulnerability, one of them is loneliness.

If I am without social interaction, especially if my husband is working late, the negative emotions that I soaked up start to fester and multiply into thoughts of quick and reckless solutions. Like so many others, stricken with addictions to unhealthy coping mechanisms, I have to fight my way out of the web of darkness.

Granted, I am now capable of picking up my phone and calling my therapist when I know I am at that point of weakness. It is scary to think at one point I was unaware that I even had a razor in my hand until the deed was done and I was bleeding away my turmoil. Now, I can hear that voice in my head that tells me to drown my fears in my addiction.

I refuse to give in, even if I have to admit that I am fighting hard against that urge. Without that admission, I will never rewire my brain completely. So when I called my therapist tonight, as ashamed as I was that I even had to, I knew it was the right thing to do because accountability is the most important factor when overcoming any type of addiction.

Another ingredient to overcoming addiction is finding an outlet that is healthy, and as many of you know I pour myself into my music (along with my blogging of course). Through this journey I have written a couple of pieces directly relating to my life. One of them being Will She Sing, a song about my sexual abuse/rape. Another was You're the Only Way, describing my battle with Borderine Personality Disorder and suicide.

My newest piece, which at the moment goes unnamed, deals with my struggles with addiction. It applies to more than just self-harm too. I promise as soon as I get it recorded, I will share it, but this particular piece I need to put a lot of work into because it is important to me. However, I feel sharing the lyrics would help many people empathize with the internal struggle that happens between addiction and salvation. This can also be applied to Christianity with the constant battle between sin and God.

This particular piece I wrote from the perspective of the addiction itself, in order to provide a more powerful viewpoint. I can't wait until it is recorded, mostly because it has been one of my most unique pieces not only in musical styling but lyricism. I hope that those who fight alongside me find peace knowing that I do know EXACTLY how you are feeling. You are not alone.

One last regret

Take my hand don't fret

It's you and me against the world tonight

If you let go, you're sure to lose this fight

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

I'll be your voice

When you make that choice

Just take a breath and leap into my arms

I'll protect you from feeling any harm

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

Darkness seeping

Tensions breeding

I can see your strength is fleeing

Silent weeping

Wasted pleading

I can offer you this healing

So drown your fears in me

Without my help, you won't be free

Let your tears drop to the sea

Of fallen hope and broken dreams

I Am Done Being the Victim

When I walked into my therapist's office for the first time 8 months ago, I had one goal set in mind:

GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD

I did my best to shove 18 years of history into one hour in order to provide a backdrop of my struggles, but while she searched for my ultimate desire in therapy, those words that were floating in my mind, my true desire for therapy, catapulted out of my mouth.

"I just...need...you to help me get him out of my head..."

At first, I felt embarrassed and crazy, but then I looked up at my therapist and realized I hadn't said anything she was shocked by. She just nodded and formed a game plan. In that moment, I finally felt validated by what I was experiencing and knew I was in good hands.

Yet, I was stuck in my old ways, trying to hurry the process of healing because I was too ashamed to appear vulnerable to others. I refused to let my past come to the surface, but my coping mechanisms enabled my therapist to refuse trauma therapy. Her mentality, which makes complete sense now, is that if she were to put me through trauma therapy while I was still hurting myself and contemplating suicide, it would do me no good.

"Okay, so now what?" I'd ask constantly.

With that, DBT commenced while simultaneously being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although I was relieved that there was actually a name to explain what was going on with me and a proven therapy to help it, I was still unsure about when I would ever "feel better." I learned that instant gratification is a common trait among Borderlines and this goal of freeing my mind was not going to happen quickly.

So for a few months now, I have been working my ass off. Those of you who are close to me have probably realized I have made quite a few life changes. Besides not harming myself for three months (kind of a big deal) and taking control of my drinking, I have return to my musical roots by becoming an integral part of my worship team at church, writing new music and covers, been accepted as a victim advocate for our local YWCA, and expanded my awareness through multiple social media outlets. On top of that, I have formed new and solid friendships, which has given me a substantial support system.

I now feel like I am becoming who I was meant to be, and that is why I am ready to take on my past head on.

I realize that my blogging through April may seem like the ultimate form of exposure therapy, but writing is completely different than vocalizing. I can't even imagine speaking those words out loud, but when I start Prolonged Exposure Therapy in two weeks, that is exactly what I will be doing. Honestly, I'm pretty scared.

Some of you may wonder why in the world I would decide to do trauma therapy especially when things seem to be going well, but I assure you it is absolutely necessary. The trend with those who struggle with disorders like mine, is that there is a period of balance, and it appears that everything is fine. In fact, this isn't the first time I have been "okay;" however, in the past I was claimed by previous therapists to be healed and because I was misdiagnosed, I fell back into the trap.

There are friends of mine that struggle with the concept of revisiting the past, when the past is done, but it doesn't matter if its over because the wounds, while invisible, have not fully been irrigated. I must desensitize myself to my trauma, because if I don't, I will continuously be shaken by flashbacks and nightmares. I can't let that happen anymore. I am done being the victim.

So I am going to embark on this rather difficult journey, and all I ask is for the continued support of family, friends, and readers, because I may need some hands to hold. I love you all!