I'm Empowered and Loving It

Empowerment.

What does that word mean to you?

Some people see empowerment as a threat because somehow it transforms into this idea of entitlement, but anyone who views it as that is simply misinformed. Empowerment, by definition, uses the word "authority," but when speaking of social matters it has a whole different meaning.

As a human being, and more specifically a woman, I believe I am empowered, because I have been given the tools and skills to stand for myself while contributing to society in a manner that benefits and empowers others. I no longer feel the need to please those who drag my self-worth down, and that is just a general statement when it comes to my social interactions.

I don't expect every single person to understand me and I certainly am aware that there will be continued bewilderment from people who could never fully empathize with the inner-workings of my persona; however, the necessity for them to grasp it is moot. Everyone is entitled to their own perception, such is the freedom of being a complex creature.

I am so blessed to have a source of constant encouragement to push towards my goals and help me realize where my passion lies. Without that source, I may not even have stepped into the wonderful job I have now or have a clear-cut idea of what I want to do as a career. Furthermore, this source has reminded me that I have the right to be "Dana."

This is all part of the idea behind empowerment.

There is a trend I have noticed lately when it comes to empowering others around me or when my supports encourage me. As humans we are impeccably talented at giving advice to others without actually absorbing the words we speak. There are times I have noticed this with myself, but lately I have tried to actually adhere to my advice.

So I'll tell everyone reading the same thing I tell those I work with and myself every day:

"Do not let the idea of disappointing anyone get in the way of helping yourself. Do not sacrifice your life for the sake of others' wholeness. If the people surrounding you can't be on your side when you are trying to build your life, then give them time. Once you have shown them that you are indeed taking charge and standing for yourself, they will see the fruits of joy and soon be at your side again."

Just Go For It

There are times my proactive mentality overrides my sense of reality, and becomes closer to willfulness than anything. I grew up surrounded by people who taught me what it meant to be selfless. One of these people was my Abuelo (grandpa) Armando. He was the MOST selfless person I know. He literally would give you the shirt off his back or anything he could if he had the capacity to do so.

Recently the five-year anniversary of the day he went home to God passed us and I was a tad more emotional than maybe the past couple years. Part of it may have been the five-year mark, realizing it had been half a decade since he took his last breath, or perhaps it was something else. You see, I recently made some choices that bettered me as a person, and for the longest time I didn't think I'd be able to do that because it may have been viewed as selfish.

However, as I look back on this past year, specifically what led me to planning my suicide and ultimately the continuation of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, it dawned on me that had I not made the necessary changes in my life, I perhaps would not be on this earth. Although I don't see suicidal tendencies stemming from any type of mental illness as necessarily selfish, had I not been willing to fight, THAT would have been selfish.

So I did fight. I fought for everyone surrounding me and typically, that might make sense. I focused on serving those around me without really thinking about what I needed to change in order to start living a life worth living. I figured deep down there is no way I could restructure myself because it might affect too many people in the outcome. I chose to continue to bury seeds of truth deeper within my being and fight for survival.

Do you know how exhausting just surviving is?

It is not only exhausting, it is miserable. 

After half a year of tearing through these deep roots, and prayers filled with tears of anguish, I finally was met with clarity. Clarity that not only provided me with a sense of hope, but also removed any desire to escape this life. Regardless of my progress, and it had been a ton of progress at that, it doesn't mean I still didn't have massive breakdowns I had to work through with a superfluous amount of skills. Somewhere in the back of my head I still held suicide as an ultimate option and before you judge that statement, remember that having Borderline Personality Disorder can sometimes be a daily effort to survive.

I got to a point where surviving wasn't enough. I needed to be able to live...and thrive.

I had to throw the "black and white" mentality out the window and just go with it. One of my favorite quotes is:

There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it. - Judith McNaught

Oh but where does God come into this for those of you who might be shaking their heads. Well, God created every intricacy of our minds and that includes that "gut feeling" you have when you know you have to do something.

I have for TOO long concerned myself with pleasing everyone in my life. Guess what? 

Not going to happen.

If we were all on the same page, well then politics wouldn't exist. It is that simple.

This doesn't mean I care only about myself; however, what it means is that I'm not going to let the opinions of others or the dialectics of others be my foundation. I need to stand for myself. Another quote from the famous character Rock Balboa:

It doesn't matter how this looks to other people. If this is something you gotta do, then you do it. Fighters fight.

I'm Not Struggling: I'm Battling

These past couple weeks, I have been met with some interesting challenges. Up until a week ago, I had a solid grasp on my life and felt as though I was settling into a comfortable pace. I knew what I believed in, knew what my goals were. I had a general understanding of who I was. I still like to think that I am aware of the person I was created to be.

I have an earthly partner who reminds me of the precious time we have in life. I have said how he tells me not to question the confusion I face on a daily basis. The so called, "But why?" 

I don't need to ask why anymore.

However, I am pondering some decisions in my life. Not necessarily ones that may seem cosmic in comparison to other people's life choices; however, to me they hold meaning.

There is a huge part of me that is vulnerable when it comes to what has happened to me, mostly because I want people to know that trauma happens. Horrible trauma. Awareness is my number one goal when it comes to sharing my story. Anything that will in turn help others. Because of this vulnerability, it is no surprise that I have no fear in being open when it feels right.

What happens with me though is that people confuse my vulnerability, or my willingness to share the bad days with my mental illness, with an internal struggle. I may always be battling, but I am not struggling. This creates an unneeded burden on those who pry for details on my progress. I tend to not share with people unless they know my situation and ask.

The point is, I have realized that I need to create boundaries. Healthy boundaries that establish security for me, because any sense of abandonment or betrayal just throws me off the grid of stability.  This may sound cold, but it is just kind of what I need to do. I have mentioned before in way earlier posts that I have a close support system that consists of those who stand by me 100% of the time. No judgements. No "but....yada yada yada." Just there.

Without these people, right now I'd be fighting myself left and right. I struggle so often trying to make the perfect choice, but it doesn't have to be that way. Frankly, whatever decision I make, someone in this world probably isn't going to agree. That is called individuality. 

 Please don't confuse what you see as pain a struggle. It honestly is me just kicking ass. I am 100% okay with having to battle my brain every day. I am also 100% okay with who I am.