Step Forward into Growth

I'm a person of conviction.

When I say or do something, I don't do it half-heartedly. 

Many times in my life, people have perceived my decisions as impulsive, and I agree that during my teenager and early adult years, I made some mistakes based on instant gratification. However, as of late, that is not the case.

Only a few people really know the full story behind my life choices, and no one else really needs to because there comes a point in time, that no matter how open you are (especially if you are an autobiographical blogger), that your personal life is yours alone.

This past week, I was open publicly about my support of the LGBT community and my own sexuality, and while it may have hurt those who wanted me to remain cloaked, I didn't do it for the glory. I did it because it was an important step I had to take to show my support when it comes to equality across the board.

The questions started pouring in and as I answered them I was aware the judgements would start appearing at the same time. No matter your conviction, some things cut deeply.

This isn't about my sexuality, or the choices I have made (which a general reminder, no one knows the full truth and frankly that's not their business), but more or less my capability of being a good mother or a stable human being.

My ability to parent well has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Neither does the decision that stems from my orientation. People who come from broken homes assume that every situation is toxic, and that the child is going to suffer. Did anyone ever think that the opposite may have been worse for the child's development?

It almost insults me, because I am pretty sure I'm more aware of neurobiological responses in children, and how their development is just from my experience, and what I do for a living; however, no one thinks about that. I have been told that when I became a mother, I gave up my right to do what I want in life. That is shallow thinking.

I believe in empowerment and I'm pretty sure I can be an awesome mom while serving my community as a passion, and having a personal life that actually gives me joy. 

I'm sorry if you disagree. 

"You will either step forward into growth or step back into safety." I have chosen the latter.

Don't Question. Just Live. It's Worth It.

I have been sitting, staring at my screen for a good twenty minutes attempting to dissect the ball of complexity in my chest right now. I have reached an important milestone in my journey of healing. There are literally so many emotions compressed together into a brick pressing on my heart.

It isn't the type of pressure that makes me want to bawl uncontrollably, although tears are fighting their way out. I'm not falling apart. I'm coming together.

Yesterday I had the largest sense of clarity during my exposure session. 

As someone who is knowledgeable about the neurobiology of trauma, especially childhood trauma, one would think I would have been able to give myself a break. There is something that happens in a child's brain when they are victimized that changes how that chemistry works for the rest of their life. Additionally, certain brains may be wired already to the point where the effect of trauma is more potent.

I could tell all of these things to myself, and spit them out to other survivors over and over. These are the facts...I know them to be true therefore I should clearly be able to apply them to my own understanding.

It is so much harder trying to convince yourself, as a survivor, that what you experienced in those moments was normal. 

Normal...I kind of despise that word. There really isn't a normal...

I prayed for 18 years to be "normal," not entirely knowing what that meant. I just knew I didn't understand why I was the way I was. This isn't just about being a survivor of childhood trauma, or having BPD, it is more than that. 

Simply put, we are born with an intricate design inside our heads. Sometimes they make things more difficult and confusing. However, everything was God's design...EVERYTHING. I don't really see my BPD or anything else that is outside the realm of "average" a struggle. I honestly feel blessed by every quirk. 

There is something that Greg said to me the other day when I told him it wasn't "worth" stepping forward, and out of my shell. His response was simply:

"Don't question. Just live. It's worth it."