Rock Bottom: A Year Later

I apologize for being absent from the blogging world for a couple of weeks. I had to take some time to process a few things before I could write effectively. Sometimes, things happen that warp your sense of trust in the social world, and it takes a couple of laps around the rational pool to recognize that there is so much more than focusing on temporary pain.

Alas, I have returned to the fun-loving Dana that everyone adores! I have my guard up, and my trust circle and that is okay with me.

The other reason I haven't blogged is because the past few weeks have been absent of DBT and for the most part my individual sessions. It has been rather stagnant in life realizations other than the major one I came across a couple weeks ago. My social life was also pretty much gone until this week.

Something else about this week, besides getting back into the swing of things, is that it marks the one-year anniversary of when I hit rock-bottom. It is a big milestone for me to have come this far and I am so thankful for the amount of support I have gathered since then. I formed a great alliance among close friends and family.

On top of that, I recently have been blessed with even more support from a community that is near to my heart, simply because they stand with me on all the changes that I hope one day can and will happen throughout this country and world.

I used to struggle so much because I grew up with this black and white mentality, as I have mentioned before. When you start to realize, not everything is black and white....it starts to make things clearer. You stop asking why and just start living. That is what I have been doing.  I am aware that I may not be on everyone's side, because that is frankly impossible.

Trying to please everyone in your life is just not feasible. When you start to look inside yourself for what YOUR views are, and align yourself with the people who agree, it is loads easier than trying to conform to something you don't feel right about.

There will not be a day that I don't thank God for being blessed with a man, my best friend, who stands by me no matter who I am. His constant support and reminder to me that one can only live in the present, to worry about tomorrow is pointless, helps ground me constantly. When I start concerning myself with how I'm going to face certain situations I deep down know will be dreadful, he reminds me that for the few people I may lose in my life, I have a multitude more who are there on the sidelines waiting to hold my hand.

One year later...and I now know I am me.

" Loving every soul: beautiful, imaginative, and noble."

Accepting the Gray

I have gone through quite a few exposure sessions, and up until last week I was appreciating the process. I was letting my emotions shine through, which is typically something I find difficult to do when discussing my own experience considering I have learned to compartmentalize so well.  I thought letting that happen was okay.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Supposedly, because my emotions were heightened, due to me trying to get in touch with my younger self, it was actually deterring from the goal of exposure: To be able to gain control over your emotions when revisiting thoughts of trauma. This means that when I have a rather intense flashback or nightmare I can stay grounded and be able to pass through it without an issue.

You see, even if through my exposure sessions, I was still letting my "little girl" out, it has improved my overall status tremendously. Regardless of being a bit raw the day of exposure sessions, I have not had as many intrusive thoughts or nightmares since beginning PET. I'd say that is progress.

Yet, according to my therapist, I really wasn't making progress because my emotional state was still the same while going through those iconic scenes in detail, no matter how many times I went through them. Well, I'm sorry, but I would prefer not to be a robot when discussing my experience, especially when it took me so long to let those emotions come out!

I was asked to go through my story like I was reading the newspaper...I wasn't too happy about that. I'm not entirely sure why, because I do understand the whole theory behind it...but it just seemed detached to me. Almost as if, going through it that way, invalidated it somehow. I know that my thoughts don't make any sense because it isn't as if being hysterical is necessarily appropriate when discussing a trauma, but neither is sounding like a reporter. UNLESS you are discussing something in third person.

I compartmentalize all the time through my work at the YWCA and just in general when it comes to Sexual Assault. If I wasn't able to do that, I'd be a mess. However, part of the reason I became the way that I am (having Borderline) is because I shut off my emotions for so long.

Don't get me wrong, my therapist isn't telling me on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being absolutely hysterical or dissociative) to be like at a 0 or 1...She isn't telling me to have no emotion during these sessions. Yet, when she told me to read it like a reporter, that is what it sounded like to me. I have trouble finding a healthy balance.

Let me explain.

To me, you either have an emotional reaction to something or you don't. To have a semi-emotional reaction is new to me. Like to be able to cry, while also being strong, is not entirely something I learned how to do. Being at a 5 or 6 on the emotional scale seems weird to me. I'm either on or off...black or white.

I suppose me being upset over this whole thing is just realizing that I have to learn to be more human and accept that it is okay to be strong while showing emotion, even negative emotions. I am determined to start accepting the gray in my life. I believe I already have, I just haven't realized it till this past week.