The Most Important Lesson I Learned in 2014

So, I was quite the giddy adult going into the days before Christmas, and I woke up Christmas Eve morning with a hop in my step and a warmth in my heart that I was sure could never be diminished. By the time December 30th rolled around, I was positive that I had been tested in some shape or form on my ability to manage a multitude of triggering events.

The first minor setback in enjoying the holiday season was the very fact that toddlers are unaware of what day it is, let alone when they will be cutting a very intense molar. My poor handsome baby boy had a miserable Christmas, and that poured right onto mommy. He wouldn't eat or nap because he was in so much pain, which then led an emotional Dana because I had no idea how to fix the problem at hand.

On top of that, my niece was very sick with Croup, which made for a difficult holiday for my brother and sister-in-law. My eldest brother got the Flu and it appears more of my family members are ill. Being sick is rather frustrating, but when you are supposed to be enjoying your vacation, and you are coughing and vomiting instead, it's like a slap in the face.

While these unfortunate events toned down the joy that I was trying to hold on to this year, it was no comparison to the ultimate test that hit me a couple days ago.

I recently have written about becoming more vulnerable and allowing myself to feel positive emotions and start opening myself up to others. This is something that is fairly new to me because early on I trained myself to "go in my shell," so to speak, before there was even a chance that I would get hurt. It has been very empowering to let my guard down and get closer to powerful emotions. Whether it be through Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or perhaps opening my heart to someone, it has been quite the journey.

A couple days ago I was blind-sided by a sudden detachment from somebody I care about and had been vulnerable with. I shouldn't ever expect a positive result from vulnerability, or "daring greatly" as Brene Brown would call it, but I also don't expect to be "left out in the cold." Abandonment to me is the most intense trigger of emotional turmoil. Unless you have similar issues, you might not understand.

I'd prefer not to go into detail, because it really isn't important to the post I am writing other than the fact that I learned a powerful lesson through this. Being vulnerable is a complicated and empowering, but mostly incredible painful process. This week I cried the hardest I have in a while, and while some people may have been uncomfortable with my 12 hours of anger and dismay, had I not let myself sit in those tears, I may be worse off now.

Don't be afraid to let the tears flow. We are human and emotions are there to tell us something important. I was hurt, deeply, and I may not be able to bounce back completely from that, but at least I know I bounced back.

The Best Christmas Yet

As you get older, the excitement over the Holiday Season tends to wither away as the need to materialize our affection for others grows greater and greater. We buy into the hype of stressing over purchasing the right gift and budgeting until we cry ourselves to sleep, but why? Why do we do this?

I grew up surrounded by very selfless people. My Abuelo Cepero (he passed in 2010...the most amazing man on the face of this earth) was always putting others first, and I never forgot that. At times, it was hard to watch, because I believe there were those who unfortunately took advantage of his giving nature. My mother inherited the selfless gene from him. She goes above and beyond almost to the point of exhaustion. I love you Mom, but you do sometimes take on more than you should! However, I respect and love you so much for this...and this is why:

I'm no different.

I have had numerous people say I'm insane, including Greg and my therapist (jokingly), because I take on so many things voluntarily just in order to help people. I technically have four jobs...only one that I get legitimately paid for...and that one does not give me the satisfaction the others do. I would rather work 55 hours a week doing advocacy work pro-bono than anything else that may pay a decent amount without the ability to help people.

When it comes to materialistic things, as much as I inherited my father's love for new gadgets, gizmos, and instruments....I much more prefer to bless others with gifts above myself. My grandfather would always be trying to help me monetarily during my teen years by offering up a 20-dollar-bill for gas or as he said " 'ahm-BURgers"and every time I would push the money away. Of course he would shove it back at me and get angry if I didn't accept it.

When I first started therapy, I was actually scolded because I refused help in any way. When our insurance switched over to a very high-deductible plan, the only way I could afford therapy without draining our savings, was to accept assistance. I felt horrible that I even had to do that, because yet again, my pride got in the way. I figured "I'm strong enough! I don't need therapy...other people need that money more!"

My therapist just kept reminding me how important it was to continue therapy. Hurting my pride is not as bad as not healing and maybe losing myself in the process.

My marriage is often tricky because with a lot of things my husband and I are both selfless, so we never really speak up when it comes to what we really want. Especially around this time of the year. Greg is usually so busy working that he doesn't have time to go shopping for me, which I don't really care, but then he compensates by letting me just get whatever I want for like half the year. It's silly really. I usually have a lot of time to shop...so I just keep getting him surprises...and then that makes him feel even worse.

This year...is different.

For the first time, I have decided not to let my pride get in the way. This doesn't mean I'm being the opposite and being greedy. I'm just not going to feel bad when people overload me with gifts and love, because I realized, it probably hurts them when I am overwhelmed with gratitude and find it hard to accept their gift. I know with how I love to give, if someone says "this is too much, I can't accept it," it does sting a little.

Once again I have realized you can live in the gray area and not be judged.  You can give and love giving, while enjoying the benefits of receiving as well.  So I vow to be as excited when my son opens up his new ukulele as I will be when I open up mine (even though I already know I'm getting it. THANKS MOM AND DAD!)

This is going to be the best Christmas yet.

On a more serious note, there are gifts I have received that are more rewarding than anything anyone could buy for me:

• One of them is the chance at fighting for my life that my therapist bestowed on me by pushing me, yet validating my every emotion and thought. She has truly been a blessing, regardless of the fact that it takes the work on my part, there are few people who can drill through my shell of stubbornness and she is one of them.
• Another is the amount of new friends that God has blessed me with that have helped me through a transition I am going through at the moment, and have stuck by me and not judged me in the least bit.
• The last, but not least, is for Greg. Ever since a year ago, when I started falling apart, he has become the most supportive person in my life. Even though I can't give him everything he might need, simply because of how I'm wired, he continues to give everything he can to me. I promise you this, had I married ANY other person, they would have left by now. He has never judged. Only loved. Thank you Greg.