Re-Emergence

A half a year ago, I walked away from my blog...thinking there was no point to ever vocalize the inner monologue of my being ever again. I lived in complete silence, despite my claims of how living vulnerability is the only way to ever be courageous. Why?

Because it was necessary in order to "keep the peace." Yet, I've come so far in such a short time, and part of my mission through this blog was to provide a voice to those who may not be able to do so.

I'm not just talking about speaking out against sexual violence, domestic violence, or other acts of injustice, but about things I grew passionate about simply because of who I am as a person. 

Almost a year ago I revealed that I was gay, publicly. Most of those who were close to me already knew, but a lot of people were unaware. Most were accepting, some were confused, and a handful denied it. 

It isn't easy being open about who you are, and no doubt, things are progressing now for those in the LGBT, but it isn't all peaches and cream. People still struggle to accept themselves in a society that constantly tries to dictate "who they are." You can be as true to yourself as you possibly can be, but there are always going to be people trying to tell you that you are something else.

But it doesn't matter...because they aren't you...simple as that. 

People have seen me struggle, and I can say that, sure, it hasn't been a walk in the park, but that isn't because I'm gay...or because of my relationship with my partner. It is because I feel persecuted for my joy. 

I was told at one point, that it was okay to be gay as long as I lived alone and celibate. Like, are you kidding me? So, you want to deny a human being one of the most wonderful things we can experience as mankind, which is love...because you're uncomfortable with the idea of them having the same body parts?

Are we hurting anyone? Is our natural capability to love...evil somehow?

No.

What is hurting society is labels, stereotypes, hypocrites, ignorance, and mostly...the constant need to define someone based on subjective perceptions rather than critical thinking and acceptance. 

For the most part, I live a modest and private life...but that doesn't mean I'm afraid to tell anyone who desires to know about the joy and peace I have discovered through coming out.

The End: For Now

In the time since I have last opened myself to the world, I have become a completely different person.

Disclosure is not something I can accomplish at this time.

I have a new career, new relationships, and new long-term goals.

Frankly, despite the many positive transformations in my life, I am no longer in a position to share that part of me.

I have thought endlessly how I would sever the tie from my blog, and the words escape me every time.

Thank you for everyone who has followed me on my journey and maybe one day I will again inspire those to use their voice and empower themselves.

I'll be back! ;-)

Step Forward into Growth

I'm a person of conviction.

When I say or do something, I don't do it half-heartedly. 

Many times in my life, people have perceived my decisions as impulsive, and I agree that during my teenager and early adult years, I made some mistakes based on instant gratification. However, as of late, that is not the case.

Only a few people really know the full story behind my life choices, and no one else really needs to because there comes a point in time, that no matter how open you are (especially if you are an autobiographical blogger), that your personal life is yours alone.

This past week, I was open publicly about my support of the LGBT community and my own sexuality, and while it may have hurt those who wanted me to remain cloaked, I didn't do it for the glory. I did it because it was an important step I had to take to show my support when it comes to equality across the board.

The questions started pouring in and as I answered them I was aware the judgements would start appearing at the same time. No matter your conviction, some things cut deeply.

This isn't about my sexuality, or the choices I have made (which a general reminder, no one knows the full truth and frankly that's not their business), but more or less my capability of being a good mother or a stable human being.

My ability to parent well has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Neither does the decision that stems from my orientation. People who come from broken homes assume that every situation is toxic, and that the child is going to suffer. Did anyone ever think that the opposite may have been worse for the child's development?

It almost insults me, because I am pretty sure I'm more aware of neurobiological responses in children, and how their development is just from my experience, and what I do for a living; however, no one thinks about that. I have been told that when I became a mother, I gave up my right to do what I want in life. That is shallow thinking.

I believe in empowerment and I'm pretty sure I can be an awesome mom while serving my community as a passion, and having a personal life that actually gives me joy. 

I'm sorry if you disagree. 

"You will either step forward into growth or step back into safety." I have chosen the latter.

I'm Empowered and Loving It

Empowerment.

What does that word mean to you?

Some people see empowerment as a threat because somehow it transforms into this idea of entitlement, but anyone who views it as that is simply misinformed. Empowerment, by definition, uses the word "authority," but when speaking of social matters it has a whole different meaning.

As a human being, and more specifically a woman, I believe I am empowered, because I have been given the tools and skills to stand for myself while contributing to society in a manner that benefits and empowers others. I no longer feel the need to please those who drag my self-worth down, and that is just a general statement when it comes to my social interactions.

I don't expect every single person to understand me and I certainly am aware that there will be continued bewilderment from people who could never fully empathize with the inner-workings of my persona; however, the necessity for them to grasp it is moot. Everyone is entitled to their own perception, such is the freedom of being a complex creature.

I am so blessed to have a source of constant encouragement to push towards my goals and help me realize where my passion lies. Without that source, I may not even have stepped into the wonderful job I have now or have a clear-cut idea of what I want to do as a career. Furthermore, this source has reminded me that I have the right to be "Dana."

This is all part of the idea behind empowerment.

There is a trend I have noticed lately when it comes to empowering others around me or when my supports encourage me. As humans we are impeccably talented at giving advice to others without actually absorbing the words we speak. There are times I have noticed this with myself, but lately I have tried to actually adhere to my advice.

So I'll tell everyone reading the same thing I tell those I work with and myself every day:

"Do not let the idea of disappointing anyone get in the way of helping yourself. Do not sacrifice your life for the sake of others' wholeness. If the people surrounding you can't be on your side when you are trying to build your life, then give them time. Once you have shown them that you are indeed taking charge and standing for yourself, they will see the fruits of joy and soon be at your side again."

"Do the Thing You Think You Cannot Do"

There is something that I have come to recognize in the past couple months or so about our walk in life and that is:

No one on this Earth is going to understand your journey, so don't expect them to.

It is evident that as humans we are faced with decisions that we have to make in order to set ourselves on the course to enlightenment or joy, but people around us may not always see that as the path they deem correct.

And that, my friend, is okay.

In the past 90 days or so, I have made some changes in my life that I never thought were possible simply because I was extremely co-dependent for a majority of my adulthood. This doesn't mean I was incapable of being a grown-up, it just means that I was always depending on the fact that someone was always there to hold my hand. For this reason, I stayed at the same company for nearly a decade, even though I knew my heart was in the non-profit sector.

After I had my son, I did put in numerous resumes in order to get into a career that made more sense with a family-life, but it did no good, and eventually I gave up. Now, over two years later, and I found myself in a completely different situation, and the necessity to switch careers was even more necessary.

Luckily, being a local volunteer gave me a foot in the door for a job I now love and I couldn't be more blessed. I went from not knowing what was in store for me, to starting my dream career in less than three months.

Sometimes when there is a sense of urgency in your life, a fire under your butt so-to-speak, it becomes easier to fight for the things you desire.

No matter what, don't let anyone's perception of your journey diminish your capacity to attain your goals. I understand it can be difficult, especially for those of us who want to please the masses, but in the end...is pleasing everyone just so you can suffer massive burn-out the best decision for you?

If you are afraid to take that step that you've been aching to take for ages, remember that in the end it'll all work itself out. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do!"

Adjust Accordingly

I have been slacking, I know! I'd like to make the excuse that I have been overwhelmingly too busy to sit down and write, but that is far from the truth. In all honesty, I simply have been unable to formulate a post that is worthy enough for the public. This blog is about my life, and while it is all kinds of interesting at the moment, it isn't the time to divulge those happenings.

So where am I in this crazy adventure called life?

A place where I can finally be filled with joy, true joy. So many of us think that we don't deserve happiness, simply because it doesn't seem attainable. However, that is entirely false. 

Sometimes happiness takes work. It will not come easy, believe me. What lasts does not come easy...

The most important thing that one can do when working towards their ultimate goal is keep their eyes forward and tackle each day at a time. I have gotten nowhere stressing about the future because tomorrow is unattainable. We can have hopes and dreams, and that is really what I work towards, it gives me drive. Yet, we must live in the present. Each day is a gift...a glorious gift. It is up to us how we use it.

I wake up each morning and smile because I have these wonderful blessings. I know that no matter what, at the end of the day they are still there to remind me how beautiful life really is. 

I am human, I have emotions, difficult emotions. I cry...like any other human. I do not feel ashamed for the God-given biological responses that tell us we are alive. I refuse to pretend, just not my prerogative anymore. 

So if you see me cry, just know this: I am doing A-Okay. I just have normal struggles in life and I deal with them just like any other person.

But hey guess what?

I am happy! 

And some advice for the road:

If someone or something gets in the way of your happiness, ever respectively tell them to, as someone close to me would say, "Get Bent!" 

All jokes aside, we deserve happiness in some shape or form. Life doesn't always work out as planned, but it is all about how we adjust to continue on our path. 

Everything Makes Sense Now

I woke up this morning with a burning desire to spit out my inner most thoughts onto this blog, but for some reason as soon as I sat down, my rationality kicked in. So often I am met with the need to just blurt out the truths that swirl in my gut. However, I recognize the need to be logical and quiet my mind and fingers.

Yet...

I just can't help but wonder the reaction from being completely raw. Just throw it out there.

"Oh hey! I just want to let you know that _____"

What an easy task it would be to simply type out those words, but adversely a difficult set of consequences. While I know what I want to say would be met with overwhelming support, I have some steps I have to take before I get to that point.

For a long time, I was afraid of facing certain hurdles I know I have to jump, but recently that fear has subsided to practically a grain of nothingness. Part of that is my ability to be open with more people in my life. I have reached out to those I know I will need, and the fact that they listened without batting their eyes and just loved me is more than I could ever ask for.

When you learn to fully accept yourself and decide to live according to that, there becomes a moment of unbelievable clarity. Everything that you have fought against, that weighs on your mental stability, seems to float away. 

The moment I knew in my heart what I needed to do to be the real "Dana", all desire to hurt myself or even kill myself slipped away. There is no longer that burden weighing on my mind making it unbearable to deal with the real world. I can face the day knowing in the end there is joy and I will no longer be living in the mindset that I have to fit a certain mold to be loved.

Do you know what is like to go through life never knowing how something was supposed to feel?

Thinking you were broken, meant to forever live in stagnancy, surviving by knowledge rather than instinct. 

That is how I lived my life. I always thought, "I can't possibly feel these things because I was damaged." I basically just lived based on a set of black and white rules placed in front of me. "This is how it is supposed to be." Granted I was okay, because I was convinced there was nothing left to do but accept it.

It is amazing how everything can change in one solitary day. Suddenly, my heart is on fire and there are moments I have to catch my breath. 

I asked my friends, "What is happening to me?"

They just giggle and tell me, "That is how it is supposed to be!"

Ah...

Everything makes sense now. 

Just Go For It

There are times my proactive mentality overrides my sense of reality, and becomes closer to willfulness than anything. I grew up surrounded by people who taught me what it meant to be selfless. One of these people was my Abuelo (grandpa) Armando. He was the MOST selfless person I know. He literally would give you the shirt off his back or anything he could if he had the capacity to do so.

Recently the five-year anniversary of the day he went home to God passed us and I was a tad more emotional than maybe the past couple years. Part of it may have been the five-year mark, realizing it had been half a decade since he took his last breath, or perhaps it was something else. You see, I recently made some choices that bettered me as a person, and for the longest time I didn't think I'd be able to do that because it may have been viewed as selfish.

However, as I look back on this past year, specifically what led me to planning my suicide and ultimately the continuation of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, it dawned on me that had I not made the necessary changes in my life, I perhaps would not be on this earth. Although I don't see suicidal tendencies stemming from any type of mental illness as necessarily selfish, had I not been willing to fight, THAT would have been selfish.

So I did fight. I fought for everyone surrounding me and typically, that might make sense. I focused on serving those around me without really thinking about what I needed to change in order to start living a life worth living. I figured deep down there is no way I could restructure myself because it might affect too many people in the outcome. I chose to continue to bury seeds of truth deeper within my being and fight for survival.

Do you know how exhausting just surviving is?

It is not only exhausting, it is miserable. 

After half a year of tearing through these deep roots, and prayers filled with tears of anguish, I finally was met with clarity. Clarity that not only provided me with a sense of hope, but also removed any desire to escape this life. Regardless of my progress, and it had been a ton of progress at that, it doesn't mean I still didn't have massive breakdowns I had to work through with a superfluous amount of skills. Somewhere in the back of my head I still held suicide as an ultimate option and before you judge that statement, remember that having Borderline Personality Disorder can sometimes be a daily effort to survive.

I got to a point where surviving wasn't enough. I needed to be able to live...and thrive.

I had to throw the "black and white" mentality out the window and just go with it. One of my favorite quotes is:

There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it. - Judith McNaught

Oh but where does God come into this for those of you who might be shaking their heads. Well, God created every intricacy of our minds and that includes that "gut feeling" you have when you know you have to do something.

I have for TOO long concerned myself with pleasing everyone in my life. Guess what? 

Not going to happen.

If we were all on the same page, well then politics wouldn't exist. It is that simple.

This doesn't mean I care only about myself; however, what it means is that I'm not going to let the opinions of others or the dialectics of others be my foundation. I need to stand for myself. Another quote from the famous character Rock Balboa:

It doesn't matter how this looks to other people. If this is something you gotta do, then you do it. Fighters fight.

What Are You Afraid Of?

What are you afraid of?

I have asked myself this very question numerous times the past couple of weeks. So many times in life we shy away from those things that frighten us because we don't want to risk stability. However, how often does stability bring true joy?

For me I played it safe for years, staying within a "black and white" mentality only to fall within the cracks of society. I'm not talking about going unnoticed, I'm simply talking about flowing right along with the people that surrounded me. I was too afraid to speak my mind when tough questions were presented. 

I always thought "this can't be right, that isn't what I was taught," and for the most part I just shrugged off anything that was pointing me in the other direction. We strive so hard in society to please the mass majority, but in the end is that what we truly deserve as an individual?

We are each crafted in such a unique way, that no one should be able to mimic every iota of our being. So why do we struggle so hard to be someone else? For me, I had a lot of factors that dictated why I was afraid to be myself. Religion, culture, the school I went to, general demographics in the town I grew up in, parenting style....and much more. I thought I had to be this cookie-cutter Baptist conservative who lived the American dream. 

In the past year, through therapy and digging through the sludge of my past along with pushing away the denial of who I was fighting for so long, I have started to confront my fears, specifically in the past couple of weeks.

Do you know that my biggest fear is finding true joy? All growing up I was told to be thankful for what I was blessed with, and that couldn't be further from the truth. However, true joy doesn't always stem from blessings. To me, in order to find happiness you have to go through a bit of muck. 

"Dana, hasn't your life been a bit mucky already?"

Yea sure, but whose hasn't? We have all had trials of some shape or form. Trials that were thrown on us without asking for it. Trials that may have helped developed how we act as human beings today. But tell me, have you ever specifically decided to go through the worst in order to get the best?

Many people may disagree with me over this, specifically those close to me, however opinions are opinions. We all have them.

This past week, on February 26th, I decided to confront those fears because I was given a reason to do so. A reason that practically fell in my lap. Ever since that day, the sun has literally been shining and I can't stop but thank God for that, and the joy he has instilled in my heart. 

So tell me, are you afraid of joy?

Before You Watch 'Fifty Shades of Grey', Read This

I told myself I wasn't going to use the phenomenon surrounding 50 Shades to utilize my platform, but the more attention it gets this weekend through the movie premiere, the more my obligation to educate people grows.

Despite what I state here, let me be clear that I am not going to judge anyone who sees the movie. However, please understand that when you watch it, watch it with a mind that understands what is TRULY being represented. On top of that, I most certainly am not judging the BDSM lifestyle, because legitimate BDSM is far from what is represented in the film. So let us get the judgements out of the way, because that is not what my agenda is here.

Additionally, I am someone who has ACTUALLY read the book. I'm not using anything out-of-context.

I have been debating via social media for the past 24 hours, so instead of re-writing what I have been saying, let me just pull from my statements.

 I did read the book the whole way through and here is the deal people: what you need to realize is that media is a powerful force. When there are people saying this is not abuse they are clearly misinformed. Movies can depict this, but they need to call it like it is. There was stalking, and emotional manipulation. Anastasia was vulnerable and drawn in to him and because that manipulation contorted her sense of what she really wanted, it looks like it is consent. It isn't though. BDSM does not equate with what this movie depicts. Fantasy or no fantasy: media producers need to admit to the reality of what they are depicting. The ACCEPTANCE of the portrayals of abusive relationships, even if it's a movie, just shows that a culture will not realize what is abuse in reality. Go get titillated, but remember that somewhere nearby, an actual woman is being controlled in the same fashion and has no way out. I feel like people need to read Susan Brownmiller's book, because as more attention is given to this film, the culture to support it is becoming more prevalent... People need to start talking, because if this is what it takes to educate the masses in what so many people experience in reality, let the awareness begin. Additionally, from my experience, let me say I was infatuated with my abuser. He took advantage of my vulnerability. He made me feel like no one else mattered but him and I felt by the end I had no choice but to give in. Even if I said I wasn't comfortable or no he was always rationalizing it to make me feel like I deserved or desired it.

Don't mistake the age of my trauma to offset the patterns in an abusive relationship. They are all the same. Just because someone is an adult, doesn't mean they are immune from abusive patterns.

Let's get the BDSM issue out of the way. This is not BDSM. Coming directly from someone in the adult industry I was inadvertently in a Facebook discussion with:

I have read all these books and have worked in the adult industry for over 5 years. I can say this book is trash and makes me mad because I have worked with people educating them in the correct way of getting into BDSM and this book is everything you DON'T want to do. It may not be noticed to those who are not familiar with the BDSM community or even the stages of abuse, but with all these things popping up to educate you with FACTS, don't be ignorant and ignore it. It's a story written by someone who had no idea what the hell she was talking about and it clearly shows. I understand why people want to see it, but keep in mind that this relationship should not be wanted by a single soul or idolized - Jammie Ryerson

"Dana...it's just a flipping movie! It doesn't mean it is making choices for people!"

No it isn't. However, media has the impeccable ability to warp how things are perceived. If the abusive relationship was called out on, recognized in some fashion, this would not be as big of an issue as it is becoming.

If you ever have seen the movie Enough with J-Lo, then you would see a movie that says clearly it is about domestic abuse. Interestingly enough, the patterns established in that movie aren't far from what is represented in 50 shades. Go figure.

Everyone keeps saying "This isn't abuse! There was a contract." Okay...stop it. That contract was not introduced until Anastasia had been far in the manipulation process. This isn't two consenting adults from the beginning. It was an obsession, that turned into stalking and emotional manipulation. Anastasia, being naive, and drawn into Christian's tall, dark, and handsome, is all it took. She had a fascination with him and because he gave her the attention she was thirsting, it was all the easier to be contorted.

Abusive relationships do not start with a man threatening the woman. If that were the case, the woman would run. There is a cycle, and once a victim gets caught in it, it is almost impossible to escape. There is a honeymoon period that it starts with, which isn't all that different from the grooming period in sexual abuse. Eventually, the victim is sucked in and somehow buys into all the crap the abuser is spouting. Abusers know what to feed off from, trust me.

There are enough people writing about this to form a thesis, so I'm not going to keep blabbering. If you want some good sources of context comparison and legitimate articles representing my point, they are below.

Fifty Abusive Moments in Fifty Shades of Grey: A woman's blog analyzing the book in pieces. It is a long read, but doesn't take long to realize how much sense it makes.

Even the co-stars of the movie think 50 Shades of Grey is awful (and maybe even a bit like Hitler): Yea...they knew something wasn't right.

Review-'Fifty Shades of Grey' Is Abusive Gender Roles Disguised As Faux-Feminism: A review on Forbes nonetheless by a male. This is more non-biased but still representative of the themes shining through the film. Long, but good read.

I'm Not Struggling: I'm Battling

These past couple weeks, I have been met with some interesting challenges. Up until a week ago, I had a solid grasp on my life and felt as though I was settling into a comfortable pace. I knew what I believed in, knew what my goals were. I had a general understanding of who I was. I still like to think that I am aware of the person I was created to be.

I have an earthly partner who reminds me of the precious time we have in life. I have said how he tells me not to question the confusion I face on a daily basis. The so called, "But why?" 

I don't need to ask why anymore.

However, I am pondering some decisions in my life. Not necessarily ones that may seem cosmic in comparison to other people's life choices; however, to me they hold meaning.

There is a huge part of me that is vulnerable when it comes to what has happened to me, mostly because I want people to know that trauma happens. Horrible trauma. Awareness is my number one goal when it comes to sharing my story. Anything that will in turn help others. Because of this vulnerability, it is no surprise that I have no fear in being open when it feels right.

What happens with me though is that people confuse my vulnerability, or my willingness to share the bad days with my mental illness, with an internal struggle. I may always be battling, but I am not struggling. This creates an unneeded burden on those who pry for details on my progress. I tend to not share with people unless they know my situation and ask.

The point is, I have realized that I need to create boundaries. Healthy boundaries that establish security for me, because any sense of abandonment or betrayal just throws me off the grid of stability.  This may sound cold, but it is just kind of what I need to do. I have mentioned before in way earlier posts that I have a close support system that consists of those who stand by me 100% of the time. No judgements. No "but....yada yada yada." Just there.

Without these people, right now I'd be fighting myself left and right. I struggle so often trying to make the perfect choice, but it doesn't have to be that way. Frankly, whatever decision I make, someone in this world probably isn't going to agree. That is called individuality. 

 Please don't confuse what you see as pain a struggle. It honestly is me just kicking ass. I am 100% okay with having to battle my brain every day. I am also 100% okay with who I am. 

Don't Question. Just Live. It's Worth It.

I have been sitting, staring at my screen for a good twenty minutes attempting to dissect the ball of complexity in my chest right now. I have reached an important milestone in my journey of healing. There are literally so many emotions compressed together into a brick pressing on my heart.

It isn't the type of pressure that makes me want to bawl uncontrollably, although tears are fighting their way out. I'm not falling apart. I'm coming together.

Yesterday I had the largest sense of clarity during my exposure session. 

As someone who is knowledgeable about the neurobiology of trauma, especially childhood trauma, one would think I would have been able to give myself a break. There is something that happens in a child's brain when they are victimized that changes how that chemistry works for the rest of their life. Additionally, certain brains may be wired already to the point where the effect of trauma is more potent.

I could tell all of these things to myself, and spit them out to other survivors over and over. These are the facts...I know them to be true therefore I should clearly be able to apply them to my own understanding.

It is so much harder trying to convince yourself, as a survivor, that what you experienced in those moments was normal. 

Normal...I kind of despise that word. There really isn't a normal...

I prayed for 18 years to be "normal," not entirely knowing what that meant. I just knew I didn't understand why I was the way I was. This isn't just about being a survivor of childhood trauma, or having BPD, it is more than that. 

Simply put, we are born with an intricate design inside our heads. Sometimes they make things more difficult and confusing. However, everything was God's design...EVERYTHING. I don't really see my BPD or anything else that is outside the realm of "average" a struggle. I honestly feel blessed by every quirk. 

There is something that Greg said to me the other day when I told him it wasn't "worth" stepping forward, and out of my shell. His response was simply:

"Don't question. Just live. It's worth it."

Rock Bottom: A Year Later

I apologize for being absent from the blogging world for a couple of weeks. I had to take some time to process a few things before I could write effectively. Sometimes, things happen that warp your sense of trust in the social world, and it takes a couple of laps around the rational pool to recognize that there is so much more than focusing on temporary pain.

Alas, I have returned to the fun-loving Dana that everyone adores! I have my guard up, and my trust circle and that is okay with me.

The other reason I haven't blogged is because the past few weeks have been absent of DBT and for the most part my individual sessions. It has been rather stagnant in life realizations other than the major one I came across a couple weeks ago. My social life was also pretty much gone until this week.

Something else about this week, besides getting back into the swing of things, is that it marks the one-year anniversary of when I hit rock-bottom. It is a big milestone for me to have come this far and I am so thankful for the amount of support I have gathered since then. I formed a great alliance among close friends and family.

On top of that, I recently have been blessed with even more support from a community that is near to my heart, simply because they stand with me on all the changes that I hope one day can and will happen throughout this country and world.

I used to struggle so much because I grew up with this black and white mentality, as I have mentioned before. When you start to realize, not everything is black and white....it starts to make things clearer. You stop asking why and just start living. That is what I have been doing.  I am aware that I may not be on everyone's side, because that is frankly impossible.

Trying to please everyone in your life is just not feasible. When you start to look inside yourself for what YOUR views are, and align yourself with the people who agree, it is loads easier than trying to conform to something you don't feel right about.

There will not be a day that I don't thank God for being blessed with a man, my best friend, who stands by me no matter who I am. His constant support and reminder to me that one can only live in the present, to worry about tomorrow is pointless, helps ground me constantly. When I start concerning myself with how I'm going to face certain situations I deep down know will be dreadful, he reminds me that for the few people I may lose in my life, I have a multitude more who are there on the sidelines waiting to hold my hand.

One year later...and I now know I am me.

" Loving every soul: beautiful, imaginative, and noble."

The Most Important Lesson I Learned in 2014

So, I was quite the giddy adult going into the days before Christmas, and I woke up Christmas Eve morning with a hop in my step and a warmth in my heart that I was sure could never be diminished. By the time December 30th rolled around, I was positive that I had been tested in some shape or form on my ability to manage a multitude of triggering events.

The first minor setback in enjoying the holiday season was the very fact that toddlers are unaware of what day it is, let alone when they will be cutting a very intense molar. My poor handsome baby boy had a miserable Christmas, and that poured right onto mommy. He wouldn't eat or nap because he was in so much pain, which then led an emotional Dana because I had no idea how to fix the problem at hand.

On top of that, my niece was very sick with Croup, which made for a difficult holiday for my brother and sister-in-law. My eldest brother got the Flu and it appears more of my family members are ill. Being sick is rather frustrating, but when you are supposed to be enjoying your vacation, and you are coughing and vomiting instead, it's like a slap in the face.

While these unfortunate events toned down the joy that I was trying to hold on to this year, it was no comparison to the ultimate test that hit me a couple days ago.

I recently have written about becoming more vulnerable and allowing myself to feel positive emotions and start opening myself up to others. This is something that is fairly new to me because early on I trained myself to "go in my shell," so to speak, before there was even a chance that I would get hurt. It has been very empowering to let my guard down and get closer to powerful emotions. Whether it be through Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or perhaps opening my heart to someone, it has been quite the journey.

A couple days ago I was blind-sided by a sudden detachment from somebody I care about and had been vulnerable with. I shouldn't ever expect a positive result from vulnerability, or "daring greatly" as Brene Brown would call it, but I also don't expect to be "left out in the cold." Abandonment to me is the most intense trigger of emotional turmoil. Unless you have similar issues, you might not understand.

I'd prefer not to go into detail, because it really isn't important to the post I am writing other than the fact that I learned a powerful lesson through this. Being vulnerable is a complicated and empowering, but mostly incredible painful process. This week I cried the hardest I have in a while, and while some people may have been uncomfortable with my 12 hours of anger and dismay, had I not let myself sit in those tears, I may be worse off now.

Don't be afraid to let the tears flow. We are human and emotions are there to tell us something important. I was hurt, deeply, and I may not be able to bounce back completely from that, but at least I know I bounced back.

The Best Christmas Yet

As you get older, the excitement over the Holiday Season tends to wither away as the need to materialize our affection for others grows greater and greater. We buy into the hype of stressing over purchasing the right gift and budgeting until we cry ourselves to sleep, but why? Why do we do this?

I grew up surrounded by very selfless people. My Abuelo Cepero (he passed in 2010...the most amazing man on the face of this earth) was always putting others first, and I never forgot that. At times, it was hard to watch, because I believe there were those who unfortunately took advantage of his giving nature. My mother inherited the selfless gene from him. She goes above and beyond almost to the point of exhaustion. I love you Mom, but you do sometimes take on more than you should! However, I respect and love you so much for this...and this is why:

I'm no different.

I have had numerous people say I'm insane, including Greg and my therapist (jokingly), because I take on so many things voluntarily just in order to help people. I technically have four jobs...only one that I get legitimately paid for...and that one does not give me the satisfaction the others do. I would rather work 55 hours a week doing advocacy work pro-bono than anything else that may pay a decent amount without the ability to help people.

When it comes to materialistic things, as much as I inherited my father's love for new gadgets, gizmos, and instruments....I much more prefer to bless others with gifts above myself. My grandfather would always be trying to help me monetarily during my teen years by offering up a 20-dollar-bill for gas or as he said " 'ahm-BURgers"and every time I would push the money away. Of course he would shove it back at me and get angry if I didn't accept it.

When I first started therapy, I was actually scolded because I refused help in any way. When our insurance switched over to a very high-deductible plan, the only way I could afford therapy without draining our savings, was to accept assistance. I felt horrible that I even had to do that, because yet again, my pride got in the way. I figured "I'm strong enough! I don't need therapy...other people need that money more!"

My therapist just kept reminding me how important it was to continue therapy. Hurting my pride is not as bad as not healing and maybe losing myself in the process.

My marriage is often tricky because with a lot of things my husband and I are both selfless, so we never really speak up when it comes to what we really want. Especially around this time of the year. Greg is usually so busy working that he doesn't have time to go shopping for me, which I don't really care, but then he compensates by letting me just get whatever I want for like half the year. It's silly really. I usually have a lot of time to shop...so I just keep getting him surprises...and then that makes him feel even worse.

This year...is different.

For the first time, I have decided not to let my pride get in the way. This doesn't mean I'm being the opposite and being greedy. I'm just not going to feel bad when people overload me with gifts and love, because I realized, it probably hurts them when I am overwhelmed with gratitude and find it hard to accept their gift. I know with how I love to give, if someone says "this is too much, I can't accept it," it does sting a little.

Once again I have realized you can live in the gray area and not be judged.  You can give and love giving, while enjoying the benefits of receiving as well.  So I vow to be as excited when my son opens up his new ukulele as I will be when I open up mine (even though I already know I'm getting it. THANKS MOM AND DAD!)

This is going to be the best Christmas yet.

On a more serious note, there are gifts I have received that are more rewarding than anything anyone could buy for me:

• One of them is the chance at fighting for my life that my therapist bestowed on me by pushing me, yet validating my every emotion and thought. She has truly been a blessing, regardless of the fact that it takes the work on my part, there are few people who can drill through my shell of stubbornness and she is one of them.
• Another is the amount of new friends that God has blessed me with that have helped me through a transition I am going through at the moment, and have stuck by me and not judged me in the least bit.
• The last, but not least, is for Greg. Ever since a year ago, when I started falling apart, he has become the most supportive person in my life. Even though I can't give him everything he might need, simply because of how I'm wired, he continues to give everything he can to me. I promise you this, had I married ANY other person, they would have left by now. He has never judged. Only loved. Thank you Greg. 

A Letter to My Rapist: One Year Later (Some Sensitive Material)

If you have read any of my posts from April, then you might be familiar with my post titled A Letter to My Rapist: The Reality of a Victim's Rage. The original letter was composed the day I came across my abuser on Facebook, which I never thought I'd have to see his face again, so even though it may not seem as a shock to most, it was a brick thrown at my very soul.

Tomorrow (December 13) is the one-year anniversary of when I saw him, so I decided to write him another letter, just to show how much more empowered I have become. I don't say that to boast, because it isn't something that comes easily, yet it is something that every survivor can and hopefully will achieve in their healing process.

Below is what I had to say:

It has been a year since I saw your face and the earth beneath me shattered. 18 years of bottling up what you did to me became pointless as details pushed into the forefront of my mind. 

I tried so hard to drown your voice...the words constantly reminding me of my worthlessness and endless desire to prove love through sex. You won...but only for a moment. 

Unfortunately for you, I happen to be blessed with people in my life who stepped in before it was too late. I decided almost a year ago it was time to stop letting you dictate my worth and ability to feel love. 

After months of working my ass off in therapy, I finally stopped validating your control. Now, some of those darkest memories are loosening their grip on my persona. 

I am finally me...the person God intended me to be from the day I entered this world: The empowered woman he knew I'd become from the first time you laid on top of me. 

Now, I know what it's like to love without needing to prove it. Can you believe, up until recently, I had no idea how love was SUPPOSED to feel? 

To think, it was you who did that to me...you had that much of a hold on me! 

I never knew the rush of warmth through your chest, legs, toes, cheeks, and eyes when you feel loved. The overwhelming tears of happiness when someone cares for you as much as you care for them. I had no idea what that was because I always jumped straight to sex. 

I am finally experiencing emotions in the way they were meant to be experienced...and with that...I think i can say I am free from you. 

I will never forget, and never stop fighting for those who have been violated like I was, but I'm done giving you any bit of power. 

I hope one day you will look back and realize that you created an empowering survivor, not a victim. 

Tomorrow is the actual one-year date from when I started falling apart from seeing you. I thought I would be a wreck this weekend, and wallow in my past misery. Instead, I choose to spent it with people who make me feel loved. I get to hangout with someone who makes me smile, and has proven to me that all emotions are beautiful...that I can love and be loved...that I am beautiful despite your invalidation. These are the type of people I have in my life now. These are the people that matter. 

I hope those of you who have been with me from the beginning see how important self-care really is through my healing process. If you know anyone who is struggling, be sure to push them in the right direction, because they need you. If you have any questions feel free to inbox me on my Facebook page here.

Oh, Hey! I'm a Normal Person...

I have experienced so many emotions in the past week, I don't even know where to begin. Well...I guess from the beginning?

So Thanksgiving was amazing, and for the first time ever, I actually sat and enjoyed the food. I didn't think about calories, or stress, or anything that could hinder me from soaking in the glorious feast in front of me. BUT SEE...I have two Thanksgivings. One at my mom's...and the next day at my dad's. 

I ate so much.

No, you don't even understand....

In any case, I didn't think too much of it until I decided to weigh myself late last week. 

BAD IDEA! BAD BAD BAD IDEA....

I cried.

Granted, it wasn't like I had reverted back to my pre-running self. I hadn't even put on inches per say...and yes! I know the number means absolutely nothing....trust me. It doesn't matter though, because all it takes is just that hint of doubt...oh not to mention being a hormonal maniac once a month, to throw me over the edge.

That lasted about two days. Then I got over myself because I happen to have a mother who says cool things like "It's easier to maintain than obtain." So I just cracked the whip and started being strict with myself again.

I know, who cares about all this right? Well I do! Because, when I am running and balancing my diet, I'm pretty darn happy.

Okay, that was explaining my first cry of the week. That cry was a self-pity cry. The second cry was more, "Holy cow...all the feels in the world crashing down and my heart is exploding" kind of cry.

I don't really know how to break down why I even started to bawl like a baby on the couch while texting a friend, eating Fruit Loops...and watching Greg play his XBOX other than the fact that a close friend of mine was overly sweet in her text....and I lost it? I think that whole once a month hormonal thing may have gotten in the way again. 

Why am I telling these silly stories when I typically am talking about serious stuff? Because I'm here to remind you that I have a lot of normalcy in my life too. We are all human. We laugh, we cry (even over post-Thanksgiving flub and mushy texts from friends). Emotions are one the most beautiful things that God gave us. 

I normally hated experiencing any type of difficult emotion, and frankly JOY was not an emotion at the top of my list. However, for the first time in my life....I think I have reached a point of elation. I love who God has made me, no matter what the circumstances are. I love the people he has thrown into my life. My heart has never been so full of love...it's pretty awesome.

This time of the year is so majestic isn't it?

Accepting the Gray

I have gone through quite a few exposure sessions, and up until last week I was appreciating the process. I was letting my emotions shine through, which is typically something I find difficult to do when discussing my own experience considering I have learned to compartmentalize so well.  I thought letting that happen was okay.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Supposedly, because my emotions were heightened, due to me trying to get in touch with my younger self, it was actually deterring from the goal of exposure: To be able to gain control over your emotions when revisiting thoughts of trauma. This means that when I have a rather intense flashback or nightmare I can stay grounded and be able to pass through it without an issue.

You see, even if through my exposure sessions, I was still letting my "little girl" out, it has improved my overall status tremendously. Regardless of being a bit raw the day of exposure sessions, I have not had as many intrusive thoughts or nightmares since beginning PET. I'd say that is progress.

Yet, according to my therapist, I really wasn't making progress because my emotional state was still the same while going through those iconic scenes in detail, no matter how many times I went through them. Well, I'm sorry, but I would prefer not to be a robot when discussing my experience, especially when it took me so long to let those emotions come out!

I was asked to go through my story like I was reading the newspaper...I wasn't too happy about that. I'm not entirely sure why, because I do understand the whole theory behind it...but it just seemed detached to me. Almost as if, going through it that way, invalidated it somehow. I know that my thoughts don't make any sense because it isn't as if being hysterical is necessarily appropriate when discussing a trauma, but neither is sounding like a reporter. UNLESS you are discussing something in third person.

I compartmentalize all the time through my work at the YWCA and just in general when it comes to Sexual Assault. If I wasn't able to do that, I'd be a mess. However, part of the reason I became the way that I am (having Borderline) is because I shut off my emotions for so long.

Don't get me wrong, my therapist isn't telling me on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being absolutely hysterical or dissociative) to be like at a 0 or 1...She isn't telling me to have no emotion during these sessions. Yet, when she told me to read it like a reporter, that is what it sounded like to me. I have trouble finding a healthy balance.

Let me explain.

To me, you either have an emotional reaction to something or you don't. To have a semi-emotional reaction is new to me. Like to be able to cry, while also being strong, is not entirely something I learned how to do. Being at a 5 or 6 on the emotional scale seems weird to me. I'm either on or off...black or white.

I suppose me being upset over this whole thing is just realizing that I have to learn to be more human and accept that it is okay to be strong while showing emotion, even negative emotions. I am determined to start accepting the gray in my life. I believe I already have, I just haven't realized it till this past week.

Why I'm Thankful for a Crappy Year

Another year passes by, and here I am still breathing...which I never thought could be possible given my circumstances earlier this year. As we pass the time of year where we start listing off what we are thankful for, I am brought to near tears, because honestly I am thankful for everything that has happened to me in the past 365 days.

From changing my lifestyle to be a more healthier and fit woman to confronting the darkest moments of my life and not stepping over the edge. I never thought a year ago that my life was going to hit "rock bottom" so to speak, but I'm sure glad it did, because had it not, I might not know what it was truly like to live the life that was intended for me.

A series of events led me to where I am now starting with the mental breakdown late last year to the near suicide a few months later. Throughout that time I was led to my physician who realized enough about me that I wasn't okay...who called me and said she was praying for me. I am thankful for God placing this woman in my life. She is who led me to my therapist and why I am on this amazing journey of empowerment.

On that note, I am thankful for my therapist, who was the first one who was stubborn enough to match my stubbornness and never gave up...and still doesn't. Although she credits the work to me not walking out, I still have to be grateful for her presence and resilience. Had I not continued to walk through her door, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with BPD, which provided so much clarity for me when exploring my struggles through life.

Without that diagnosis, I would not have entered into Dialectical Behavior Therapy...and without DBT I would not have met some amazing people. One of them whom I believe will be a great friend for a long time. On top of that I wouldn't have gained the skills to stand up for myself and converse openly with people. Additionally, I wouldn't have gained the ability to lean on my family as much as I have.

My parents, my husband, and other members of my family have been huge supporters of my journey not to mention my necessity to fight against sexual violence. I feel that my experience has finally been validated, and as uncomfortable as it is for those closest to me, they aren't going to ignore the pain that will always be there.

Without these changes I wouldn't have returned to the church, and found a church family that accepts me for EVERYTHING that I am. Which is how it should be...I have become a part of the worship team and utilized the gift of music that was bestowed upon me in a way that is fitting. These are the things I believe I was meant to do.

I still don't know what is in store for me...because we never really know. However, I do know that I am on the path that was meant for me the moment I was first touched by the evil that existed in my childhood. I will always use it for good, and I hope that through my blogging and music that I have provided some solace for those who suffer silently.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"

Local University Puts on Raw Performance to Spread Awareness

This past weekend, I had the honor of attending an event called The Jane Doe Project. It is a performance put on once a year by a local university, Aquinas, and it consists of stories from students, alumni, and faculty who are survivors of assault & abuse (including sexual). Every year more monologues are written as more survivors come forward, and each year it becomes more powerful.

Awareness has always been my main platform, so being able to watch these students passionately portray the stories of survivors made me proud to be an advocate and a survivor who fights day in and day out for this very cause. I only wish that the entire community could have been there to hear the rawness enveloped in these monologues.

Telling these stories isn't just about memorizing lines or even acting well. It is about the ability to empathize with the survivor; to be in touch with the pain they experienced. It is no easy task, especially since the emotions associated with assault and abuse are overwhelming just to hear about let alone experience them.  This cast did a wonderful job and should be commended for the risk it took to put on a performance with such uncomfortable and controversial topics.

There is a part of me that wishes I could hug some of these survivors in the story, or at least know how they are doing now. One of them had recalled an experience with a therapist who questioned whether the survivor's sexual identity was tied to the abuse she encountered. For me that was difficult to hear, simply because I know that you could go through all the trauma therapy in the world, but it wouldn't command your sexual identity. That can be so psychologically damaging to someone who is trying to work through a trauma. In any case, I hope this survivor has found some peace, whoever and where ever she is.

What attending this event has shown me, is that there are other people like me, even in my own city, fighting for awareness, and I hope I can be involved with them in the future. I believe there will be a ripple effect from this performance, but it is up to us to keep pushing for awareness!