Why I'm Thankful for a Crappy Year

Another year passes by, and here I am still breathing...which I never thought could be possible given my circumstances earlier this year. As we pass the time of year where we start listing off what we are thankful for, I am brought to near tears, because honestly I am thankful for everything that has happened to me in the past 365 days.

From changing my lifestyle to be a more healthier and fit woman to confronting the darkest moments of my life and not stepping over the edge. I never thought a year ago that my life was going to hit "rock bottom" so to speak, but I'm sure glad it did, because had it not, I might not know what it was truly like to live the life that was intended for me.

A series of events led me to where I am now starting with the mental breakdown late last year to the near suicide a few months later. Throughout that time I was led to my physician who realized enough about me that I wasn't okay...who called me and said she was praying for me. I am thankful for God placing this woman in my life. She is who led me to my therapist and why I am on this amazing journey of empowerment.

On that note, I am thankful for my therapist, who was the first one who was stubborn enough to match my stubbornness and never gave up...and still doesn't. Although she credits the work to me not walking out, I still have to be grateful for her presence and resilience. Had I not continued to walk through her door, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with BPD, which provided so much clarity for me when exploring my struggles through life.

Without that diagnosis, I would not have entered into Dialectical Behavior Therapy...and without DBT I would not have met some amazing people. One of them whom I believe will be a great friend for a long time. On top of that I wouldn't have gained the skills to stand up for myself and converse openly with people. Additionally, I wouldn't have gained the ability to lean on my family as much as I have.

My parents, my husband, and other members of my family have been huge supporters of my journey not to mention my necessity to fight against sexual violence. I feel that my experience has finally been validated, and as uncomfortable as it is for those closest to me, they aren't going to ignore the pain that will always be there.

Without these changes I wouldn't have returned to the church, and found a church family that accepts me for EVERYTHING that I am. Which is how it should be...I have become a part of the worship team and utilized the gift of music that was bestowed upon me in a way that is fitting. These are the things I believe I was meant to do.

I still don't know what is in store for me...because we never really know. However, I do know that I am on the path that was meant for me the moment I was first touched by the evil that existed in my childhood. I will always use it for good, and I hope that through my blogging and music that I have provided some solace for those who suffer silently.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"

Local University Puts on Raw Performance to Spread Awareness

This past weekend, I had the honor of attending an event called The Jane Doe Project. It is a performance put on once a year by a local university, Aquinas, and it consists of stories from students, alumni, and faculty who are survivors of assault & abuse (including sexual). Every year more monologues are written as more survivors come forward, and each year it becomes more powerful.

Awareness has always been my main platform, so being able to watch these students passionately portray the stories of survivors made me proud to be an advocate and a survivor who fights day in and day out for this very cause. I only wish that the entire community could have been there to hear the rawness enveloped in these monologues.

Telling these stories isn't just about memorizing lines or even acting well. It is about the ability to empathize with the survivor; to be in touch with the pain they experienced. It is no easy task, especially since the emotions associated with assault and abuse are overwhelming just to hear about let alone experience them.  This cast did a wonderful job and should be commended for the risk it took to put on a performance with such uncomfortable and controversial topics.

There is a part of me that wishes I could hug some of these survivors in the story, or at least know how they are doing now. One of them had recalled an experience with a therapist who questioned whether the survivor's sexual identity was tied to the abuse she encountered. For me that was difficult to hear, simply because I know that you could go through all the trauma therapy in the world, but it wouldn't command your sexual identity. That can be so psychologically damaging to someone who is trying to work through a trauma. In any case, I hope this survivor has found some peace, whoever and where ever she is.

What attending this event has shown me, is that there are other people like me, even in my own city, fighting for awareness, and I hope I can be involved with them in the future. I believe there will be a ripple effect from this performance, but it is up to us to keep pushing for awareness!

It is Time to Start Asking, "How?"

This is the second time I have tried writing a post, having already deleted almost an entire page's worth of text, because I felt like I was just playing word vomit. I'm entirely positive that I was just typing the first thing that came to mind and in turn, when reading it back, it sounded like incoherent mess.

It isn't as if I don't have any inspiration for this week's post, I just have way too much and can't pinpoint the one thing I want to discuss. This past week has been chock-full of accomplishments and huge emotional releases. I finished my advocate training, and because of that, my long-term goals are finally on track. I relinquished a little bit more of myself to close friends, which is slowly starting to unravel a continuous burden I seem to carry daily. On top of those things, I started Prolonged Exposure Therapy.

What is interesting...is that I feel awesome.

When you start digging deep inside of yourself, and pulling out all the crud that has been festering, there is a ridiculous amount of pain, yet the amount of enlightenment you receive in the end outweighs any negativity.  That is where I am. 

This is more than just exploring my trauma. It is every bit of "Dana," that I hid so deep, I didn't think I'd ever let it loose. These parts of me aren't even necessarily bad...they are just quiet. However, as I become more brave in revealing myself, I start to realize that things are looking up. All of this is incredibly scary, but mostly rewarding.

I don't know if my whole "take each day at a time" motto has helped me stomach the stresses of life easier, or just knowing that I am human, and being human isn't a walk in the park. I just know, in the end, something always balances it out. 

So many times we ask, "Why?" and it gets us no where. It is time to start asking, "How?"

HOW will you take the bad you encountered and use it to empower yourself, and others to become better people. We have been given a rare chance to restore humanity by truly embracing the term "survivor." Being a survivor means more than just rising from the ashes:  

It means breaking down the walls of mythology that keep us from healing.
It means ending the cycle of violence by taking responsibility for our own baggage.
It means helping as many victims as we can BECOME survivors.
It means being a voice for those who have none.

Don't let your own perceptions of bravery get in the way of letting yourself be heard. We all are brave in our own ways.  I have been told numerous times that I am "so brave" and "extremely outspoken" and while those may be true, I also have plenty of haters who say I'm "seeking attention" or "irresponsible" and "unintelligent." 

My point is, you don't have to have a blog to be brave. You don't even have to vocalize your story if you don't want to, because chances are you have already chosen to outlet your pain in some other fashion that is changing people's lives. I dare you to look at the changes you have made, and the people you have impacted. Don't be surprised if it has increased.

I understand this might sound like poppycock, but I see it in plenty of survivors around me who may not be as outspoken. Everyone has a super-power of their own. It sounds cheesy, but I think it is absolutely true.

What started off as a post of brief updating ended up with me getting on my usual soapbox of advocacy. 

I love everyone. 

BUYER BEWARE!

Victim-blaming.

We all do it. Don't even try and say that you don't, because as humans we are institutionalized to do it. When you hear a story about a campus rape at a party and the first thing you think or say is "Why did she even drink?" or "Why would she dress like that to a party?" it is victim-blaming.  

It is what establishes the mythology behind rape and other forms of assault. It is what causes cases to be dropped even when there is empirical evidence. It is why society is uneducated and in turn scared. It is why survivors are afraid to come forward. It is also why people like me, while being stated as "brave" and "beautiful" for talking openly about my trauma, experience strain in social environments.

Before this week, I never even thought it was possible that my ability to be open about my history would cloud a person's ability to connect with me, but there is a first time for everything. I am not talking about a conversation with a stranger going sour because I say "Hey, guess what happened to me!" We all know I'm not like that. Yet, as my blog has made quite the rounds, there are people I have conversed freely with that I didn't even know read my blog.

I don't sit here and wonder about what people think about me in regards to my history because if I was afraid of judgments, then it would be quite pointless to have been public in sharing my story. Furthermore being a Speakers Bureau Member for RAINN and a victim advocate would just be silly if I truly was concerned about people's beliefs behind my trauma.

I don't care, because every time I open my mouth, I am fighting the continuing mythology behind experiences like mine.

In any case, there are people that have reservations about me because of who I am and what happened, and that is a real shame. There is this sense me being "damaged goods" or "tainted." Well shit! If people think like that, it is no wonder victims self-blame! It is such a dangerous line of thinking when you are friends with someone who is a survivor, so if you think that way, you better check yourself. 

We are not broken. We are not tainted. Our lives may have been morphed or shaped because of our experiences but we do not become our trauma. For a moment this week, I thought:

Maybe it's true....Perhaps I should walk around with a sign that says WARNING: TAINTED MEAT! BUYER BEWARE!!!

Uh no.

I am the way God made me and that's cool. I love being who I am, and frankly going through what I went through kind of certifies me as an official bad-ass. So deal with it.