I apologize for being absent from the blogging world for a couple of weeks. I had to take some time to process a few things before I could write effectively. Sometimes, things happen that warp your sense of trust in the social world, and it takes a couple of laps around the rational pool to recognize that there is so much more than focusing on temporary pain.
Alas, I have returned to the fun-loving Dana that everyone adores! I have my guard up, and my trust circle and that is okay with me.
The other reason I haven't blogged is because the past few weeks have been absent of DBT and for the most part my individual sessions. It has been rather stagnant in life realizations other than the major one I came across a couple weeks ago. My social life was also pretty much gone until this week.
Something else about this week, besides getting back into the swing of things, is that it marks the one-year anniversary of when I hit rock-bottom. It is a big milestone for me to have come this far and I am so thankful for the amount of support I have gathered since then. I formed a great alliance among close friends and family.
On top of that, I recently have been blessed with even more support from a community that is near to my heart, simply because they stand with me on all the changes that I hope one day can and will happen throughout this country and world.
I used to struggle so much because I grew up with this black and white mentality, as I have mentioned before. When you start to realize, not everything is black and white....it starts to make things clearer. You stop asking why and just start living. That is what I have been doing. I am aware that I may not be on everyone's side, because that is frankly impossible.
Trying to please everyone in your life is just not feasible. When you start to look inside yourself for what YOUR views are, and align yourself with the people who agree, it is loads easier than trying to conform to something you don't feel right about.
There will not be a day that I don't thank God for being blessed with a man, my best friend, who stands by me no matter who I am. His constant support and reminder to me that one can only live in the present, to worry about tomorrow is pointless, helps ground me constantly. When I start concerning myself with how I'm going to face certain situations I deep down know will be dreadful, he reminds me that for the few people I may lose in my life, I have a multitude more who are there on the sidelines waiting to hold my hand.
One year later...and I now know I am me.
" Loving every soul: beautiful, imaginative, and noble."
Friday, January 16, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
The Most Important Lesson I Learned in 2014
So, I was quite the giddy adult going into the days before Christmas, and I woke up Christmas Eve morning with a hop in my step and a warmth in my heart that I was sure could never be diminished. By the time December 30th rolled around, I was positive that I had been tested in some shape or form on my ability to manage a multitude of triggering events.
The first minor setback in enjoying the holiday season was the very fact that toddlers are unaware of what day it is, let alone when they will be cutting a very intense molar. My poor handsome baby boy had a miserable Christmas, and that poured right onto mommy. He wouldn't eat or nap because he was in so much pain, which then led an emotional Dana because I had no idea how to fix the problem at hand.
On top of that, my niece was very sick with Croup, which made for a difficult holiday for my brother and sister-in-law. My eldest brother got the Flu and it appears more of my family members are ill. Being sick is rather frustrating, but when you are supposed to be enjoying your vacation, and you are coughing and vomiting instead, it's like a slap in the face.
While these unfortunate events toned down the joy that I was trying to hold on to this year, it was no comparison to the ultimate test that hit me a couple days ago.
I recently have written about becoming more vulnerable and allowing myself to feel positive emotions and start opening myself up to others. This is something that is fairly new to me because early on I trained myself to "go in my shell," so to speak, before there was even a chance that I would get hurt. It has been very empowering to let my guard down and get closer to powerful emotions. Whether it be through Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or perhaps opening my heart to someone, it has been quite the journey.
A couple days ago I was blind-sided by a sudden detachment from somebody I care about and had been vulnerable with. I shouldn't ever expect a positive result from vulnerability, or "daring greatly" as Brene Brown would call it, but I also don't expect to be "left out in the cold." Abandonment to me is the most intense trigger of emotional turmoil. Unless you have similar issues, you might not understand.
I'd prefer not to go into detail, because it really isn't important to the post I am writing other than the fact that I learned a powerful lesson through this. Being vulnerable is a complicated and empowering, but mostly incredible painful process. This week I cried the hardest I have in a while, and while some people may have been uncomfortable with my 12 hours of anger and dismay, had I not let myself sit in those tears, I may be worse off now.
Don't be afraid to let the tears flow. We are human and emotions are there to tell us something important. I was hurt, deeply, and I may not be able to bounce back completely from that, but at least I know I bounced back.
The first minor setback in enjoying the holiday season was the very fact that toddlers are unaware of what day it is, let alone when they will be cutting a very intense molar. My poor handsome baby boy had a miserable Christmas, and that poured right onto mommy. He wouldn't eat or nap because he was in so much pain, which then led an emotional Dana because I had no idea how to fix the problem at hand.
On top of that, my niece was very sick with Croup, which made for a difficult holiday for my brother and sister-in-law. My eldest brother got the Flu and it appears more of my family members are ill. Being sick is rather frustrating, but when you are supposed to be enjoying your vacation, and you are coughing and vomiting instead, it's like a slap in the face.
While these unfortunate events toned down the joy that I was trying to hold on to this year, it was no comparison to the ultimate test that hit me a couple days ago.
I recently have written about becoming more vulnerable and allowing myself to feel positive emotions and start opening myself up to others. This is something that is fairly new to me because early on I trained myself to "go in my shell," so to speak, before there was even a chance that I would get hurt. It has been very empowering to let my guard down and get closer to powerful emotions. Whether it be through Prolonged Exposure Therapy, or perhaps opening my heart to someone, it has been quite the journey.
A couple days ago I was blind-sided by a sudden detachment from somebody I care about and had been vulnerable with. I shouldn't ever expect a positive result from vulnerability, or "daring greatly" as Brene Brown would call it, but I also don't expect to be "left out in the cold." Abandonment to me is the most intense trigger of emotional turmoil. Unless you have similar issues, you might not understand.
I'd prefer not to go into detail, because it really isn't important to the post I am writing other than the fact that I learned a powerful lesson through this. Being vulnerable is a complicated and empowering, but mostly incredible painful process. This week I cried the hardest I have in a while, and while some people may have been uncomfortable with my 12 hours of anger and dismay, had I not let myself sit in those tears, I may be worse off now.
Don't be afraid to let the tears flow. We are human and emotions are there to tell us something important. I was hurt, deeply, and I may not be able to bounce back completely from that, but at least I know I bounced back.
Friday, December 19, 2014
The Best Christmas Yet
As you get older, the excitement over the Holiday Season tends to wither away as the need to materialize our affection for others grows greater and greater. We buy into the hype of stressing over purchasing the right gift and budgeting until we cry ourselves to sleep, but why? Why do we do this?
I grew up surrounded by very selfless people. My Abuelo Cepero (he passed in 2010...the most amazing man on the face of this earth) was always putting others first, and I never forgot that. At times, it was hard to watch, because I believe there were those who unfortunately took advantage of his giving nature. My mother inherited the selfless gene from him. She goes above and beyond almost to the point of exhaustion. I love you Mom, but you do sometimes take on more than you should! However, I respect and love you so much for this...and this is why:
I'm no different.
I have had numerous people say I'm insane, including Greg and my therapist (jokingly), because I take on so many things voluntarily just in order to help people. I technically have four jobs...only one that I get legitimately paid for...and that one does not give me the satisfaction the others do. I would rather work 55 hours a week doing advocacy work pro-bono than anything else that may pay a decent amount without the ability to help people.
When it comes to materialistic things, as much as I inherited my father's love for new gadgets, gizmos, and instruments....I much more prefer to bless others with gifts above myself. My grandfather would always be trying to help me monetarily during my teen years by offering up a 20-dollar-bill for gas or as he said " 'ahm-BURgers"and every time I would push the money away. Of course he would shove it back at me and get angry if I didn't accept it.
When I first started therapy, I was actually scolded because I refused help in any way. When our insurance switched over to a very high-deductible plan, the only way I could afford therapy without draining our savings, was to accept assistance. I felt horrible that I even had to do that, because yet again, my pride got in the way. I figured "I'm strong enough! I don't need therapy...other people need that money more!"
My therapist just kept reminding me how important it was to continue therapy. Hurting my pride is not as bad as not healing and maybe losing myself in the process.
My marriage is often tricky because with a lot of things my husband and I are both selfless, so we never really speak up when it comes to what we really want. Especially around this time of the year. Greg is usually so busy working that he doesn't have time to go shopping for me, which I don't really care, but then he compensates by letting me just get whatever I want for like half the year. It's silly really. I usually have a lot of time to shop...so I just keep getting him surprises...and then that makes him feel even worse.
This year...is different.
For the first time, I have decided not to let my pride get in the way. This doesn't mean I'm being the opposite and being greedy. I'm just not going to feel bad when people overload me with gifts and love, because I realized, it probably hurts them when I am overwhelmed with gratitude and find it hard to accept their gift. I know with how I love to give, if someone says "this is too much, I can't accept it," it does sting a little.
Once again I have realized you can live in the gray area and not be judged. You can give and love giving, while enjoying the benefits of receiving as well. So I vow to be as excited when my son opens up his new ukulele as I will be when I open up mine (even though I already know I'm getting it. THANKS MOM AND DAD!)
This is going to be the best Christmas yet.
On a more serious note, there are gifts I have received that are more rewarding than anything anyone could buy for me:
I grew up surrounded by very selfless people. My Abuelo Cepero (he passed in 2010...the most amazing man on the face of this earth) was always putting others first, and I never forgot that. At times, it was hard to watch, because I believe there were those who unfortunately took advantage of his giving nature. My mother inherited the selfless gene from him. She goes above and beyond almost to the point of exhaustion. I love you Mom, but you do sometimes take on more than you should! However, I respect and love you so much for this...and this is why:
I'm no different.
I have had numerous people say I'm insane, including Greg and my therapist (jokingly), because I take on so many things voluntarily just in order to help people. I technically have four jobs...only one that I get legitimately paid for...and that one does not give me the satisfaction the others do. I would rather work 55 hours a week doing advocacy work pro-bono than anything else that may pay a decent amount without the ability to help people.
When it comes to materialistic things, as much as I inherited my father's love for new gadgets, gizmos, and instruments....I much more prefer to bless others with gifts above myself. My grandfather would always be trying to help me monetarily during my teen years by offering up a 20-dollar-bill for gas or as he said " 'ahm-BURgers"and every time I would push the money away. Of course he would shove it back at me and get angry if I didn't accept it.
When I first started therapy, I was actually scolded because I refused help in any way. When our insurance switched over to a very high-deductible plan, the only way I could afford therapy without draining our savings, was to accept assistance. I felt horrible that I even had to do that, because yet again, my pride got in the way. I figured "I'm strong enough! I don't need therapy...other people need that money more!"
My therapist just kept reminding me how important it was to continue therapy. Hurting my pride is not as bad as not healing and maybe losing myself in the process.
My marriage is often tricky because with a lot of things my husband and I are both selfless, so we never really speak up when it comes to what we really want. Especially around this time of the year. Greg is usually so busy working that he doesn't have time to go shopping for me, which I don't really care, but then he compensates by letting me just get whatever I want for like half the year. It's silly really. I usually have a lot of time to shop...so I just keep getting him surprises...and then that makes him feel even worse.
This year...is different.
For the first time, I have decided not to let my pride get in the way. This doesn't mean I'm being the opposite and being greedy. I'm just not going to feel bad when people overload me with gifts and love, because I realized, it probably hurts them when I am overwhelmed with gratitude and find it hard to accept their gift. I know with how I love to give, if someone says "this is too much, I can't accept it," it does sting a little.
Once again I have realized you can live in the gray area and not be judged. You can give and love giving, while enjoying the benefits of receiving as well. So I vow to be as excited when my son opens up his new ukulele as I will be when I open up mine (even though I already know I'm getting it. THANKS MOM AND DAD!)
This is going to be the best Christmas yet.
On a more serious note, there are gifts I have received that are more rewarding than anything anyone could buy for me:
- One of them is the chance at fighting for my life that my therapist bestowed on me by pushing me, yet validating my every emotion and thought. She has truly been a blessing, regardless of the fact that it takes the work on my part, there are few people who can drill through my shell of stubbornness and she is one of them.
- Another is the amount of new friends that God has blessed me with that have helped me through a transition I am going through at the moment, and have stuck by me and not judged me in the least bit.
- The last, but not least, is for Greg. Ever since a year ago, when I started falling apart, he has become the most supportive person in my life. Even though I can't give him everything he might need, simply because of how I'm wired, he continues to give everything he can to me. I promise you this, had I married ANY other person, they would have left by now. He has never judged. Only loved. Thank you Greg.
Friday, December 12, 2014
A Letter to My Rapist: One Year Later (Some Sensitive Material)
If you have read any of my posts from April, then you might be familiar with my post titled A Letter to My Rapist: The Reality of a Victim's Rage. The original letter was composed the day I came across my abuser on Facebook, which I never thought I'd have to see his face again, so even though it may not seem as a shock to most, it was a brick thrown at my very soul.
Tomorrow (December 13) is the one-year anniversary of when I saw him, so I decided to write him another letter, just to show how much more empowered I have become. I don't say that to boast, because it isn't something that comes easily, yet it is something that every survivor can and hopefully will achieve in their healing process.
Below is what I had to say:
It has been a year since I saw your face and the earth beneath me shattered. 18 years of bottling up what you did to me became pointless as details pushed into the forefront of my mind.
I tried so hard to drown your voice...the words constantly reminding me of my worthlessness and endless desire to prove love through sex. You won...but only for a moment.
Unfortunately for you, I happen to be blessed with people in my life who stepped in before it was too late. I decided almost a year ago it was time to stop letting you dictate my worth and ability to feel love.
After months of working my ass off in therapy, I finally stopped validating your control. Now, some of those darkest memories are loosening their grip on my persona.
I am finally me...the person God intended me to be from the day I entered this world: The empowered woman he knew I'd become from the first time you laid on top of me.
Now, I know what it's like to love without needing to prove it. Can you believe, up until recently, I had no idea how love was SUPPOSED to feel?
To think, it was you who did that to me...you had that much of a hold on me!
I never knew the rush of warmth through your chest, legs, toes, cheeks, and eyes when you feel loved. The overwhelming tears of happiness when someone cares for you as much as you care for them. I had no idea what that was because I always jumped straight to sex.
I am finally experiencing emotions in the way they were meant to be experienced...and with that...I think i can say I am free from you.
I will never forget, and never stop fighting for those who have been violated like I was, but I'm done giving you any bit of power.
I hope one day you will look back and realize that you created an empowering survivor, not a victim.
Tomorrow is the actual one-year date from when I started falling apart from seeing you. I thought I would be a wreck this weekend, and wallow in my past misery. Instead, I choose to spent it with people who make me feel loved. I get to hangout with someone who makes me smile, and has proven to me that all emotions are beautiful...that I can love and be loved...that I am beautiful despite your invalidation. These are the type of people I have in my life now. These are the people that matter.I hope those of you who have been with me from the beginning see how important self-care really is through my healing process. If you know anyone who is struggling, be sure to push them in the right direction, because they need you. If you have any questions feel free to inbox me on my Facebook page here.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Oh, Hey! I'm a Normal Person...
I have experienced so many emotions in the past week, I don't even know where to begin. Well...I guess from the beginning?
So Thanksgiving was amazing, and for the first time ever, I actually sat and enjoyed the food. I didn't think about calories, or stress, or anything that could hinder me from soaking in the glorious feast in front of me. BUT SEE...I have two Thanksgivings. One at my mom's...and the next day at my dad's.
I ate so much.
No, you don't even understand....
In any case, I didn't think too much of it until I decided to weigh myself late last week.
BAD IDEA! BAD BAD BAD IDEA....
I cried.
Granted, it wasn't like I had reverted back to my pre-running self. I hadn't even put on inches per say...and yes! I know the number means absolutely nothing....trust me. It doesn't matter though, because all it takes is just that hint of doubt...oh not to mention being a hormonal maniac once a month, to throw me over the edge.
That lasted about two days. Then I got over myself because I happen to have a mother who says cool things like "It's easier to maintain than obtain." So I just cracked the whip and started being strict with myself again.
I know, who cares about all this right? Well I do! Because, when I am running and balancing my diet, I'm pretty darn happy.
Okay, that was explaining my first cry of the week. That cry was a self-pity cry. The second cry was more, "Holy cow...all the feels in the world crashing down and my heart is exploding" kind of cry.
I don't really know how to break down why I even started to bawl like a baby on the couch while texting a friend, eating Fruit Loops...and watching Greg play his XBOX other than the fact that a close friend of mine was overly sweet in her text....and I lost it? I think that whole once a month hormonal thing may have gotten in the way again.
Why am I telling these silly stories when I typically am talking about serious stuff? Because I'm here to remind you that I have a lot of normalcy in my life too. We are all human. We laugh, we cry (even over post-Thanksgiving flub and mushy texts from friends). Emotions are one the most beautiful things that God gave us.
I normally hated experiencing any type of difficult emotion, and frankly JOY was not an emotion at the top of my list. However, for the first time in my life....I think I have reached a point of elation. I love who God has made me, no matter what the circumstances are. I love the people he has thrown into my life. My heart has never been so full of love...it's pretty awesome.
This time of the year is so majestic isn't it?
Tuesday, December 2, 2014
Accepting the Gray
I have gone through quite a few exposure sessions, and up until last week I was appreciating the process. I was letting my emotions shine through, which is typically something I find difficult to do when discussing my own experience considering I have learned to compartmentalize so well. I thought letting that happen was okay.
Apparently, I was wrong.
Supposedly, because my emotions were heightened, due to me trying to get in touch with my younger self, it was actually deterring from the goal of exposure: To be able to gain control over your emotions when revisiting thoughts of trauma. This means that when I have a rather intense flashback or nightmare I can stay grounded and be able to pass through it without an issue.
You see, even if through my exposure sessions, I was still letting my "little girl" out, it has improved my overall status tremendously. Regardless of being a bit raw the day of exposure sessions, I have not had as many intrusive thoughts or nightmares since beginning PET. I'd say that is progress.
Yet, according to my therapist, I really wasn't making progress because my emotional state was still the same while going through those iconic scenes in detail, no matter how many times I went through them. Well, I'm sorry, but I would prefer not to be a robot when discussing my experience, especially when it took me so long to let those emotions come out!
I was asked to go through my story like I was reading the newspaper...I wasn't too happy about that. I'm not entirely sure why, because I do understand the whole theory behind it...but it just seemed detached to me. Almost as if, going through it that way, invalidated it somehow. I know that my thoughts don't make any sense because it isn't as if being hysterical is necessarily appropriate when discussing a trauma, but neither is sounding like a reporter. UNLESS you are discussing something in third person.
I compartmentalize all the time through my work at the YWCA and just in general when it comes to Sexual Assault. If I wasn't able to do that, I'd be a mess. However, part of the reason I became the way that I am (having Borderline) is because I shut off my emotions for so long.
Don't get me wrong, my therapist isn't telling me on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being absolutely hysterical or dissociative) to be like at a 0 or 1...She isn't telling me to have no emotion during these sessions. Yet, when she told me to read it like a reporter, that is what it sounded like to me. I have trouble finding a healthy balance.
Let me explain.
To me, you either have an emotional reaction to something or you don't. To have a semi-emotional reaction is new to me. Like to be able to cry, while also being strong, is not entirely something I learned how to do. Being at a 5 or 6 on the emotional scale seems weird to me. I'm either on or off...black or white.
I suppose me being upset over this whole thing is just realizing that I have to learn to be more human and accept that it is okay to be strong while showing emotion, even negative emotions. I am determined to start accepting the gray in my life. I believe I already have, I just haven't realized it till this past week.
Apparently, I was wrong.
Supposedly, because my emotions were heightened, due to me trying to get in touch with my younger self, it was actually deterring from the goal of exposure: To be able to gain control over your emotions when revisiting thoughts of trauma. This means that when I have a rather intense flashback or nightmare I can stay grounded and be able to pass through it without an issue.
You see, even if through my exposure sessions, I was still letting my "little girl" out, it has improved my overall status tremendously. Regardless of being a bit raw the day of exposure sessions, I have not had as many intrusive thoughts or nightmares since beginning PET. I'd say that is progress.
Yet, according to my therapist, I really wasn't making progress because my emotional state was still the same while going through those iconic scenes in detail, no matter how many times I went through them. Well, I'm sorry, but I would prefer not to be a robot when discussing my experience, especially when it took me so long to let those emotions come out!
I was asked to go through my story like I was reading the newspaper...I wasn't too happy about that. I'm not entirely sure why, because I do understand the whole theory behind it...but it just seemed detached to me. Almost as if, going through it that way, invalidated it somehow. I know that my thoughts don't make any sense because it isn't as if being hysterical is necessarily appropriate when discussing a trauma, but neither is sounding like a reporter. UNLESS you are discussing something in third person.
I compartmentalize all the time through my work at the YWCA and just in general when it comes to Sexual Assault. If I wasn't able to do that, I'd be a mess. However, part of the reason I became the way that I am (having Borderline) is because I shut off my emotions for so long.
Don't get me wrong, my therapist isn't telling me on a scale of 1-10 (with 10 being absolutely hysterical or dissociative) to be like at a 0 or 1...She isn't telling me to have no emotion during these sessions. Yet, when she told me to read it like a reporter, that is what it sounded like to me. I have trouble finding a healthy balance.
Let me explain.
To me, you either have an emotional reaction to something or you don't. To have a semi-emotional reaction is new to me. Like to be able to cry, while also being strong, is not entirely something I learned how to do. Being at a 5 or 6 on the emotional scale seems weird to me. I'm either on or off...black or white.
I suppose me being upset over this whole thing is just realizing that I have to learn to be more human and accept that it is okay to be strong while showing emotion, even negative emotions. I am determined to start accepting the gray in my life. I believe I already have, I just haven't realized it till this past week.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Why I'm Thankful for a Crappy Year
Another year passes by, and here I am still breathing...which I never thought could be possible given my circumstances earlier this year. As we pass the time of year where we start listing off what we are thankful for, I am brought to near tears, because honestly I am thankful for everything that has happened to me in the past 365 days.
From changing my lifestyle to be a more healthier and fit woman to confronting the darkest moments of my life and not stepping over the edge. I never thought a year ago that my life was going to hit "rock bottom" so to speak, but I'm sure glad it did, because had it not, I might not know what it was truly like to live the life that was intended for me.
A series of events led me to where I am now starting with the mental breakdown late last year to the near suicide a few months later. Throughout that time I was led to my physician who realized enough about me that I wasn't okay...who called me and said she was praying for me. I am thankful for God placing this woman in my life. She is who led me to my therapist and why I am on this amazing journey of empowerment.
On that note, I am thankful for my therapist, who was the first one who was stubborn enough to match my stubbornness and never gave up...and still doesn't. Although she credits the work to me not walking out, I still have to be grateful for her presence and resilience. Had I not continued to walk through her door, I wouldn't have been diagnosed with BPD, which provided so much clarity for me when exploring my struggles through life.
Without that diagnosis, I would not have entered into Dialectical Behavior Therapy...and without DBT I would not have met some amazing people. One of them whom I believe will be a great friend for a long time. On top of that I wouldn't have gained the skills to stand up for myself and converse openly with people. Additionally, I wouldn't have gained the ability to lean on my family as much as I have.
My parents, my husband, and other members of my family have been huge supporters of my journey not to mention my necessity to fight against sexual violence. I feel that my experience has finally been validated, and as uncomfortable as it is for those closest to me, they aren't going to ignore the pain that will always be there.
Without these changes I wouldn't have returned to the church, and found a church family that accepts me for EVERYTHING that I am. Which is how it should be...I have become a part of the worship team and utilized the gift of music that was bestowed upon me in a way that is fitting. These are the things I believe I was meant to do.
I still don't know what is in store for me...because we never really know. However, I do know that I am on the path that was meant for me the moment I was first touched by the evil that existed in my childhood. I will always use it for good, and I hope that through my blogging and music that I have provided some solace for those who suffer silently.
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)