The End: For Now

In the time since I have last opened myself to the world, I have become a completely different person.

Disclosure is not something I can accomplish at this time.

I have a new career, new relationships, and new long-term goals.

Frankly, despite the many positive transformations in my life, I am no longer in a position to share that part of me.

I have thought endlessly how I would sever the tie from my blog, and the words escape me every time.

Thank you for everyone who has followed me on my journey and maybe one day I will again inspire those to use their voice and empower themselves.

I'll be back! ;-)

Step Forward into Growth

I'm a person of conviction.

When I say or do something, I don't do it half-heartedly. 

Many times in my life, people have perceived my decisions as impulsive, and I agree that during my teenager and early adult years, I made some mistakes based on instant gratification. However, as of late, that is not the case.

Only a few people really know the full story behind my life choices, and no one else really needs to because there comes a point in time, that no matter how open you are (especially if you are an autobiographical blogger), that your personal life is yours alone.

This past week, I was open publicly about my support of the LGBT community and my own sexuality, and while it may have hurt those who wanted me to remain cloaked, I didn't do it for the glory. I did it because it was an important step I had to take to show my support when it comes to equality across the board.

The questions started pouring in and as I answered them I was aware the judgements would start appearing at the same time. No matter your conviction, some things cut deeply.

This isn't about my sexuality, or the choices I have made (which a general reminder, no one knows the full truth and frankly that's not their business), but more or less my capability of being a good mother or a stable human being.

My ability to parent well has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. Neither does the decision that stems from my orientation. People who come from broken homes assume that every situation is toxic, and that the child is going to suffer. Did anyone ever think that the opposite may have been worse for the child's development?

It almost insults me, because I am pretty sure I'm more aware of neurobiological responses in children, and how their development is just from my experience, and what I do for a living; however, no one thinks about that. I have been told that when I became a mother, I gave up my right to do what I want in life. That is shallow thinking.

I believe in empowerment and I'm pretty sure I can be an awesome mom while serving my community as a passion, and having a personal life that actually gives me joy. 

I'm sorry if you disagree. 

"You will either step forward into growth or step back into safety." I have chosen the latter.

I'm Empowered and Loving It

Empowerment.

What does that word mean to you?

Some people see empowerment as a threat because somehow it transforms into this idea of entitlement, but anyone who views it as that is simply misinformed. Empowerment, by definition, uses the word "authority," but when speaking of social matters it has a whole different meaning.

As a human being, and more specifically a woman, I believe I am empowered, because I have been given the tools and skills to stand for myself while contributing to society in a manner that benefits and empowers others. I no longer feel the need to please those who drag my self-worth down, and that is just a general statement when it comes to my social interactions.

I don't expect every single person to understand me and I certainly am aware that there will be continued bewilderment from people who could never fully empathize with the inner-workings of my persona; however, the necessity for them to grasp it is moot. Everyone is entitled to their own perception, such is the freedom of being a complex creature.

I am so blessed to have a source of constant encouragement to push towards my goals and help me realize where my passion lies. Without that source, I may not even have stepped into the wonderful job I have now or have a clear-cut idea of what I want to do as a career. Furthermore, this source has reminded me that I have the right to be "Dana."

This is all part of the idea behind empowerment.

There is a trend I have noticed lately when it comes to empowering others around me or when my supports encourage me. As humans we are impeccably talented at giving advice to others without actually absorbing the words we speak. There are times I have noticed this with myself, but lately I have tried to actually adhere to my advice.

So I'll tell everyone reading the same thing I tell those I work with and myself every day:

"Do not let the idea of disappointing anyone get in the way of helping yourself. Do not sacrifice your life for the sake of others' wholeness. If the people surrounding you can't be on your side when you are trying to build your life, then give them time. Once you have shown them that you are indeed taking charge and standing for yourself, they will see the fruits of joy and soon be at your side again."

"Do the Thing You Think You Cannot Do"

There is something that I have come to recognize in the past couple months or so about our walk in life and that is:

No one on this Earth is going to understand your journey, so don't expect them to.

It is evident that as humans we are faced with decisions that we have to make in order to set ourselves on the course to enlightenment or joy, but people around us may not always see that as the path they deem correct.

And that, my friend, is okay.

In the past 90 days or so, I have made some changes in my life that I never thought were possible simply because I was extremely co-dependent for a majority of my adulthood. This doesn't mean I was incapable of being a grown-up, it just means that I was always depending on the fact that someone was always there to hold my hand. For this reason, I stayed at the same company for nearly a decade, even though I knew my heart was in the non-profit sector.

After I had my son, I did put in numerous resumes in order to get into a career that made more sense with a family-life, but it did no good, and eventually I gave up. Now, over two years later, and I found myself in a completely different situation, and the necessity to switch careers was even more necessary.

Luckily, being a local volunteer gave me a foot in the door for a job I now love and I couldn't be more blessed. I went from not knowing what was in store for me, to starting my dream career in less than three months.

Sometimes when there is a sense of urgency in your life, a fire under your butt so-to-speak, it becomes easier to fight for the things you desire.

No matter what, don't let anyone's perception of your journey diminish your capacity to attain your goals. I understand it can be difficult, especially for those of us who want to please the masses, but in the end...is pleasing everyone just so you can suffer massive burn-out the best decision for you?

If you are afraid to take that step that you've been aching to take for ages, remember that in the end it'll all work itself out. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do!"

Adjust Accordingly

I have been slacking, I know! I'd like to make the excuse that I have been overwhelmingly too busy to sit down and write, but that is far from the truth. In all honesty, I simply have been unable to formulate a post that is worthy enough for the public. This blog is about my life, and while it is all kinds of interesting at the moment, it isn't the time to divulge those happenings.

So where am I in this crazy adventure called life?

A place where I can finally be filled with joy, true joy. So many of us think that we don't deserve happiness, simply because it doesn't seem attainable. However, that is entirely false. 

Sometimes happiness takes work. It will not come easy, believe me. What lasts does not come easy...

The most important thing that one can do when working towards their ultimate goal is keep their eyes forward and tackle each day at a time. I have gotten nowhere stressing about the future because tomorrow is unattainable. We can have hopes and dreams, and that is really what I work towards, it gives me drive. Yet, we must live in the present. Each day is a gift...a glorious gift. It is up to us how we use it.

I wake up each morning and smile because I have these wonderful blessings. I know that no matter what, at the end of the day they are still there to remind me how beautiful life really is. 

I am human, I have emotions, difficult emotions. I cry...like any other human. I do not feel ashamed for the God-given biological responses that tell us we are alive. I refuse to pretend, just not my prerogative anymore. 

So if you see me cry, just know this: I am doing A-Okay. I just have normal struggles in life and I deal with them just like any other person.

But hey guess what?

I am happy! 

And some advice for the road:

If someone or something gets in the way of your happiness, ever respectively tell them to, as someone close to me would say, "Get Bent!" 

All jokes aside, we deserve happiness in some shape or form. Life doesn't always work out as planned, but it is all about how we adjust to continue on our path. 

Everything Makes Sense Now

I woke up this morning with a burning desire to spit out my inner most thoughts onto this blog, but for some reason as soon as I sat down, my rationality kicked in. So often I am met with the need to just blurt out the truths that swirl in my gut. However, I recognize the need to be logical and quiet my mind and fingers.

Yet...

I just can't help but wonder the reaction from being completely raw. Just throw it out there.

"Oh hey! I just want to let you know that _____"

What an easy task it would be to simply type out those words, but adversely a difficult set of consequences. While I know what I want to say would be met with overwhelming support, I have some steps I have to take before I get to that point.

For a long time, I was afraid of facing certain hurdles I know I have to jump, but recently that fear has subsided to practically a grain of nothingness. Part of that is my ability to be open with more people in my life. I have reached out to those I know I will need, and the fact that they listened without batting their eyes and just loved me is more than I could ever ask for.

When you learn to fully accept yourself and decide to live according to that, there becomes a moment of unbelievable clarity. Everything that you have fought against, that weighs on your mental stability, seems to float away. 

The moment I knew in my heart what I needed to do to be the real "Dana", all desire to hurt myself or even kill myself slipped away. There is no longer that burden weighing on my mind making it unbearable to deal with the real world. I can face the day knowing in the end there is joy and I will no longer be living in the mindset that I have to fit a certain mold to be loved.

Do you know what is like to go through life never knowing how something was supposed to feel?

Thinking you were broken, meant to forever live in stagnancy, surviving by knowledge rather than instinct. 

That is how I lived my life. I always thought, "I can't possibly feel these things because I was damaged." I basically just lived based on a set of black and white rules placed in front of me. "This is how it is supposed to be." Granted I was okay, because I was convinced there was nothing left to do but accept it.

It is amazing how everything can change in one solitary day. Suddenly, my heart is on fire and there are moments I have to catch my breath. 

I asked my friends, "What is happening to me?"

They just giggle and tell me, "That is how it is supposed to be!"

Ah...

Everything makes sense now. 

Just Go For It

There are times my proactive mentality overrides my sense of reality, and becomes closer to willfulness than anything. I grew up surrounded by people who taught me what it meant to be selfless. One of these people was my Abuelo (grandpa) Armando. He was the MOST selfless person I know. He literally would give you the shirt off his back or anything he could if he had the capacity to do so.

Recently the five-year anniversary of the day he went home to God passed us and I was a tad more emotional than maybe the past couple years. Part of it may have been the five-year mark, realizing it had been half a decade since he took his last breath, or perhaps it was something else. You see, I recently made some choices that bettered me as a person, and for the longest time I didn't think I'd be able to do that because it may have been viewed as selfish.

However, as I look back on this past year, specifically what led me to planning my suicide and ultimately the continuation of suicidal thoughts and self-harm, it dawned on me that had I not made the necessary changes in my life, I perhaps would not be on this earth. Although I don't see suicidal tendencies stemming from any type of mental illness as necessarily selfish, had I not been willing to fight, THAT would have been selfish.

So I did fight. I fought for everyone surrounding me and typically, that might make sense. I focused on serving those around me without really thinking about what I needed to change in order to start living a life worth living. I figured deep down there is no way I could restructure myself because it might affect too many people in the outcome. I chose to continue to bury seeds of truth deeper within my being and fight for survival.

Do you know how exhausting just surviving is?

It is not only exhausting, it is miserable. 

After half a year of tearing through these deep roots, and prayers filled with tears of anguish, I finally was met with clarity. Clarity that not only provided me with a sense of hope, but also removed any desire to escape this life. Regardless of my progress, and it had been a ton of progress at that, it doesn't mean I still didn't have massive breakdowns I had to work through with a superfluous amount of skills. Somewhere in the back of my head I still held suicide as an ultimate option and before you judge that statement, remember that having Borderline Personality Disorder can sometimes be a daily effort to survive.

I got to a point where surviving wasn't enough. I needed to be able to live...and thrive.

I had to throw the "black and white" mentality out the window and just go with it. One of my favorite quotes is:

There will be a few times in your life when all your instincts will tell you to do something, something that defies logic, upsets your plans, and may seem crazy to others. When that happens, you do it. Listen to your instincts and ignore everything else. Ignore logic, ignore the odds, ignore the complications, and just go for it. - Judith McNaught

Oh but where does God come into this for those of you who might be shaking their heads. Well, God created every intricacy of our minds and that includes that "gut feeling" you have when you know you have to do something.

I have for TOO long concerned myself with pleasing everyone in my life. Guess what? 

Not going to happen.

If we were all on the same page, well then politics wouldn't exist. It is that simple.

This doesn't mean I care only about myself; however, what it means is that I'm not going to let the opinions of others or the dialectics of others be my foundation. I need to stand for myself. Another quote from the famous character Rock Balboa:

It doesn't matter how this looks to other people. If this is something you gotta do, then you do it. Fighters fight.